Chapter 20 - Arthur and His Mysterious Shape-Shifting Swords

Something very strange had happened in Camelot. Actually, something strange had been happening in Camelot for as long as Rosco had been there, and even after he had left. But now the strangeness had gone to new levels. That in itself was hard to fathom, considering how wild life in Camelot had been ever since Uther bought his first – and last – Blackberry Storm.

After finally liberating Gaius and Gwaine from the homemade TARDIS (which involved an exceptionally large amount of butter, a crowbar that Rosco had conveniently forgotten to take back to the future with him in his haste, and a lot of cursing and swearing, most of which was, as surprising as it was, came from Gaius, whose body still didn't want to move even though so much was at stake; Gwaine was quite happy because he learned a few ancient, lost to the ages swear words that only someone with Gaius's life experience, keen ears, and exceptional memory could know), Arthur had told Gwaine to come with him, that they had to try and find any weapons, swords, Nerf guns, maces, paintball guns – anything they could use against Cenred's army.

"You know this is a hopeless battle, right?" Gwaine asked, observing Arthur critically.

Arthur had felt slightly uncomfortable being the target of Gwaine's unusually perceptive gaze. "Since when has that ever stopped us?"

Gwaine snorted. "Good – just as reckless as me. We'll get through this yet." Arthur chuckled and Gwaine added, "But what about Merlin? You said your father's trying to kill him and he's disappeared. We've got to find him first!"

A pang of guilt and irritation swept through the prince of Camelot as he thought of his wayward servant and servant-snatching knight-to-be. What was next, he wondered sarcastically, would Lancelot then sweep Gwen away, too? He rolled his eyes at the thought. Lancelot might try to steal his friend – erm, servant – but even he wasn't stupid enough to steal his girlfriend (or ex- but hopefully she would eventually get over Edweirdo and run back to Arthur)… was he?

A trickle of worry tickled his throat and he cleared it before laughing nervously. No way. Lancelot and Guinevere were totally loyal. He'd have nothing to worry about. Except right now he was worried about Merlin. And Gwen. And his father. And Camelot. And everyone else in the bloody kingdom. All this probably wouldn't matter anyway, he mused glumly, because unless a strange miracle occurred Camelot would fall to Cenred's army.

Still, like he'd told Gwaine, the impossible odds and cold steel barrels of machine guns weren't going to stop them from trying. And their pathetic attempts to defend themselves with swords weren't going to stop them from dying either. Hm. Trying and dying. That rhymed – like lyrics in a song. A song that might have been on his iPhone. The iPhone that was crushed below his window and that wouldn't have worked anyway because Rosco was a cowardly snake. Arthur shook his head firmly – he couldn't have a relapse. He couldn't lament what was already gone. He had to focus on the present.

Gwaine saw his slightly mournful expression and sympathized. "Thinking about your iPhone?" Arthur looked at him, surprised, and Gwaine grinned. "I still miss my WiiMii – his name was G-Man the Epic – and Bubbles the Pink Dragon. But I am comforting myself that I am going to avenge them in this battle." His words were noble and a few tears gathered in Arthur's eyes unbidden. He swiped them away, clasped Gwaine on the shoulder, and nodded jerkily. "We'll do this for Bubbles…" he hesitated… "and Roy."

Gwaine cocked an eyebrow. "Roy?"

"That's what I named my iPhone," Arthur sighed. "Before I killed him, I promised him that he wouldn't go unnamed or remembered."

Gwaine nodded slowly before looking at Arthur with a gleam in his eyes. "How do you know it wasn't a girl iPhone?"

Arthur looked aghast at the suggestion. "How dare you taint Roy's memory further? What if I told you that Bubbles is a boy?"

Gwaine snorted. "I don't care. Bubbles is a boy."

"You have a pink dragon named Bubbles that's a male?" Arthur asked incredulously.

Gwaine pouted. "And your girlfriend is in love with a sparkly man named Eddie that's a male-ish thing."

Arthur inclined his head seriously. "Touché."

"Ahem." Both young men swung their heads around to see an eyebrow-less Gaius. In actuality, Gaius wasn't eyebrow-less. He had, in fact, managed to raise both of them to such heights that they blended in perfectly with his hairline. It was quite a remarkable feat, and it also implied that he was quite exasperated. Mouth set into a thin line, the old man remarked, "As thrilling as this debate is, it is my understanding that – and correct me if I'm wrong – there is an army of gun-toting maniacs heading for Camelot as we speak? And you never answered Gwaine about Merlin – what are you going to do to help him? If Uther finds him, he will not ask questions. He will kill him, Arthur."

Arthur swallowed heavily, feeling ashamed of himself for thinking about Roy the Dead iPhone and Bubbles the Pink Boy Dragon when he should be thinking about Merlin the Idiotic Loyal Servant Who Is In More Trouble Than He's Probably Worth. "I'm sorry," he said softly. He looked between Gaius and Gwaine. "And I'm sorry that Merlin's missing. I told him to stay put. But we can't go looking for him – Gaius is right, we've got a big problem on our hands with this army. We've got to deal with it."

"But… what if your father has already found Merlin?" Gwaine asked a bit fearfully.

Arthur's eyes narrowed. "He hasn't."

"And how do you know?" Gwaine countered petulantly.

"Because," Arthur responded, allowing a bit of a smile to barely touch the corner of his mouth, "Lancelot's gone, too. And that means that Lancelot's with Merlin – do you really think that Lancelot's going to allow my father to hurt Merlin?"

Gwaine let out a begrudging sigh and mumbled crankily. "No… but I still don't like it," he half-whined.

Arthur sighed. "Neither do I," he admitted.

Gaius offered a small smile and his eyebrows slowly, gracefully – like a swan's feather drifting down to the earth in the light of the elegant moon – descended to rest in their normal positions, causing him to look much less intimidating. "Merlin can take care of himself. And Lancelot will help. Now you must go find weapons and prepare for the siege upon Camelot."

Arthur nodded at Gaius and then at Gwaine. Gwaine grinned bravely and announced, "Allons-y!" Gaius smiled knowingly and his gaze drifted to the TARDIS but Arthur was just as confused as ever.

"What the heck does that mean?" he demanded.

"It's French," Gwaine supplied chipperly. "For 'let's go.'"

Arthur rolled his eyes and left the room. As Gwaine was turning to follow, he felt a surprisingly strong hand clasp onto his shoulder and he turned. Gaius looked steadily into Gwaine's eyes and his eyes watered up as his great words of wisdom bubbled to the surface. "The Doctor," he said gravely, "would be proud."

A lone tear tracked down Gwaine's face as he thought of the man he sought to be like, if only because he got to go to taverns and meet girls at every end of the universe. "For Ten!" he announced, referring to the Tenth Doctor.

Gaius snorted. "I would say not! Nine was much better! That man had style."

Gwaine looked hurt. "We must… agree to disagree," he muttered melodramatically. "Because I do not want to say good-bye on a bitter note."

Gaius nodded. "Good-bye, fellow space traverser."

Gwaine began to tear up again as he headed for the door. "And Gaius-?"

Gaius raised his eyebrow and waited for Gwaine to talk. When he did, affection for the young man that he had, only moments before, been angry at for getting them stuck in a cardboard box, welled up inside of him.

"The Doctor would be proud of you too, Gaius."

And then Gwaine was gone and Gaius was alone.

o.O

That's not even the strange part that was mentioned in the beginning.

Yes, as strange and potentially frightening as the above scenes may have been for anyone with a grip on reality may have been, stranger things were yet to come.

When Gwaine and Arthur arrived at the armory, they stared in shock and found that many other knights were doing the same. For where there had once been somewhat feasible weapons like swords and shields and maces, the walls of the armory were lined with not metal or silver or bronze or even aluminum foil (which had actually been banned from Camelot after Leon nearly blew up his chambers by sticking a taco wrapped in aluminum foil in the microwave), but with brightly colored plastic.

All the real weapons had somehow been changed to Nerf guns of all shapes, sizes, colors, and models. There were a few Nerf swords as well and even a Nerf football, and as fun as the collection looked, Arthur's heart sunk to his feet and then jerked back up like a yo-yo and sunk back down again. He exchanged grim glances with Gwaine, who looked like he was trying to decide whether to try and kill someone with a Nerf revolver or laugh at the absurdity of the situation.

Yep. The only way that things could get worse would be if Cenred's army was outside of Camelot's walls right now with their guns. Arthur winced as a petrified messenger darted into the armory the second after the thought had passed through his mind and announced in a trembling voice, "Things just got worse! Cenred's army is outside of Camelot's walls right now with their guns!" Wow, talk about irony, Arthur thought sarcastically.

He felt the eyes of the knights watching him expectantly and he made a decision. First, he had to make sure Gwaine could fight with him. So he grabbed a pink Nerf sword (because pink was the color of Bubbles and he thought Gwaine would appreciate the gesture) and knighted him with it. Then he grabbed a Nerf machine gun in one hand and a Nerf battle axe in the other and said with a tone positively dripping bravado, "Let's rock."

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