Chapter 1 - Soccer Players Aren't Always Pretty

Liz: did I tell you my new goal?






Liz: Im gonna to marry an Italian soccer player because apparently they're almost all hot






Olivia: all Italian guys are hot






Olivia: majority anyway






Olivia: they're not shy and they'll stand on the street and ask you out if they think youre cute






Liz: I'm going to Italy






Olivia: me too






Liz: I'm gonna look at the Italian players and decide which one I'm marrying






Olivia: they'd better get in line






Liz: ALRIGHT BOYS! TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRTS!













Liz: hmmmm






Liz: I think I want to be in shaved-head boy's position






Olivia: hell, me too













Olivia: IM LIKING ANDREA BARZAGLI






Liz: YEAH IM LIKING ANDREA BARZAGLI TOO






Liz: HE WAYS 76 KG!






Olivia: how much is that pounds?






Liz: I have no idea













Olivia: lil rough, but doable






Liz:....he looks like someone just beat the crap out of him






Liz:...with a bat






Olivia: thats why I said 'lil rough'






Liz: well I'm thinking you better take him to the hospital before you do him













Liz: Alberto makes me feel awkward






Olivia: yeah






Liz: I dont know what he's looking at but its both intriguing and appalling






Olivia: bet Australia's team is hotter






Liz: probably













Liz: I think that's the guy who beat the crap out of Massimo






Olivia: yeah, he has that evil eye






Liz: no wait













Liz: maybe he did it






Olivia: they both mustve done it






Liz: then they slapped each other high fives and spoke sexy Italian













Olivia: Archie watched the whole beating






Liz: thats why hes got that sadistic smile






Liz: hell never be the same






Liz: you notice how all the Italian guys have the same name?






Olivia: "MARIO, LUIGI, ANGELO, MARCO.....POLO! bum bum chee






Liz: Polo: "Present!"






Olivia: lets look at our team&






Olivia: nope, nothing good there






Liz: nothing good on our team at all?






Olivia: I dont think so






Liz: guess Ill be marrying Andrea Barzagli






Olivia: hey I saw him first






Liz: okay Im gonna look at Japan






Liz: you check Germany













Olivia: okay, whats with the hair?






Olivia: it looks like a strong wind blew it all one way






Liz: it's all forming around one little off-center point on his head













Liz: Austin Powers






Olivia: THATS LIKE, EXACT!






Liz: hes thinking about shaggin






Liz: Yeah, baby!












Liz: I don't know what to do about Tsuneyasu






Olivia: I think he's doable






Olivia: his background is even glowing






Liz: he kinda looks like a 70's porn star






Olivia: his hair is fixable






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/11.jpg






Liz: am I crazy or is he black?






Olivia: he's definitely black






Olivia: HE'S NOT JAPANESE THE SILLY HEAD!






Liz: do his ears flap like Dumbo?






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/12.jpg






Liz: Fukunishi your mom






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/13.jpg






Liz: leprechaun






Olivia: thats what I was thinking






Liz: I love how we think alike






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/14.jpg






Olivia: hes a cheery lookin fellow






Liz: Owen has had a great day






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/15.jpg






Liz: he's either going to sneeze or tell a joke






Olivia: or he's horny






Liz: he was turned on while the Italian guys were straddling each other






Liz: I dont blame him






Olivia: the soccer ball probably hit his crotch and popped






Liz: Im gonna see if there's anything in Brazil






Olivia: there isnt






Olivia: Ill save you the time






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/16.jpg






Liz: one word: disproportional






Olivia: he looks like the soccer ball hit his face and left an imprint






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/17.jpg






Liz: and he kicked it






Olivia: doesnt he belong in basketball?






Liz: that's why he kicked it






Olivia: works for me






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/18.jpg






Liz: HOLY shoot HAPPY






Olivia: soccer gets him REAL excited






Liz: I noticed






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/19.jpg






Liz: his nickname on the team is Stinky






Olivia: thats like, a dogs name






Liz: well he looks like one






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/20.jpg






Olivia: wtf, Zidane is a real name?






Liz: he still doesn't get it






Olivia: "The Chicken got to the other side? Wha? Werent there cars on the road?"






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/21.jpg






Liz: so Emo it hurts






Olivia: uh oh, step back, Emo soccer player






Liz: "We lost? *slits his wrists*"






Olivia: "I wrote a sad poem of our loss......






Liz: you can always count on him to bleed






Olivia: CRAWLING IN HIS SKKIIIINNN






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/22.jpg






Liz: Stinky's cousin Reek






Olivia: "Whoa, what was in that cigarette?"






Liz: "Stinky rolled a fat one!"






Olivia: "Anyone got some Cheetos?"






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/23.jpg






Liz: something is wrong






Olivia: maybe his head will get bigger and bigger and he'll float away






Liz: I imagine he hasn't missed a header yet






Olivia: bum bum chee






Liz: he's probably the guy who goes around head-butting his teammates after the game, explaining why they end up motionless on the ground






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/24.jpg






Liz: theres a Frank if I ever saw one






Liz: he mustve got the hardest head-butt of them all






Olivia: his side burns arent even






Olivia: I take that back, his whole head and face are uneven






Liz: not much about him is even






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/25.jpg






Liz: I look at Gregory and I think "Intense Sex"






Olivia: I look him and think "YIKES! A GHOST!"






Liz: "RUT ROW SHAGGY!"






Olivia: "ZOINKS! LETS GET OUT OF HERE SCOOB!"






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/26.jpg






Olivia: Beatles hairdos are hot in the Ukraine






Liz: he somehow reminds me of William Beckett from The Academy Is...






Olivia: seriously?






Liz: yeah, William Beckett is hot






Olivia: he looks like he'd wear bellbottoms






Liz: now that you added the bellbottoms I'm not sure






Liz: you ruined my mental picture






Olivia: sorry






Olivia: I can just picture him with an acoustic guitar singing about flowers






Liz: my picture of him jumping around and singing about raging against the world is way cooler






Olivia: CRAWLING IN HIS SKIIINNN






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/27.jpg






Olivia: hes cute






Liz: it looks like hes got a scar on his chin






Liz: from the war






Olivia: the war of soccer






Olivia: many men were lost, and many balls popped






Liz: all because Akira got a little too horny






Olivia: every time he fell forward he made a hole in the ground






Liz: "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"






Olivia: "You're screwed into the ground!" "DAMMIT, NOT AGAIN!"






Liz: Ruslan threw himself into the battle to unscrew poor Akira






Liz: but when it popped out of the ground it flung across his face






Liz: thus scarring his chin






Olivia: owch






Liz: tragedy






Olivia: thats a mouth full






Liz: was it that big?






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/28.jpg






Olivia: he was the first to get taken out in the battle






Liz: the horror remains painted on his face like a tattoo






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/29.jpg






Olivia: HE'S PIMPONG EAST SIDE!






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/30.jpg






Olivia: WHILE HES DRAMAN THE BEAT!






Liz: THEYS GHANA BEAT THOSE BIOTCHES!






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/31.jpg






Olivia: hes the only white guy on his team






Liz: thats why they only gave him one name






Liz: and hes probably French






Olivia: probably






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/32.jpg






Olivia: what is that?






Liz: it looks like something that should be in Rocky Horror






Olivia: the unrated version






Liz: I think someone threw a wrench at his forehead






Liz: and hit him dead on






Olivia: I think someone threw a cinder block at him






Olivia: and it hit his whole face at same time






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/33.jpg






Liv: when he has to sneeze, duck and cover






Liz: he's probably the cause of some of the worst disasters of the past 10 years






Olivia: he went scuba diving and turned his head too quickly causing the Tsunami






Liz: he blew his nose on a tilt-a-whirl and started Katrina






Olivia: I dunno how, but I'm sure he's the cause of global warming too






Liz: word






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/34.jpg






Liz: HOLY shoot!






Olivia: the psycho theme plays every time he enters the arena






Liz: children cry






Olivia: birds flock to get away






Liz: silence takes the stadium






Olivia: the ball deflates, Akira isnt so horny anymore






Liz: and every dentist within 20 miles prays for the opportunity to bleach his teeth






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/35.jpg






Olivia: Chris is on Cloud 9






Liz: hes been hanging with Stinky and Reek






Olivia: they went clubbing






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/36.jpg






Olivia: Eddie watches Chris, Stinky, and Reek






Olivia: and cries a lone tear






Olivia: because he wasnt invited





Liz: that's okay






Liz: Eddie has already conjured a way to make them suffer for the pain theyve put him through






Liz: and it's sitting in his bathtub






Olivia: Does it involve laser beam dynamite?






Liz: that's only the beginning






Olivia: Im in






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/37.jpg






Olivia: he's oddly cute in a way






Liz: in that "My girlfriend just slapped me and called me an ignorant puss but I love her anyway" kind of way






Liz: I take that back, with the way his nose is bent it must've been a punch






Olivia: what if I said I was his girlfriend?






Liz: then Id say youve got a good arm






Olivia: Id say thank you






http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l45/my_techno18/38.jpg






Olivia: he played the frog in his 5th grade play






Liz: he hasn't forgotten it either






Liz: the play had a sick twist after the frog was kissed resulting in a severely disappointed princess






Liz: he relives it on a day-to-day basis






Olivia: he's still in character and costume






Olivia: or thats a tumor






Liz: a full facial tumor?






Olivia: OF DOOM






Olivia: it'll grow so big it'll explode into puppies and gumdrops






Liz: at least the kids will get something out of it






Olivia: chyeah

You are not authorized to comment here. Your must be registered and logged in to comment