Chapter 1 - Link vs. Bob the redead
Submitted January 21, 2007 Updated July 31, 2007 Status Complete | The ultimate battle between Link and Bob the Redead. Mild language and violence. Many surprises. Be careful.
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Chapter 1 - Link vs. Bob the redead
Chapter 1 - Link vs. Bob the redead
He couldn't move. He couldn't scream. All Link could do was watch as the menacing, poo-like zombie slowly walked towards him. Slowly... Slooooowly... Ever so slowly, like half the speed of a snail. Link kept watching the redead; every step, every halt, and every trip over its own two feet.
Link's life flashed before his eyes. His birth, the long journey to the Kokiri Forest, the beauty of his first look at the forest, his many years in the forest, leaving the forest, pushing a grave stone in the Kakariko graveyard, falling down the hole, and getting frozen by this stupid redead all flashed through his mind in less than a second.
Why...Why?! he though. Why did I never give Mido a good @$$-woopin'?!
The redead was right in front of him now. Link could smell its foul breath. That breath could kill a zebra. Stinky and deadly at the same time, it would have killed Link if he had been able to take a deep breath.
The redead sloooooowly raised its arm and was about to strike when the freezing effect wore off. Link jumped backwards, did a quadruple backflip in the air, and landed on his face.
The redead, who's name was Bob, looked at Link sadly. It was happening again. Every time someone came down here, Bob tried to say "hello" but could only manage freaky moaning that froze them in their tracks. By the time Bob got to them and tried to pat them on the head they unfroze, did a quadruple backflip, and landed on either their face or their bottom. Bob cursed his slow legs.
Why...Why...?! Bob though. Why didn't I eat my greens like Ma told me to?!
"Because you're too stubborn," said a voice from behind him.
"Ma?" Bob gasped. It was too good to be true.
"Of course it's me," growled Ol' Ma Redead. "I'm the only person who would visit you after death."
"Oh Ma, you don't know how much that means to me."
"Nor do I want to"
"So why have you come to see me, Ma?"
"I have come to deliver a message."
If Bob's empty sockets could have widened, they would have. "What message?"
"You must remember," began Ol' Ma. "You are to beware of the one who says that he will 'Bust a cap in yo' @$$.' Remember that, my son."
"Ma... wait!"
But it was too late. Ol' Ma Redead was gone forever.
Link had been watching this strange conversation between the two zombies from the floor, and when the first redead turned to face him again he though quickly. He whipped out his hookshot and shot it at the ceiling, then remembered that he didn't get this tool until he won a race seven years in the future. He fell right on top of the redead, resulting in a disgusting "squish" noise.
Link and Bob awoke a few moments later. Link jumped up and pulled out his sling shot. Bob sloooooooooooooowly got up and raised his arm. This was it. The final battle. Tensions were at their highest. Nothing could stop this ultimate, climatic battle, not even someone crashing through the wall, which wouldn't make sense because they were underground.
Link was about to charge when someone crashed trough the wall, stopping the ultimate, climatic battle. When the smoke cleared, Link was shocked and Bob was confused. It was none other than Link's ach rival Ganondorf, brandishing a sleek, black 9mm pistol.
"I'll bust a cap in yo' @$$!" screamed Ganondorf.
Bob tried to scream, but all that came out was a freaky moan that froze Link in his tracks. Link proceded to unfreeze, do a quadruple backflip, and fall on his bottom. Then Ganondorf busted a cap in Bob's @$$. Bob melted into a pile of stinky brown goo.
Ganondorf was about to turn on Link when Nexx (LinnksBuddy) clambered through the hole in the wall, waving a script.
"What the hell is going on here?!" he yelled. "Ganondorf, you aren't even supposed to be here!"
"Oh yeah," he grunted. "I'm supposed to be in some gay LoZ-Sailor Moon crossover."
"Well this is horrible," Nexx began. "Link, that's awful acting! You need to be more enthusiastic. Ganondorf, get the hell out of here! Bob, get up!"
The pile of stinky goo gurgled.
"I'm not goin' nowhere," said Ganondorf.
"What?" said Nexx.
"I said your momma's fat."
"What?"
"I said I like tomato pie."
"What?"
Ganondorf shot a bullet at Nexx's head. Nexx ducked, and the bullet bounced off the wall and hit Link right between the eyes.
"Oh burn," said Ganondorf.
Nexx quickly scribbled something onto the script, then Ganondorf was suddenly tied to a chair. Nexx climbed back through the hole in the wall, shaking his head. A gew moment later, Ganondorf was eaten by redeads.
"Oh burn," said Nexx.
After these events took place, the rest of OoT was screwed up. No one bought the game and Nintendo went bankrupt. Thank god this is fictional.
THE END
Link's life flashed before his eyes. His birth, the long journey to the Kokiri Forest, the beauty of his first look at the forest, his many years in the forest, leaving the forest, pushing a grave stone in the Kakariko graveyard, falling down the hole, and getting frozen by this stupid redead all flashed through his mind in less than a second.
Why...Why?! he though. Why did I never give Mido a good @$$-woopin'?!
The redead was right in front of him now. Link could smell its foul breath. That breath could kill a zebra. Stinky and deadly at the same time, it would have killed Link if he had been able to take a deep breath.
The redead sloooooowly raised its arm and was about to strike when the freezing effect wore off. Link jumped backwards, did a quadruple backflip in the air, and landed on his face.
The redead, who's name was Bob, looked at Link sadly. It was happening again. Every time someone came down here, Bob tried to say "hello" but could only manage freaky moaning that froze them in their tracks. By the time Bob got to them and tried to pat them on the head they unfroze, did a quadruple backflip, and landed on either their face or their bottom. Bob cursed his slow legs.
Why...Why...?! Bob though. Why didn't I eat my greens like Ma told me to?!
"Because you're too stubborn," said a voice from behind him.
"Ma?" Bob gasped. It was too good to be true.
"Of course it's me," growled Ol' Ma Redead. "I'm the only person who would visit you after death."
"Oh Ma, you don't know how much that means to me."
"Nor do I want to"
"So why have you come to see me, Ma?"
"I have come to deliver a message."
If Bob's empty sockets could have widened, they would have. "What message?"
"You must remember," began Ol' Ma. "You are to beware of the one who says that he will 'Bust a cap in yo' @$$.' Remember that, my son."
"Ma... wait!"
But it was too late. Ol' Ma Redead was gone forever.
Link had been watching this strange conversation between the two zombies from the floor, and when the first redead turned to face him again he though quickly. He whipped out his hookshot and shot it at the ceiling, then remembered that he didn't get this tool until he won a race seven years in the future. He fell right on top of the redead, resulting in a disgusting "squish" noise.
Link and Bob awoke a few moments later. Link jumped up and pulled out his sling shot. Bob sloooooooooooooowly got up and raised his arm. This was it. The final battle. Tensions were at their highest. Nothing could stop this ultimate, climatic battle, not even someone crashing through the wall, which wouldn't make sense because they were underground.
Link was about to charge when someone crashed trough the wall, stopping the ultimate, climatic battle. When the smoke cleared, Link was shocked and Bob was confused. It was none other than Link's ach rival Ganondorf, brandishing a sleek, black 9mm pistol.
"I'll bust a cap in yo' @$$!" screamed Ganondorf.
Bob tried to scream, but all that came out was a freaky moan that froze Link in his tracks. Link proceded to unfreeze, do a quadruple backflip, and fall on his bottom. Then Ganondorf busted a cap in Bob's @$$. Bob melted into a pile of stinky brown goo.
Ganondorf was about to turn on Link when Nexx (LinnksBuddy) clambered through the hole in the wall, waving a script.
"What the hell is going on here?!" he yelled. "Ganondorf, you aren't even supposed to be here!"
"Oh yeah," he grunted. "I'm supposed to be in some gay LoZ-Sailor Moon crossover."
"Well this is horrible," Nexx began. "Link, that's awful acting! You need to be more enthusiastic. Ganondorf, get the hell out of here! Bob, get up!"
The pile of stinky goo gurgled.
"I'm not goin' nowhere," said Ganondorf.
"What?" said Nexx.
"I said your momma's fat."
"What?"
"I said I like tomato pie."
"What?"
Ganondorf shot a bullet at Nexx's head. Nexx ducked, and the bullet bounced off the wall and hit Link right between the eyes.
"Oh burn," said Ganondorf.
Nexx quickly scribbled something onto the script, then Ganondorf was suddenly tied to a chair. Nexx climbed back through the hole in the wall, shaking his head. A gew moment later, Ganondorf was eaten by redeads.
"Oh burn," said Nexx.
After these events took place, the rest of OoT was screwed up. No one bought the game and Nintendo went bankrupt. Thank god this is fictional.
THE END
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