Chapter 1 - The Quotes!

INTRO:
This is a list of quotes that I found around the web that I find funny. :D
All the small print from 'Random Facts' Applies here :P



This is "The surest sign that intelligent life exists
elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. "
- Calvin & Hobbes

"When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?"
- Unknown

"The nuclear bomb took all the fun out of war. "
- Edward Abbey

"Remember grasshopper, when you can take the stone from my hand....then you will have a stone and I won't."
- Unknown

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
- Ellen DeGeneres

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
- Douglas Adams

"The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."
- Kilgore Trout

"Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore. It's too crowded. "
- Unknown

"Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry."
- Unknown

"I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'"
- Jay Leno

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
- Dave Barry

" Grow your own dope, plant a man. "
- Probably a female.

" WET PAINT (This is not an instruction) "
-Sign

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before."
- Unknown

"You know, medicine is not an exact science, but we are learning all the time. Why, just fifty years ago they thought a disease like your daughter's was caused by demonic possession or witchcraft. But nowadays, we know that Isabelle is suffereing from an imbalance of bodily humors, perhaps caused by a toad or a small dwarf living in her stomach."
- Theodoric of York, Saturday Night Live

Never moon a werewolf.
- Unknown

"It's not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop. "
- Unknown


"Smoking kills, and if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields, Anti-smoking spokesperson

"It's bad luck to be superstitious "
- Andrew Mathis

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
- Unknown

"Do employees of the Lipton Tea company take coffee breaks?"
-Unkown

"Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. "
- Unknown

"Some cars are so worthless that they double in value when the gas tank is filled up. "
- Unknown


"If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?"
- Unknown

"If it wasn't for venetian blinds it would be curtains for us all."
- Unknown

"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak "
- Unknown

"Junk Food makes you obese, obese people are fat, fat people DIE!!!!!!!!!"
- Anon

"Baseball's all wrong, no one could possibly walk with four balls. "
- Unknown

"Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."
- Terry Pratchett

"Man who board plane sideways going to Bangkok."
- Confusius says

"Where there's a will... I want to be on it. "
- Unknown

"If we Can't fix it, it aint broken!"
- Hamsterjokes (taken from god knows where)

"My Mom follows me everywhere"
- Toilet Graffity
"I do not!"
- Under Previous quote

"Men are like public toilets, they are either engaged or full of shome bodily waste."
- Unknown

"He who laughs last, thinks slowest."
- Unknown


"The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen... and stupidity. You may have read that epigraph on a button or on a graffiti wall somewhere. They always get it wrong. It's my quote. I thunk it up. You can find it in my autobiographical sketch in Who's Who. But when they swipe it, the schmucks always get it wrong. They say, 'The two most common things in the universe...' which ain't funny. Elements. Now that is funny."
- Harlan Ellison's Dream Corridor, issue one ,March 1995, page 22

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners."
- Jeff Stilson

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
- Jake Johansen

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
- Lily Tomlin

"Never say 'Oops' in the operating room. "
- Dr. Leo Troy

Do not attempt to stop chainsaw with hands or genitals.
- Chainsaw Instructions

Now available in multi-packs.
- 'I love you only' Valentine Cards

If you can read this, then we wasted 50 billion bucks.
- Bumper Sticker On Stealth Bomb

No trespassing without permission.
- Public School Grounds

Three year old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.
- Newspaper Ad

"I'm going to live eternal life, or die trying!"
- Unknown

"Day without sunshine is like night."
- Unknown



*Insert Witty Small Print Here*


By the way, for a bunch of kool lists, go to http://members.aol.com/ntwkstssi/howto.htm

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