Chapter 2 - Choices

Sometimes you have to choose between two things. You’ll have to make a sacrifice. People will say that you can achieve everything. But sometimes that’s just not true. Sometimes you’ll have to make a choice knowing that if you choose one the other would not be achieved. Making those choices is hard and it breaks you.. You doubt and hesitate. Yet eventually you make a choice.
I made that choice not all too long ago. I had to choose between two dreams of mine. Two things I wanted with all my heart. A job. An opportunity that was within my grasp. Something I’ve always wanted. Not only my family but also one of my good friends triggered my interest for it. The army.
It was always my dream to fight for my country and help people out. Or maybe I just need the thrill of it. I can’t really say what it is about the army that interests me this much. The helping people and fighting for your country feels so weird. Because honestly.. what are we fighting for?  Whatever it is, it’s interesting and I need it. I always wanted to be either a medic or tech in the army. Whatever people would say to discourage me it wouldn’t help. I wanted it, I needed it. It was a goal of mine and it still is. But now I know that, due to the choice I made, I won’t be able to pass the tests and join the army. Because in their eyes the choice that I made will make me mentally weaker than others. Even if it only makes me stronger as a  person.

I choose to be who I want to be and whom I should always have been. Being born in a female body while knowing you don’t belong isn’t the easiest thing. I choose the path to change my appearance and gender. I usually am not the person who focusses on looks all too much but just try to imagine this; You’re born in a body that doesn’t belong to you. You’re a male/female born in a female/male body. You look in the mirror and observe yourself. Who is that, you ask. You don’t recognize yourself. You don’t want to recognize yourself.

Thus I choose the path to change whom I am and try to become happy with myself. Yet it’s still very tormenting having to choose between two things that are within your grasp. Two dreams. Two wishes.
 
But maybe it’s just an excellent excuse for me to be weak. I want to believe that me being me won’t stop me from being what I want to be. I want to be me and I want to be a soldier. Maybe I’ll be a soldier without the titles and ranks. Yet I believe that, due to my choices, I can’t be either of those. I can’t be me nor can I be a soldier. Somewhere inside of me I’ll always know that this isn’t meant to be me. And I also know I won’t be that soldier as I am not strong. I find myself a wreck compared to others. I’m constantly wearing a mask.

The people who thing I am strong are quite wrong. I’m not strong. I’m trying to be myself. The people who know me know that I am a perverted, rude, random asshole. But they also know that I love them and I’m loyal to them. Yet I find it hard to trust. I am not trying to be someone I’m not and I say what I think. When you ask me to be honest I’ll wait and see whether or not you truly want me to be honest. Usually I’ll be polite and say what you want to hear but with my true friends I say what I think. If I don’t like it I’ll let them know. If I find them assholes or jerks I’ll let them know. I’m not the best friend someone can have. I’m just me. A guy with a disguise.
 
I do have to admit that I find myself feeling very selfish for writing this. Making my problems seem grand. I should be complaining about all the starving children and hunger around the world. Yet instead I write about myself and I post it. Somehow it feels wrong posting this while I could be doing something much better at this time. I could be helping others and making others happy. For god’s sake I could be feeding alpacas now!


 

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