Chapter 1 - Untitled

1.Oh my God! I just hit the connection! Popular people are retards! Now it makes sense. *

2.The Lord was kind to me and harsh to you. You see, He gave me a breaking point where I totally go off on people. That's how He was kind to me. He was harsh to you because you're about ten seconds away from seeing this famed breaking point!

3.Somewhere on this globe,every ten seconds,is a woman giving birth to a child.She must be found and stopped.



4.join the army,see the world,meet interesting people,and kill them.



5.A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too!



6.The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order



7. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go

8. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.

9. I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally

10.   I quit flying years ago. I don't want to die with tourists.

11. The report of my death was an exaggeration.

12. There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

13. It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper

14. You can pretend to be serious;
you can't pretend to be witty.

15. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open,
and your friends are all watching
you fall, I think a funny gag would be to
pretend you were swimming.

16. "People are like stained-glass windows.

They sparkle when the sun is out,
but when the darkness sets in,
their true beauty is revealed
only if there is a light from within.

17. Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe
and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it
and he'll have to touch to be sure.

18. Before you criticize someone,
walk a mile in his shoes.
Then when you do criticize that person,
you'll be a mile away and have his shoes!

19. There are two types of people in this world,
good and bad. The good sleep better,
but the bad seem to enjoy the waking
hours much more.

20. There are 3 kinds of people:
Those who can count,
and those who cannot.

21. When I read about the evils of drinking,
I gave up reading.

22. I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up

23. Really Important Stuff Kids Have Taught Me
[ulist]
It's more fun to color outside the lines.

If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.

Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.

If your dog doesn't like someone you probably shouldn't either.

Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.

Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.

If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.

There is no good reason why clothes have to match.

If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.

Save a place in lines for your friends.

Just keep banging until someone opens the door.

Making your bed is a waste of time.

Make up the rules as you go along.

It doesn't matter who started it.

Ask for sprinkles.

Hang on tight

Ask "why" until you understand.
[/ulist]
Feeling Old Now?[/url]




24. I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

25. Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"

26. "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."

27. My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

28. "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."

29. "I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her

30. "I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."

31. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

32. "Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued.
Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976."

33. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

34. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

35. Everything I know I learned from my cat: When you're hungry, eat. When you're tired, nap in a sunbeam. When you go to the vet's, pee on your owner.

36. Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.

37. Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

38. We confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no large ones.

39. Not being able to do everything is no excuse for not doing everything you can.

40. When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"

41. "I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets

42. I'M NOT SPOILED I'M LOVED

43. 'According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.''

44. If I'm not back in five minutes... wait longer!

45. I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want -- an adorable pancreas?

46. A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.

47. When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss...and they called ME slow!

48. Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

49.When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

50.I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

51.I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

52.For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

53.Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

54.If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

55.Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

56.When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

57.Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don't have film.

58.You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?

59.I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

60.Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

61.Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)

62.Death is hereditary.

63.There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

64.An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

65.Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

66.When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

67.Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

68.Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

69.Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

70.They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

71.Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He won't expect it back.

72.I like work.  It fascinates me.  I  sit and look at it for hours.

73.If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

74.Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

75.Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

76.If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.

77.Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

78.It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

79.Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

 

80.The brain is a wonderful organ.  It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

81.The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there  to appreciate it.

82.We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?

83.. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.

84. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

85. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

86. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

87. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

88. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

89. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

90. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

91. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

92. My Reality Check bounced.

93. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

94. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

95. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

96. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

97. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

98. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.

99. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

100.Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

101.Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.

102.Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching
them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years
telling them to sit down and shut-up.

103.Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

104.I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids
do you want?

105.Children are natural mimics who act like their parents,
despite every effort to teach them good manners.

106.Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.

107."There is only one pretty child in the world... and every
 mother has it." -  .

108.The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

109.Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.

110."Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"

111.You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of
the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom.

112.Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby"
has never tried it.

113.There will be a day when you ask me what's more important, my life or you, I will say my life, you will turn around and walk away not knowing that you are my life!"

114."Find out who you are, and do it on purpose." 

115."Don't ever frown because you never know who is falling in love with your smile!"

116."A girl and a guy can be just friends, but at one point or another they will fall for each other.. Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever"

117."A friend is someone that will come and bail you outa jail but a best friend is someone that will be sitting right next to you saying that was freakin awesome!"

118." Its the best feeling in the world when you say hi to me or smile at me cause I know for a second I crossed your mind"

119."Life isn't measured by the breaths you take but by the things that take your breath away"

120."Friends are God's way of taking care of us."

121."A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

122."Friends are like stars, you can't always see them but you know that they are always there." 

123."The best things in life are seen in dreams" 

124."Don't forget who are because you never know what you'll be." 

125."Just Remember... Everything is ok in the end. If it's not ok, then its DEFIANTLY not the end!" 

126."I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved who I'm not."

127."Today if a smile comes to you and it's one you can't explain, it is because I thought of you and smiled just the same"
 128.“Don't be surprised if I stumble over my words when I am with you. Sometimes it is hard to talk with a big grin on my face"

129. "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."

130. "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

131."If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for assistance."

132. Time is money, money is the root of all evil, and knowledge is power. Therefore, procrastination is the key to world peace.
      

133.   The best part about procrastination is that you are never bored, because you have all kinds of things that you should be doing. 

134.Someday is not a day of the week.
     
135.A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. 

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