Chapter 1 - Untitled

The standard repository for all knowledge and wisdom in the universe is known as “The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy”. Not only is it a wholly remarkable book, it is also a highly successful one- more popular than the Celestial Home Care Omnibus, better selling than Fifty-Three More Things to Do in Zero Gravity, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters, Where God Went Wrong, Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes, and Who Is This God Person Anyway?. And on its cover written in large friendly letters are the words “Don't Panic”

And now will follow a collection of the more notable entries which can be found in the guide.





Planet Tarlililiquarn: To put it simply a planet that should well be avoided if you're an organic life form who likes being alive (Which would explain numerous ships entering the planets orbit reading “I regret nothing!). Why getting anywhere near this planet is hazardous to your health is quite simply because it is now over run by robots. This planet whose name was been lost of guide logs was once a semi-advanced planet which had had some contact with the rest of the universe. While still in the middle of solving the mystery of what happens when an atom is split, the idea of robots was introduces to them. And everyone thought it was a great idea, they quickly bought every robot in the Northern-Eastern universe. And these robots where used the mass production of everything. Eventually robots outnumbered organic life forms 6 ½ to one. And so the robots began to wonder, “Why do we do everything? “What do they do?” “What time is it?” So there was a mass holocaust, wave after wave of newly produced Kill-O-bots destroyed much of the population. Meanwhile the Tarlililiquarns where busy fiddling with those atoms. So the inhabitants fled to underwater cities where the robots couldn't get to them, a since the word “Waterproofing” was never programmed into the system, everyone's now happy. The robots now control the ground areas of the planet, and now written in gigantic neon signs on the planets surface is a message to passing space ships, which reads “1100101101010101001011101”, cybernetic experts theorize this may be a threat.



Orbital station J39: One must never look directly at orbital station J39, or around it, or out of the corner of ones eye. In fact your better off flying backwards when traveling anywhere with 3 light-years near it. The orbital station is a show room of all man made things which emit light. No one has every been able to figure out exactly how bright these light are, the last man who tried got his eyes melts after seeing it through several oddly placed mirrors.

This has been however been beneficial for the planet it orbits Voolooooox, the area which orbital station J39 is now a burnt waste land due to the intense light. The good part is the area in its indirect light is now topical paradises. It would be the biggest tourist destination in the universe is people didn't get blind on the way there.





War: The guide is not only a guide to places; it is also a guide to things. War can simply be defined as then one force (Force A), gets angry for whatever reason at force B, and this causes forces A and B to fight, or have a “War”, often this will also drag in forces C and D. It is also apparent that roughly 50 years later video games and film will be made about said “war” with no regard to anyone who fought in it.



The second definition of “War” could be put simply as “A waste of everyone time and money”. See “Shopping”



Planet Sakov: Planet Sakov was well known for its inhabitants being clean nutcases. This can be blamed on one of the greatest mistakes in recorded history; a message from their messiah was mistranslated from “Love one another n peace and harmony” to “Clean each other in a sterile environment”. After research shows a direct correlation between runny noses and gardens. The government decided to get rib of all planet life by carpeting the planets surface. This however led to the problem of getting oxygen, which from them on had to be imported from other planets. It wasn't long before legions of carpet salesmen arrived on Sakov. Now while in orbit you can admire the lush shag carpeting and oriental patterns of the billions of square miles of carpet.

But then everyone forgot about growing crops, and since the government had spent all their money on oxygen, everyone died. And it wasn't long before the new carpet desert grew over the planet.



Blacker Holes: We all know black holes are large black holes in space which suck you up if you get too close to them. But what if a black hole sucked up another black hole? This gives rise to a blacker hole. The explanation to how this happens is that stars dieing cause a spot which gravitational force, but when twin stars die they end up sucking each other up. In short, blacker holes are twice the size of you average black hole and are twice as powerful gravitational force.

Should you ever get sucked into a blacker hole on of the following things will happen.

You wind up somewhere on the farthest reaches of the universe

You'll be ripped into tiny pieces in an infinite vacuum contained in a 1cm by 1cm cube.

You'll end up in New Jersey
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Universal warming: Every civilized planet in the universe get to a point where it starts to pollute its own climate and not notice until it's to dam late to do anything about it. This cause global warms, however there is an effect which no one could possibly have predicted. The accumulated warmth of every major planet in the galaxy quite literally heats the universe. On the positive side it heats ships in deep space up and gives the prefect excuse for a hot tub party. The negative is that it causes stars to get too hot, and as if they where already hot enough. In short it causes early death of stars; there have already been several incidents of stars exploding. Experts believe it may soon reach a point where every star will explode at the same time. Which will mean death for us all. (Before you go crazy, please read the cover again)



In memory of Douglas Adams: Died 11th may 2001

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