Chapter 1 - Nanashi Rules; Assault on the Anime Club

Nanashi Kurai Hanashi



Chapter 11

Nanashi Rules, Assault on the Anime Club!



(Day- NANSHI is sitting at lunch.)



Wes

So I jump off the ledge then pull out

My beam sword and hack the guy's

Head off!



Nabeshin

Another riveting chapter of

“Wes Has No Life”.



Ken

(Pointing to Nabeshin's tray)

You gonna eat that?



Nabeshin

You say it as if that would

Stop you.



Ken

Good point.

(Grabs tray and shoves it into his mouth,

then pulls the empty tray out of his mouth.)



Ranma

(Sitting down)

$1.70 for lunch. Can you believe

that crap?



Ian

They need the money to keep

Their anti-ninja defense system

Running.



Wes

Anti-ninja defense?



Ian

Yeah, but it's not very good,

I've tried to explain that to them,

But they won't listen.

(Goes to IAN holding blue-prints of the building inside the principle's office.)



And if we plant the mines here it

Should prevent most amateur ground

Attacks.



Principle

Who the hell are you?



(Goes back to NANASHI.)



Ranma

I wonder why?



Ian

See that window? It's not properly

Protected. It should be made of

Flexi-glass and sprayed with a corrosive

Acid to prevent tampering, but in its current state

A ninja could just bust right through and chop some

People's heads off.



Ranma

Acid!

Are you insane!



Ian

You can never be too careful, Ranma.



(KIJIN sits down.)



Kijin

Hey guys. Hear about Bush's

Tax cuts that have increased our

Deficit and benefit only the top

1% of people in the U.S.?



Ranma

(Ignoring him)

We need to play some

Risk.



Ken

Yes, a game of Risk

Would indeed be most

Enjoyable. Risk soaves the

Soul and calms the mind.



(Goes to KEN in a kimono sitting under a cherry tree, writing on parchment with a paint brush.)



A haiku.

Risk, it calms my soul

Many armies waging great war.

I am quite hungry.

Feed me some food now.

My thirst is endless-



Ranma

Haiku's are only 17

Syllables and three lines.



Ken

No they're not.

The Japanese do it wrong.



Nabeshin

I'm fairly sure they don't.



Kijin

He's right they don't.



Ken

Silence whelp!

Speak only when thee is spoken to.



(Announcements come on.)



Speaker

Hello, it's Friday, and

Here are your announcements for today.

The anime club will meet today after school

In the cafeteria-



(NANASHI freezes.)



Ranma

Did he just say anime club?



Ian

We have an anime club?



Ken

Arr maties, I've heard tales of ye anime

Club. They say that on Fridays after school they

Gather at this very spot and watch anime.



Nabeshin

The announcement said that.



Ken

What's your point?



Wes

We should go.



Kijin

Sorry, I've got a lot of

Homework in Chemistry, then

I have to surf the net and

Find out Bush is destroying this

Country today.



Wes

Ok, anyone else?



Nanashi

We'll go.



(Zips to NANASHI walking towards the cafeteria.)



Ranma

All right, anime club!



Ian

This should be a good way to

Relax after a long week of

Saving the world.



(Two guards in front of the door stop them.)



Guard A

Halt, who goes there.



Nabeshin

Nanashi.





Guard B

Never heard of ya.



Wes

We're a band.



Ian

Well, most of us.

(looks at Ken)



Guard A

Sorry, but only true otaku

Can enter here.



Nabeshin

Then let us in.



Guard B

If you wish to enter, you

Must answer three questions.



Wes

Shoot.



Guard A

What colors were the five lions

That merged to form Voltron?



Ian

Easy. Red, blue, black, yellow, and green.



Guard B

Correct. Name the two

Turtles in Love Hina.



Nabeshin

Tama-chan and Gidget, piece of cake.



Guard A

Final question. How many hairs are on

Hairs are on Pikachu's body?

Ranma

You're not serious.





Guard B

Very. Now answer the question.

You have 30 seconds.



Ian

How are we supposed to know?!

Even the animators don't know that!



Guard A

15.



Wes

I have no, uh, 23.



Guard B

Wrong. The answer was-



(A guy in the cafeteria yells.)



Shannon

Jake, Mike. Quit acting like guards and

Get in here!



(NANASHI face faults.)



Shannon

(welcoming Nanashi)

Sorry about that. Anyways, welcome to

The anime club. I'm the head of it, Shannon

McGregor.



Nabeshin

Hold it, what your name again?



Shannon

Shannon McGregor.



Ranma

But (snicker) you're a

(snicker) guy.



Shannon

Yeah, so?



Nanashi

Ha ha ha! Shannon McGregor!

That's a good one!



Ian

I thought Forgestein was a

Funny name, but man-



Nabeshin

That one takes the cake.



Wes

When you were being born, God must

Have poked you with a coat hanger!



Ken

Shannon!



Ranma

What kind of name is Shannon

For a guy.



Shannon

Ha ha, yeah it is weird.

(thinking)

Bastards.



Ian

So…Shannon (snicker),

What are we watching today?



Shannon

I'll let the others tell you.

Hey guys, what are we watching?



Guy A

Hamtaro!



Girl A

Followed by re-runs of

Gigantor.



Guard B

Then dubbed and edited versions of

Ruroni Kenshin.



(NANAHI stares at them.)





Ranma

Do you always watch that kind

Of stuff?



Guard A

No, sometimes we watch

English versions of

DBZ.



Girl A

Followed by Blue Gender.



(NANASHI stares at them in horror.)



Nabeshin

You poor sheltered children.



Ian

People of anime club,

I give you Gundam 0087!

(Holds up a Gundam 0087 DVD.)



Nabeshin

Neon Genesis Evangeline!

(Holds up DVD)



Wes

Akira!

(Holds up DVD)



Ranma

Love Hina!

(Holds up DVD)



Ken

And Pokemon the First Movie!

(Holds up DVD)



(NANASHI glares at him.)



Uh, I mean Yu Yu Hakusho.

(Holds up DVD)









Shannon

(Thinking)

Real otakus? This could

Ruin everything. Better nip it

In the bud.

(Talking)

Uh, we can't watch that stuff.

It's uh…too violent.



Wes

Violent?!

What's violent about Akira?

Well, besides whole telekinesis

Rampage thing.



Nabeshin

And the gang fights…



Ken

And that part where he puffs up

Like this.

(Puffs himself up)



Ranma

Don't ever do that again.



Shannon

Nope, sorry. It's either Hamtaro

Or the highway, your choice.

Right my slave-uh, fellow anime

Club members?



Amine Club Members

(Like zombies)

Yes Shannon.



Nabeshin

Oh yeah, well you can kiss

My-



(Goes to NANASHI sitting on a curb outside of school.)



Asphalt. We try and help

The anime club and we thrown out onto

The asphalt.



Ranma

Those poor sheltered kids.



Ian

Being forced to watch that

Crap. That's not anime.



Ken

That's right, this is anime.

(Pulls out Pokemon Movie DVD)



Ranma

You're being the opposite of helpful

Right now.



Wes

Yeah what's with this?!

(grabs DVD)



Ken

Mine!



Wes

Why do you have this crap?



Ken

Cause it's good, now

Gimme.



(The other three talk as WES and KEN chase after each other in the background)



Ian

We need to do something.

We can't just leave them like that.



Nabeshin

I say we can. Let's go get something

To eat. I think I've got some ramen at home.



Ranma

Oh no, we've nothing better to

Do, besides the sponsors will be pissed

If we end the chapter early.



Nabeshin

But the ramen…

(Goes to NANASHI stomping up to the cafeteria doors.)



Ranma

Shannon, open up right now.

They're watching some real anime

Shannon, so open up or we'll bust down this

Door.



(No answer. NANASHI tries to ram the door in with their elbows, but it's no use. They grab Ken and use him as a battering ram, but it's still no use.)



Nabeshin

Well no use, let's go.



Ian

Maybe not. This problem simply

Requires a different approach.



Wes

Like what?



(Goes to NANASHI hiding inside a card board box labeled SD GUNDAM DVDS outside

the cafeteria.)



Nabeshin

This is stupid.



Ian

Silence. Stealth is key for this

Operation.



Ranma

Ouch, my foot.

Wes watch where you

Put your foot.



(SHANNON pops his head outside and studies the box.)



Wes

I can't help it. I've

Got Ken's elbow lodged between

My vertebrae.



Ken

That's not my elbow.



(WES busts out of the box and runs down the hallway.)



Wes

I'm unclean!



Ken

What, it's just my waffle iron.

(pulls out a waffle iron)



(RANMA taps KEN on the shoulder and points to SHANNON.)



DAMN IT!



Nabeshin

I've had just about enough of this.



(Goes to SHANNON who is watching anime with the others, then there is a rumble and he looks outside. NABESHIN is leading an army of teenagers.)



Ok, open up Shannon, or else!



Ian

I'm impressed Nabeshin. How were

You able to amass so many people behind our

Cause?



Crowd Member A

He's paying us 3 bucks.



Ranma

Hey, isn't this the same crowd from

The last chapter?



Nabeshin

Maybe.



Ken

(dressed as a pirate)

Come on maties, we'll

Keel hauls the whole lot of them.



Wes

(With two machine guns)

Let's kick @$$.





Shannon

I'll pay you all 5

Bucks to attack him.



Crowd

Deal!



Nabeshin

Ken, Wes, no!



Ken

Roast his gizzard!



(Goes to NANASHI sneaking up to the doors with a small glass cutter. They use it to make a small hole in the door and KEN drops a bomb inside, then they close their eyes and cover their ears. Shannon pops it back out and it explodes, sending them flying)



Ranma

Strange, I remember this

Happening from some where?



(Goes to NANASHI standing outside the school dressed in Arabian clothes and holding machine guns)



Ian

Shannon, we are the ALA,

The Anime Liberation Army!

Open up so we may free those poor

People from that garbage, or else.

(Fires machine gun into the air)



Shannon

Where did you get those guns?



(Goes to D.C. at a stand labeled “AK-47's Cheap”)



Ranma

Don't I need a permit or something

To own this?



D.C.

Permits are for the weak minded.



Wes

Sounds good to me.



Ranma

(Back in present)

Well, are you going to let us in?



(SHANNON blows them a raspberry. They yell and try to fire their guns, but they jam.)



Wes

(Looking down barrel)

Soviet piece

Of strudel.

(Gun fires)

Man that's old.



(Goes to SHANNON standing next to the T.V.)



Shannon

Ok, who wants to watch

Bey Blade?

(hands go up)



(Suddenly a Core busts through the wall, with WES piloting and the others on it's shoulders)



Wes

I totally forgot about this

Thing.



Nabeshin

Wes is the only person I

Know with a real Core.



Ranma

Game's over Shannon.

Now it's time for some real anime.



Shannon

You're too late you fools.

These people are now my

Slaves. And with them, I shall

Form an army of Edited American

Anime watching zombies!



Ken

What chu talking bout.





Shannon

Imbecile, I am Shannon

McGregor, the most powerful

Sorcerer to come out of

Oklahoma in 5000 years!



Ranma

You're from Oklahoma?



Ian

Oklahoma had sorcerers 5000

Years ago?



Shannon

Yes, now behold my servant,

Come forth Baruda!



(A pillar of black light shoots out of the ground and a butterfly pops out of it.)



Meet my companion

Baruda. And with him and

My zombie army, I shall rule the world.



(NABESHIN hops off the core walks over to SHANNON and kicks him in the shin. As he is hopping around, holding his leg, NABESHIN pokes his eyes, and pushes him on the ground.)



Nabeshin

Now get the hell out of here!



Shannon

Ya big bully!

(Runs off.)



(Goes to NANASHI, minus KEN, sitting in bean bag chairs and watching T.V. ASH runs across an arena and gets hit by two energy blasts.)



Wes

You know, Ken was right, this

Is pretty good.



Ian

Rewind it!



(They watch ASH get hit over and over.)



End of Chapter 11



Hurray, I'm doing the preview again. This is Ken, and in the next chapter I find a kick @$$ juicer! Yeah, it's got all the attachments, it's electric, and best of all it can juice an entire melon in less than a minute! And Nabeshin doesn't have one, nya ha ha! But this isn't your average kick @$$ juicer, this one has magical powers, and when Ian accidentally breaks it, he loses all his ninja moves. And it couldn't be at a worse time, cause those accursed Cherry Mountain Ninjas are back, and they're picking a fight.



Next time on Nanashi Kurai Hanashi,



Curse of the Magical Juicer and How Ian Got His Groove Back



Hey, this thing even has a place to put your cup for when the juice comes out!

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