Chapter 19 - Gaius and His Cardboard TARDIS

Gaius had built himself a cardboard TARDIS.

His television was now completely useless, which had driven him into a deep state of depression for the time span of about half an hour. Then he had had an epiphany. The old man, currently downcast because of the loss of his stories and his favorite BBC show, had caught sight of the huge cardboard box that had been used to house his television before Rosco – who he hadn't heard from in a while, strangely enough – and a large bottle of spare blue dye he had conveniently lying around and a candlestick had popped on over his head (light bulbs no longer worked because Rosco was gone, so a candle would have to suffice to provide a cliché representation of an idea forming).

He could make himself a TARDIS replica.

He hadn't really considered the fact that just because he had a TV box painted blue that said "POLICE" on it and resembled an old police booth that it would still just be a blue cardboard box that said "POLICE." Gaius was normally quite an intelligent fellow and later on he would be sorely embarrassed at his lack of foresight but at the moment it seemed like a beautiful idea. With his own TARDIS he could go anywhere he wanted (like to the future where he could get another TV to watch his stories on) and maybe he could even find the Doctor himself! (The Doctor was real, he had to be, Gaius had decided, or how would life even be worth living for? And no, he hadn't been watching far too many melodramatic soap operas for his own good, thank you very much!)

He had just finished painting his TARDIS and had grown impatient for the paint to dry so he had used a little bit of magic to jumpstart the process. His wrinkled face breaking into a delighted grin as he eyed his handy work, Gaius opened the "door" he had cut into the box and clambered inside his homemade TARDIS, whose innards were considerably smaller and much less technological than the one on the show. In fact, there was nothing inside his "machine," not even a button or a wheel or even a glowing, pulsing light that could do terrible things to you if you look right into it. Frowning, Gaius hunched over in the box and shut the door, trying to ignore the rational part of his mind that was trying to rise to the surface over this lunacy telling him that this was the stupidest thing he had EVER done. The other, slightly manic part of his conciseness decided that he would just have to sit scrunched up in the TARDIS until something happened.

Thirty minutes later, the physician was beginning to regret listening to that part of his brain as his joints were aching terribly and his back hurt more than he could say because of the position he'd been sitting in for so long. And there had not been even a single thing happen! He felt so cheated and he thought about trying to get out of his box, the wiser side of him coming into slightly clearer focus. The problem was that at his age, his body had a tendency to want to remain locked in any position he stayed in for longer than a few minutes. And it had been at least twenty minutes more than a few. He couldn't get up and he couldn't move.

At that moment, just as he was despairing and seriously considering whether or not he had actually lost his mind, the door to his chambers burst open and none other than Gwaine rushed into the room. "Oh thank heavens!" Gaius muttered as he watched the fluffy-haired knight look around for the physician. He cleared his throat and Gwaine's eyes locked on the arts and crafts TARDIS and his eyes lit up like he was a small child.

"Is that a… is that a… TARDIS?" he squeaked excitedly, so enthused that he forgot that it was time for his daily mid-afternoon hair flip.

Gaius was surprised. "You know what a TARDIS is?"

Gwaine grinned. "What did you think I watched when I wasn't beating Lancelot at Mario Brothers?" He sighed wistfully and placed a hand over his heart (if he had been wearing a hat he would have removed it in reverence of his lost friend). "I shall never forget you Bubbles."

Gaius decided to not even ask about what the man was thinking. He had learned almost as soon as he met Gwaine that if you wanted to keep your mind safe from trauma and confusion, you would try not to understand what went on in that head beneath the silky, totally attractive (but not to Gaius, obvioiusly, although he was a bit jealous of Gwaine's lush locks) hair. Gwaine apparently took the awkward silence as a cue to keep talking and demanded, "Where did you get it?"

"I… er…. made it."

Gwaine crowed with excitement. "Amazing! My turn!"

Gaius blinked. "I'm dreadfully sorry, Gwaine, but I seem to be stuck. My old joints have locked into place and I cannot get up. Perhaps if you help—"

Before he could finish his request, Gwaine had bounded across the room, flung open the door, and instead of doing the logical (and kinder) thing and helping the old man up, he ordered, "Scootch over, Gramps!" and somehow managed to wriggle his rear in next to Gaius and sit scrunched up against the taken aback old man. Gaius had never been this close to Gwaine and instantly wished he had never gotten the chance because the man smelled like a strange mixture of ale, daffodils, and tacos.

Some good did come of Gwaine's intrusion, however. Perhaps it was the close proximity, the numbness in his backside and aching in his knees, or the overpowering smell of flowery, alcoholic tacos, but Gaius was suddenly snapped out of his stupor and he shook his head as he tried to regain his senses. He blinked again and nearly jumped a mile as he realized what a fool he'd been. (He also jumped because Gwaine had wiggled some more trying to get comfortable and he had accidentally stuck his finger in Gaius's ear.) "Gwaine!" he spluttered indignantly. "What are you doing, silly boy? You need to get out!"

Gwaine pouted and shook his head, giving Gaius a face full of hair. "No way. Stop being stingy, this is my TARDIS, too!"

Gaius rolled his eyes and tried to escape but to no avail. Not only were his joints unresponsive but Gwaine was smushing him against the side of the box and he couldn't move an inch in either direction. "It's not a real TARDIS, you ninny!" the physician exclaimed. He looked around and realized he hadn't seen his ward for some time now (not that he would have noticed before, seeing as how he had been totally engrossed in his favorite shows). "Where's Merlin?"

And just like that, Gwaine's face went from childishly petulant to worried and urgent. It seemed that the mention of his best friend struck a chord and brought him back to reality. "GAIUS!" the knight-to-be-someday-after-Uther-finally-decides-to-kick-the-bucket yelped right in the old man's ear, causing Gaius to snap back rather irritably.

"I'm right here!"

But Gwaine didn't seem to care that he had just probably permanently deafened the left ear of Camelot's court physician and he plowed on. "I remember now! I was supposed to come get you, snap you out of your daze because Merlin's in trouble!"

Gaius tried to move but could get nowhere. (This was a very sturdy cardboard box turned time-machine.) "Why? What happened?"

"Uther," Gwaine spat out the name like it was a mouthful of troll potion, "has decided that Merlin is to blame for the technology going dead because of some stupid prank picture text he got that was clearly photoshopped to make him think Merlin's a sorcerer. He's declared that Merlin is to be killed on sight."

Gaius felt horror fill him to the brim. How could he have been so careless? He had been watching soap operas and sitting in a box while Merlin's life was in danger. "Where is he?" He was afraid to ask the question because he was scared of what the answer might be.

"He's with Lancelot—" Gwaine started but at that moment, the door to the physician's quarters opened again and this time, a very worried and agitated Arthur Pendragon stalked in.

"No he isn't," he announced irritably. "At least, not where we left them anyway. They've disappeared."

Gwaine groaned and Gaius hung his head. Arthur stared at the young and old man, squished together inside of a blue box that said "POLICE" and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "What are you two doing?" he demanded.

Gwaine tried to dislodge his elbow from Gaius's side and grinned sheepishly. "Playing… pretend?"

Gaius facepalmed. Arthur let out a rather unprincely growl. "Get out of there, both of you!" he ordered. "We have to start preparing for battle. Cenred's army is approaching Camelot fast and they have guns."

Gaius's eyes widened. "Oh no," he breathed.

"Oh yes – oh no!" Arthur agreed. "Now get out."

There was silence before Gwaine cleared his throat and peeped through the little "window" in the door while raising his hand fractionally. Arthur rolled his eyes and called on the man. "Yes, Gwaine?"

"Erm… we're stuck."

Despair filled Arthur. This was what was going to help defend Camelot?

They were so screwed.

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