Chapter 1 - 70 Things I'm Not Allowed to do in the Akatsuki.

70 Things I am Not Allowed to do in the Akatsuki.

1) I am not allowed to dye the cloaks hot pink with bright yellow clouds.
2) I am no longer allowed to tease Hidan about his religion...no matter how stupid I think it is.
3) An open cloak and a tie is not a proper Akatsuki uniform.
4) I am not allowed to sell maps leading to the Akatsuki's secret hideouts.
5) Sasori's nose doesn't grow everytime he lies and I am not allowed to cast a jutsu that makes it grow.
6) I am no longer allowed to ask Deidara if he's a boy or a girl...no matter how badly I want to know.
7) The pokemon Ninetails is not the Nine-Tailed Fox Demon and I will stop capturing them and bringing them back to the base.
8) I am not allowed to chase Kisame around with a knife and fork and scream, "Sushi!!"
-Nor am I allowed to squirt tartar sauce on him and try to take a bite out of him.
9) Telling Tobi that Zetsu ate Santa wasn't funny, it was just cruel.
10) I am not allowed to transform Itachi into Sasuke.
-Or any other member.
-Including myself.
11) I'm not allowed to spray Zetsu with weed killer.
12) I will stop spreading rumors that Leader sama has knocked up Konan...no matter how fat I think she looks.
13) I will not call Konan fat.
14) I will stop singing Christmas songs outside of other member's doors.
-Especially not in June.
-I will not recruit Tobi to do it for me.
15) If the thought of a prank makes me laugh for more than 15 seconds I am to assume I am not allowed to do it.
16) Tobi is not a fake and I will stop trying to prove otherwise.
17) I do not NEED to know if Kisame is blue ALL over and attempting to find out is frowned upon.
-This goes double for Zetsu.
18) Tobi is NOT a lollipop and I should stop licking him.
19) When someone accuses me of not wearing underwear, attempting to prove them wrong is highly frowned upon.
-Especially if I can't.
20) For my own safety, I will NEVER EVER touch Kakuzu's money again.
21) If I even look like I'm about to sing, "I Know a Song That gets on Everybody's Nerves" I will be killed.
-That goes double for "This is the Song That Never Ends."
-I am not allowed to sing, period.
22) I am not allowed to hack Hidan into pieces...no matter how bored I am.
23) I am no longer allowed near electric shavers...no matter how funny everyone looks without hair.
24) I am never allowed near dye again.
-Or paint.
-Or the laundry.
25) I am not funny...no matter how much I make myself laugh.
26) No matter how good of an Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin and follow Kisame everywhere.
27) If a teammate falls asleep in the living room, I will not take advantage of that fact and write cuss words all over their face.
28) I will not spray Sasori for termites...even if I consider it an act of kindness.
29) I am not allowed to dye my hair yellow, dress in orange, and shout "LONG LIVE NARUTO!" at dinner because I think it's funny.
30) I will stop asking Itachi what the square root of -1 is.
31) Asking Tobi, "How do you keep an idiot in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
32) It is a bad idea to tell Itachi that he takes himself too seriously.
33) It is a REALLY bad idea to tell Pein that he takes himself too seriously.
34) I will not take out a life insurance policy on any member of the Akatsuki.
35) It is generally accepted that wolves and dragons cannot interbred and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.
36) Crucifixes do not ward off Hidan, and I will stop throwing them at him.
37) Kisame does not enjoy being called, 'Snookums'.
-Nor does he respond favorably to 'Kis,' Fishy-kun', or 'Same-poo' (pronounced 'sigh-me' not same).
38) New members are not to be fed to Zetsu, no matter how much they annoy me.
39) I am not allowed to sell incriminating pictures of members to enemy villages.
-Giving said pictures out free of charge is also frowned upon.
40) Kakuzu is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents.
-Especially not in June.
41) I am not allowed to write the words, 'Drink Me' onto any bottle of Sasori's poisons and leave them for Tobi to find.
42) I will not say the phrase, "Dude, get a life." to Pein.
43) I will stop asking Zetsu where the Jolly Green Giant is.
44) I will stop jumping to my feet at meetings, holding up my ring, and shouting, "One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."
45) I am not allowed to eat lollipops within Kisame's sight ever again.
46) I must stop refferring to members by the embarrassing nicknames they acquired when they were children.
47) "Y'all check this-here shoot out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that I'm about to perform an experimental jutsu.
48) While the Akatsuki's goal IS to conquer the world, it is not "To conquer the world with an army of flying monkeys."
49) I will stop sending Deidara forged love letters that appear to be from Tobi.
50) I am not able to see the grim reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by Itachi, tapping his foot and looking impatiently at him.
51) I am not allowed to hold Kisame's sword high in the air and shout, "I'VE...GOT...THE...POWER!"
52) I am not to attempt to stake Hidan.
53) The proper way to report to Pein is "You wanted to see me leader sama?" Not, "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."
54) I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Konoha.
55) I will not perform a jutsu's handsigns in reverse order 'to see what happens.'
56) Itachi's problem isn't that 'he needs to get laid.'
57) "OMGWTF!" is not a jutsu.
58) I am not allowed to ask Zetsu if the size of his flytrap is 'compensating for something.'
59) Just because I can 'walk' on water that doesn't mean I'm Jesus reincarnated.
60) Hidan is not a vimpire named 'Spike.'
61) We are in Japan, not America, therefore the US First Amendment of Free Speech doesn't apply to me.
62) I cannot lock Deidara and Tobi in a room together and take bets on who comes out alive.
63) Telling Hidan what he can do with his scythe...is not advisable.
64) The Akatsuki is NOT Team Rocket and I will stop singing the Team Rocket theme song.
65) I am not allowed to spank other members...no matter how much they might enjoy it.
66) Even though Pein does give his followers rings he is NOT Captain Planet.
67) I am not allowed to superglue Deidara and Sasori's hands together.
68) When I'm around Orochimaru I am to address him as such, not 'Snake-Face, the Dark Lord Happy Pants.'
69) Telling Pein where he can stick it is...not smart.
70) I am not allowed to ask Itachi, "If your parents got a divorce...would they still be brother and sister?"

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