Chapter 6 - 6- In which there is a drastically different alter

Chapter Six- In which there is a drastically different alternate ending, and Mr. Edwards makes an appearance. And so it was, that Gollum did not die, and, since the author rather likes Gollum, and since this is her story anyway, he was not evil, either. And so it was that Gandalf saved everyone on his pretty birdies, and they returned to Minas Tirith in Gondor, which was a total wreck after the orcs laid waste to it. And so it was that everyone had a reunion, and Aragorn was to be crowned king. At the day of his coronation, Tracey was taken by surprise, haven forgotten this part in the book, when Aragorn asked her to marry him. Her whole life in Middle Earth flashed before her eyes. She had been practically in love with him when she read the books and met him, but now she felt differently… "My apologies, your Majesty," she murmured, avoiding his eyes. "But my heart belongs to someone else." She stepped aside dramatically, where Gollum stood, looking as if Christmas had come early. (Remember, Gollum''s not evil anymore. Maybe still a little crazy, but not evil.) Tracey picked him up and kissed his cheek. "I love you, Gollum. Will you marry me?" At this, Aragorn let out a cry of anguish, and scurried away to pout. Other than that, there was total silence as every single attendee of the ceremony stared at her. "Yes, precious, we will, precious!" Gollum cried. As if on cue, the entire crowd started cheering to give it a more moving and dramatic effect. However, at the same time, a ringing voice pierced the mirthful din. "That''s enough, Miss Bosso!" Silence fell for some reason. Theatrically, every one turned to see the source of the voice. It was- guess who?- Vienna. She was no longer in hobbit form. Rather, she was herself, and wearing her usual black-riddled gothic and tortured-artist motif. She stepped forward slowly, looking furious. Tracey braced herself for the incoming storm. Right on cue, it struck. "Miss Bosso, who do you think you are? Don''t you realize you''ve completely altered these people''s entire existence? Don''t you realize that you have no right to change the perfectly acceptable plotline? Don''t you-" "Um, excuse me," Tracey interrupted meekly. "But didn''t you do just that by bringing me here in the first place?" Vienna was silent, her mouth hanging open for several seconds, as if she were trying to figure out an annoying puzzle. Finally, she shrugged. "I guess you''re right. Okay, since we''re here, let''s fix a few other things as well! For starters-" "VIENNA!" boomed a booming voice. Wincing, Vienna turned to see Gandalf standing behind her. She raised an eyebrow, confused. "There''s something different about you, Gandalf," she said finally, after some consideration. "You''re very tall. Taller than usual, I mean. Mr. Edwards, is that you?" "AFFIRMATIVE!" he shouted. "How''d you get here?" Vienna wondered, intrigued. "I don''t know, but before you continue this confusing and senseless plothole-riddled essay of yours, I just want to know one thing- where in blazes is the sport?!" Thinking fast, Vienna mumbled something, looking around. Finally, with a grin, she gestured all around her at the crowd of people. "Behold…" she said loudly. "The race of men!" With a vein bulging on his neck, Mr. Edwards (aka Gandalf) bellowed, "That''s not funny! I want you to tell me right now exactly what the sport in this story was, or you get an F!" Looking up at him innocently, she asked, "Tell me- how do you define ''sport''?" He looked as if he wanted to yell at her some more, but he answered. "A sport is an activity that requires physical effort and exertion, and helps exercise the body!" he yelled, with a tone not unlike a general punishing a lower-ranking officer. "Well," Vienna said with annoying finality, "Traveling to Mordor is more of a sport than any sport, so it counts as a sport!" "I''ll say!" cried Tracey, extending her arm. "Just look at this scar! It came from some wild beast in a perilous jungle, in the dead of night! I nearly died!" "Oh, fine," said Mr. Edwards, and left. "Anyway," Vienna said, raising her eyebrows, "Where were we… oh yes! Alterations to an epic trilogy masterpiece for my own amusement. Let''s see…" And so it was that Vienna proceeded to change everything about "Lord of the Rings" that had bugged her. Pippin and Merry went back to Isengard to hang out with the giant trees and make fun of Saruman. Legolas and Gimli became best friends and had many an adventure. Sam and Frodo went off together to the Grey Havens, and Sam forgot all about Rosie, who Vienna never really liked anyway. Tracey (aka Arwen) decided to stay in Middle Earth and marry Gollum, leaving Aragorn extremely disgruntled. Taking pity on him, Vienna transported a rabid fangirl to the universe and proclaimed that she and Aragorn were to wed. "Yay!!!" squealed the fangirl, while Aragorn sobbed into Legolas'' shoulder, even more disgruntled and now miserable. Vienna also decided to stay in Middle Earth. But what was her destiny there? After some thought, she transported Michael Jackson next to her. Hugging him, she cried, "I love you!! Never ever ever leave me!!!" And so it was that Tolkien was left rolling over in his grave, and everyone lived happily ever after. The En- "Wait a minute!" cried Tracey. "What was the point of all this? And how''d you do it, anyway?" "It makes no sense!" roared Mr. Edwards. "It’s too long, you''re killing your poor teacher!" cackled the fangirl. "How could you do this to me??" wailed Aragorn, trying to free himself from his fiancé''s grip. "What am I doing here?" asked Michael Jackson, thoroughly confused. "Um…" Vienna mumbled, smiling weakly. "Huttah!" she cried, zipping off in a whirl of dust bunnies. A few seconds later, she returned, grabbed Michael by the arm, and dragged him away. THE END

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