Chapter 1 - What Hurts The Most

Her tears burned as she neared the newly painted room. She imagined that he was standing near the bassinet lovingly looking down at his son. The pain of losing stung like a razor's cut. And the blade just kept ripping. Suddenly she found herself standing over the wicker crib. Reaching in, she lifted him to her careful arms cradling his delicate head to her shoulder. He cooed. She found that she could no longer compose herself from the tears she so desperately tried to fight. Finally letting them fall, she could taste the salty tears rolling down her sullen face. She looked down at him when he made a delighted sound. Beautiful in her arms.

"You look just like him..." She said to the happy infant.

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I can take the rain
On the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then
And I just let 'em out



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It had been a year ago, they had defeated Naraku finally, but not without cost. He had died... in her bloodstained arms. It had taken all of the energy and life that he had inside of him to protect her. To save her from Naraku's final attempt to destroy her. The others could only look on in despair with a sympathetic solitude about them. They were surprised. She remembered.... His hand had reached up to her tearstained cheekbone. So sweetly.

"I love you, you know..." He had managed to say in a shaky breath. She clenched her eyes tightly as she reached her fingers to his hand.

"Please don't leave me here Inuyasha... I need you..." She brought his hand to her not yet growing abdomen. "We need you... please hold on..." His freed hand went behind her head bringing her into a weak kiss.

"I am always with you Kagome... but, I'm not going to make it this time..." he choked and drew in a quick breath. "Promise that you will go back ... to where... to where you are safe... to were you can keep our pup safe.... promise me Kagome." She simply lifted his head to her lap.

"I promise." She heard herself faintly mutter. Realizing his breathing had stopped she started to feel an urge to save him that she had never experienced. Seeking out Sesshoumaru, she got on her knees and begged him to save his brother. But it had been too late. Even Tensaiga could not save his already gone life.

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I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though, goin' on with you gone, still upsets me
There are days every now and again
I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me


Looking at her baby, she wondered what he would think. What kind of father would he have been had he gotten that chance? She wondered what it was going to be like to have to grow up without his father, when and how his Hanyou side would show up... Her tears had stopped falling as she realized he had fallen asleep. Gently, she laid him back into his crib and walked out. But not before throwing one more loving look towards him. She made her way to her room, and tried to close her eyes when she lay down. It proved impossible. The task just couldn't be done. She could not pause any thought of memory flow long enough to relax and achieve any level of peace or sleep. Her thoughts finally started to calm... drifting off to a single memory.... Just before they confronted that bastard Naraku.

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They had been alone... she remembered. Up in that beautiful tree, the sun setting gently overcastting a golden glow over everything.

"Inuyasha, there's something that I need to say..." He cut her off with a frozen stare. He was looking knowingly into her eyes. It was that look he had gotten so many times before that used to freak her out.

"Hai Kagome... I know." He was silent.

"You know? Well... what do you know? I haven't said anything." He looked away, towards the golden horizon.

"About our pup." He said quietly to the sky. It had been odd to see Inuyasha so nonchalant, loving, so peaceful. It was out of character a bit, but not an annoyance by far. She had looked down before looking away opposite Inuyasha's direction. Tears started to swell in her eyes as she found it hard to breath. Had he been upset? Why isn't he saying anything? She had wondered. His hand grasped hers catching her off guard. Looking down at it, she let her gaze trail slowly reaching his face. Those beautiful amber eyes that were tearfully looking in ... to her own blurred ones made her heart stop momentarily. He grasped her other hand with his and turned her so her back was to him, pulling her close in an embrace. She had closed her eyes letting out a breath that she seemed to have been holding for an eternity.


What hurts the most
was being so close
and havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do



His head found rest a top her head and she could feel him take in a breath and kiss her softly. Tightening his embrace, she brought her crossed arms over his and pulled him even closer as she sank her body against his frame.

"I promise you Kagome... I will always protect you...our pup... No matter what that means. Even if I have to give my own life, you will be safe."



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Reaching underneath the top of her nightgown, Kagome tugged at the thin gold chain and pulled the heart shaped locket into her hands. She remembered when she had given it to him all those years ago. It was hard to open, but she managed to pry the clamp open with one of her nails. The pictures inside took her back to a time before their first kiss, to a time before he had ever touched her the way he did. Back to his childish ways acting like a jerk even though he loved her... even then.



It's hard to deal with the pain
Of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile
When I see our old friends and I'm alone


Kagome thought of the day they buried Inuyasha near the very tree that they met. It was the day she left Kirara, Shippo, Sango and Miroku. It had been the second hardest day of her life to say goodbye to them. Inuyasha's death impacted them all pretty seriously and though it would have probably benefited to stay where there was understanding, she couldn't bring herself to look at them everyday. To do that... would be to remind her of all the times that they had had together. That had mattered then. She remembered that she wished that she could talk to Sango. She wished that she could have her there to help. She wished that she could stay. But she knew that it wasn't possible. She promised him that she would make sure he was safe. If she had stayed... that wouldn't have happened. Kagome went through her days as if she were robotic, she didn't talk to anyone, she didn't do well in school after that and when she started to show, she dropped out completely. There would be days where she would sit beneath the Goshinboku tree for hours talking to Inuyasha's makeshift grave. It would always hit her like a ton of bricks when she would come to the realization of how long that grave had been there, after all... the marker she had placed there was so faded she had to remark it. She had created a garden around the Goshinboku tree, surrounding his grave, as a small gift to him... or perhaps to save her own sanity. After a while, her grandfather died and her mother went to work for a company that she had dreamed of getting a job at for years. Kagome didn't know the name but Sota decided to tag along leaving the shrine and house to Kagome. She lived alone for most of that time, but one day, she was drawn to the well. She decided that she needed more help and friendship than she realized, that was the day she decided that she couldn't do this alone anymore. She needed her friends.



Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away
All the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




In keeping her promise to Inuyasha,Sango and Miroku agreed that it would be different, but worth a shot to move in with Kagome...forever leaving the feudal era. They had adjusted to life there easier than expected and were even awaiting the birth of their daughter. Her thoughts drifted back to Inuyasha... her heart felt as though it had been squeezed tightly, her eyes were sore but she knew... that no matter what had happened... even though he wasn't there, she had to go on.

In the next room the baby cried. Kagome got up from her bed and walked into the room. Picking him up she noticed that he now had silver hair and dog-ears... just like his father.

"Oh, I know sweetie... you just aren't used to it yet... mommy is here for you. You know what would cheer you up? I do..." she said in a sweetly baby voice. "I'm going to tell you about the greatest man I have ever met... his name was Inuyasha... your daddy. And though you prolly won't understand anything I am telling you, I think its only fair that you know he is always with us. It all started one day when I was 15 years old...."

Not seein' that lovin' you
that's what I was trying to do
Oooo, Oooo, Oooo -

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