Chapter 1 - No One To Love

by: ChibiMizu

Disclaimer: I don't own Invader Zim. If I did, they'd be SOOOO much ... dirtier... *has them roll around in the mud* Hehehe!

Warnings/notes: This fic is ZADR! It contains SO MUCH ANGST! (to be said in a deep screeching voice-like tone) Don't cry... *sniffles* I love Dib too... *sniffles more* WAHAAAA!! I didn't want to do this! ... well actually... I did... hehehe! Continue brave ficcer!

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"I think we should see other people." The 7 words that ruined my life forever. The 7 words that I had hoped I would never have heard from him. But I did. And they killed me inside. HE killed me inside. Words killed me. Not a stupid alien death ray or a fatal disease. Not even another human. Him and how he stole my heart.
It's been 5 months since those words were uttered to me on that one night. If it had been any other night, it wouldn't have mattered quite as much. But... it would've been our 1 year anniversary. One year of love, passion and happiness, or so I thought. It was cool with a slight autumn breeze and I had lent him my jacket. The dark sky threatened rain and he had shivered, a pained look crossing his face. I asked what was wrong and he just simply shook his head.
"I think we should see other people." Were the 7 words he suddenly said, dropping my coat and running away from me. The bright 'one year' smile faded from my face and I dropped to my knees. I can still feel the salty tears that had streamed down my unblinking and unbelieving face. I can still feel them because they are still there. I don't know what happened or what went wrong. It was a beautiful thing, him and me. We were told we were meant for each other on many different accounts. I don't understand. I just don't.
I haven't seen him since then. I tried to call. No response. I even broke into his house. Everything was the exact same as if he still lived there. The only things missing were his space ship, his robot and him. They all just left. They left me alone here. All by myself. He's gone and there's no way I can find him. I sit alone now. In the park or just in my room. I cry a lot too. Ever since that night. I can't find him. And I miss him. It must've just been a misunderstanding, right? I miss him so badly. Everyday I just want to die because I fear that I may never see him again. But... I keep telling myself that he'll come back, sweep me into his alien arms and tell me that he was sorry and he never wanted to leave me. I'd take him back in a heartbeat. He was the only one who ever made me happy. He was the only one who accepted me. The only one who believed I was capable of becoming something truly great.
Every once in awhile, I think to myself 'what if I died now?' But really, what if I did? Just run out and stand in the street and gaze at the bright headlights before seeing complete darkness. Just find a handgun and make myself unable to think anymore. Just run downstairs and got that sharp knife from the kitchen and slit my wrists. I'd die watching the blood seep from my wrist and thinking about Zim. People would blame him for me dying but then again, how many people would really notice I was dead? Gaz and maybe my dad. Would the kids at skool? Doubt it. I think to myself, that would end my pain, wouldn't it? I think of this often but then I think a different way. What if he came back, just to find an empty room and a full coffin? How would he deal with coming back to apologize and find me dead. I could overdose and people would think it was an accident. But I think back to Zim again. He's on my every thought, can you tell? He would feel worse than I feel now, knowing that he was the cause of my death. The cause of all the pain. The cause that I wasn't there anymore. Maybe it really wasn't his fault he had to leave. I wouldn't want him to feel the way I do, even if he caused it and deserves it. I still love him and I don't want him to die too.
Sometimes I lay awake in bed and stare into space and wonder. Was it my fault? Is the pain and suffering I feel every second, my doing? Am I to blame for losing my lover? I question it, I really do. Did I push him too far? Did I ask too much of him? It could be different for him, being an alien. I don't know. Maybe, just a kiss to a human is something far greater to an Irken. Maybe it is my fault I lie here alone and cold, waiting for him to return. Am I to blame? Maybe I didn't give him enough love. I tried so hard to please him, make him happy. But maybe it just wasn't enough. Maybe it just wasn't worth falling in love with someone from a different species. Maybe I wasn't worth falling in love with in the first place. Maybe I was a disappointment. Maybe he never really loved me but used me. Yes, you may think me paranoid but I question it everyday that he has been gone. Was it really my fault?
Then again, I think back on all the wonderful times we had. The sunset walks, the sweet passion in the dead of night. I remember all of those times I spent just sitting in his arms and I think to myself, it couldn't just be my paranoia. He really loved me. He loved me or else he wouldn't have done that to me. Even if I was the enemy and all of this was a ploy to trick me, he isn't that heartless. The only problem is that I fell for him and he stole my heart away. I don't have a heart. He was my heart. I loved him so much that when I think about the five months without him, I cry. I admit that I cry over the loved one that I lost. I lost him, maybe to someone else, more capable of loving him. Maybe I lost him to some natural force. Maybe he was just sick of me. I wonder sometimes if I'll ever know why he left and where he went.
Where did he go? Where did the one who cared so much go and why did he suddenly not want to be with me? Did he go back to his home planet and just forget to tell me? Just leave without a single good bye. Dump me and leave? I loved him, even if at first I hated him. He was so unique and special. I respected his attempts to take over the planet and his attempts at destroying me, even if I knew he couldn't. Even if he HAD destroyed me, it couldn't have hurt this badly. This pain that I feel every waking moment. If I had died when he was trying to destroy Earth, I would've just been dead. No pain. No anguish. No anything. I just wouldn't _be_ any more. I'd be a lifeless corpse. But now. Now that he has left me alone, reminding me of what life was like before he came here. Before, when I was beaten and mocked at every turn. Now, it's like it was then. I have nobody to be with, no one to respect me. I have no one to respect. No one to love.


Ending notes: OMG! *wails* Now I kinda feel bad... kinda... ^.^;;
Zim: HEY! I can't believe you! You make me sound so HEARTLESS!
CM: ... DUH! Cuz you are! Does the word 'invader' mean ANYTHING to you?!
Zim: You have a point... nevermind! ^^;;

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