WHY DID I TAKE SANTA'S PLACE??? (A poem by me)

It's a little late for a Christmas poem but...okay...

Why was I the last to leave the winter fair
on the year Mrs. Claus saw me and shouted "YOU THERE!"
"You have to help me; my husband is sick!
And we have nobody to replace St. Nick!"

So could you, for everyone, take Santa's place?
And put a big smile on everyone's face?"

I choked and I shivered and sheepishly nodded
As I put up my thumb and I told her "You got it!"

I delivered the gifts and everyone was fine.
There was a smile on everyone's face except mine.

This is too much LABOR! This is too much WORK!
That there Mrs. Claus is a big, whiny JERK!

I'm dressed all in fur from my head to my foot!
I'm allergic to ashes! I'm allergic to soot!

My eyes, they don't twinkle!! I've no dimples merry!
My cheeks sure aren't roses! My nose, not a cherry!!

My mouth is drawn DOWN in a tired droop
AND THE BEARD ON MY CHIN IS AS BROWN AS DOG POOP!!

I have no broad face, no little round belly!
It won't shake when I laugh like a bowl full of jelly!

I'm not chubby or plump like that jolly old elf and no one laughs when they see me in spite of them self!

I should've refused, I should've stayed home.
That's the last time that around the world that I roam.

Why couldn't Ace be Santa. HE'S THE ONE THAT'S FAT!!
My Christmas is ruined, it's all gone kerSPLAT!


This is just something I made up right off the top of my head...