Chapter 1 - Suicide is Painless

(C) Tom 2006 all rights reserved ;)


Okay, here I go, there's no stopping me now.
But why should I be saying this? Nobody cares...
That's the whole reason I'm about to do this... right?
Well... I have everything set up, I've got everything where I want it to be, now all I have to do, is end it all...
I wonder.... Is this even the best way? Really, stabbing yourself isn't the BEST way to die,
but the only other way that I know i can do is slitting my wrists which I can't do since my mother will be home soon.....
But why should she care? Uhh..... My head is spinning! I know this is what I want, but now that I'm here....
It's just so hard....
I have the knife, I've done my research, I know that I should stab myself in the heart...
But I feel so guilty, I mean, I'm still here now, so there must of been some-one who cared about me..
Maybe that was my father, but when I was about 5 my mother said daddy had gone....
I never understood that, he tucked me in, kissed me goodnight and the next day he wasn't there...
I can't remember if I cried then, I think I didn't understand.
My mother, she changed after that, she used to be so happy, after that she became... weird...

*Sigh* I feel cold... I guess I just don't like this room, in fact, I don't like this house.
It's Tim's house, a.k.a my mother boyfreind andsoon-to-be husband.
I really don't like him, he's not nice to me, always trying to pretend I'm not there, that I'm nothing.
In fact, even if I die I doubt either of them will care, I'm probably just baggage now, yet I don't know why they hate me.

*chuckle* I'm talking to myself.
Isn't that the first sign of crazyness? If so, I must have been crazy for a long while..
I think I started talking to myself at about the age of 12, and I'm 14 now. That would make me crazy for two years.. haha..
But I like talking to myself,I am the only person who listens to what I say. I can talk to myself without being scared, frightened, and in the safe knowledge that I won't laugh at myself.
Hmph, maybe that's what it's like to have a freind. I think I had one once, but she went away, just like my father did.
I don't know why, it seems everybody I liked would go away from me. Even my ex-boyfreind, who was really nice,
got addicted to drugs and followed the same path that I am about to go through...

I'm having second thoughts now. Like, there's still a chance for me? Right?
I'm only 14, I can still grow up, get married, have kids.... And studies show that by 2030 only 30% of the world's population will have access to clean drinking water, and I'll probably be the unlucky 70%.
The world is going to the dogs, crime is on the rise, drugs are being distributed, the kids aren't alright,
there's rape, children doing crimes, people being meaninglessly killed... I can't go on like this, It's too hard..
But maybe I can become rich and famous? I could become an actor or a model, or even a... Prostitute...
It's not like I have a bad body. I'm actually quite nice.
Tall, slim, nice breasts, a lot of the boys at school seem to like me,
but maybe it's just because of my flourescent red hair that fascinates them or cause there's only one thing boys want....
No! Scratch that idea! I don't want to live! I hate everybody! I hate everything! Everything hates me!

I feel a tear go down my face.
I take my hand to wipe it off, and feel the soft sweet skin of my cheek against the hard, cold fingers of my hand..
Then I just burst into tears, crying and crying and crying, tears go down my purple shirt, soaking it.
My jeans get wet too, and I feel uncomfortable, I don't like it anymore, I don't care, I just want to be happy.
I don't even KNOW why I'm depressed! I have an o.k life, Tim is rich, and maybe my parents don't love me,
but I have a life other than that at home.
I have freinds at school, I'm fairly popular, I go out to the mall with people and stuff sometimes, plenty of boys have asked me out...
And I agree, but it just doesn't feel right..
I feel empty, like there's something missing in my life..
Maybe it's adventure? Maybe I want fun? But I don't know.. It's impossible to tell..

Wait... what if I go out into the world? get out of this small american town and go places?
Yes.. It's coming together now... I will go out, and find something, it may take forever, but I'll find it!
My life... It's becoming clearer! I am not wanted here! But everybody has a place, a time, a situation..
I pick myself up, brush off my jeans and shirt, ruffle my hair up a bit, put on my black coat and walk out of the dark, cold bathroom.



To Be Continued

You are not authorized to comment here. Your must be registered and logged in to comment