Chapter 1 - 123 Ways to Annoy, Anger, and Harras Lord Voldemort!

1. Ask him why he doesn't have such a cool scar?
2. Laugh at him.
3. Wake him up by singing Beach Boys songs in his ear. 'Round, round, get around, I get around...
4. Knit him things. Really hideous things.
5. Give him kangaroo-ears for a month.
6. Smile during Death Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.
7. Chew bubblegum all the time. Make a huge bubble and pop it on his face.
8. Dance the Funky Chicken.
9. Ask him when was the last time he took a bath.
10. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.
11. If you ever need to say Like taking candy from a baby, be sure to add Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others. Stare pointedly at him.
12. Play knock-&-run at his bedchamber door late at night.
13. Call him The-Man-Who-Let-the-Boy-Live.
14. Ask why he never takes his Halloween mask off.
15. Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his.
16. Pinch him. Make sure he squeals.
17. Be cheerful.
18. Tell him that he needs a serious manicure, and a pedicure wouldnt hurt too.
19. Try to teach him to play a mouth organ.
20. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like You're the boss, boss or is it your funeral.
21. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic My sir, you look particularly attractive today.
22. Taunt him about his middle name. Marvolo? What's that - a washing detergent?
23. Keep a good-behaviour chart. Award points and give out gold stars.
24. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.
25. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there...
26. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face and how does he expect to rule supreme without one?
27. Invite him to a teen party and let him surf the crowd.
28. Ask him Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?
29. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give Voldemort a squeaky voices, and Harry a big one.
30. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.
31. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drumroll.
32. Exclaim sarcastically You're breakin my little heart here, O Dark One whenever he starts to talk of what caused him to become who he is.
33. Encourage him to think happy thoughts!
34. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling, and give him a bad grade.
35. Tell him Bush called him a loser.
36. Tell you think a yoga class could cure him of his wicked ways.
37. Get the song You Get the Best of Both Worlds stuck in his head.
38. Tell him there is a roomer going on that youre Harry Potters biggest fan.
39. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.
40. Buy him a stress ball.
41. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.
42. Call him Tommy-boy.
43. If you're feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo.
44. Whack him in the arm and say Mmosquito - every few minutes.
45. Say he looked better under the turban.
46. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.
47. When ever he says something evil say Watch your language grandpa, no need to get cranky!
48. Start drawing outlandish parallels between his life story and Star Wars. Talk at great length.
49. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.
50. Sow him a superman costume and make him ware it one every Death Eater meeting.
51. Shower him with confetti and rice, anytime you think he needs to make a grand entry.
52. Paint all the Death Eater masks with bright colors and glitter.
53. Throw him a Carebears-themed birthday party.
54. Tell him what Snape's really up to.
55. Politely exclaim now and again that you don't know how he can be so afraid of dear old Dumbles.
56. Sing California Dreamin at the top of your lungs when he's trying to have an evil moment.
57. If you should ever be eating with him - drum tunes with your cutlery, play with your food and blow bubbles in your chocolate milk.
58. Ask him to dance a polka with you.
59. Work cutesy phrases like pushing-up-daisies and smooth-as-a-baby's-bottom into conversation as much as possible.
60. Ask him if he's sure the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?
61. Get him to play Twister with you.
62. Tell him you know this great therapist in London....
63. TP his lair.
64. Tell him you've met muggles more evil than he.
65. Hide his teddy bear. That ALWAYS makes him cry.
66. Get him a plant. Act mortally offended when he doesn't water it and it dies.
67. Steal, snap and bury his wand.
68. Tell him Lucius did it.
69. Give Rita Skeeter full knowledge of his whereabouts and contact details.
70. Remind him that he isn't even really alive.
71. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.
72. Offer to sacrifice Draco Malfoy for a rotten duck and say At least it smells better that him.
73. Insist on reading him bedtime stories. Include The Ugly Duckling.
74. Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his son.
75. When he's done something particularly nasty - cross your arms, waggle a finger and say Now now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?
76. Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of that sweet, innocent, cute little boy.
77. Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him.
78. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
79. Leave disgusting and rotting dead things near him.
80. Begin any question you ask him with Riddle me this ! Emphasis on Riddle.
81. Do not EVER act in the slightest way intimidated by him. Treat him as you would a discussing bacteria.
82. Cuddle him at random moments.
83. Stare at him for a long time and say  have you ever thought about being Hannah Montana.
84. Ask him why he's afraid of a frail old man with a beard the size of a beehive and can't fight babies.
85. Throw biscuits at him. Constantly.
86. Tell him you think evil master plans of world domination are kind of girlie.
87. On Halloween, make him put on a princess dress and go trick or treating with him.
88. Wonder aloud whether the name Voldemort commands as much respect as, say, Potter or Dumbledore.
89. Mimic everything he says in a opera sing-song voice.
90. Mimic everything he does with exaggerated limb-movements.
91. Write sonnets for him.
92. Insist he help you with the newspaper crossword and eat pan cakes and bacon shaped like a smiling face every morning.
93. Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with a can of disinfectant.
94. Tell people he's really just a big softie.
95. Spread roomers about him. Conclude that he is mildy depressed and a bit of a control-freak.
96. Mock his baldness.
97. Smile and say loudly Arent you supposed too be in bed Baldy Voldy? In a sweet voice during his evil moments.
98. Get him drunk.
99. Throw tomatoes at him.
100. Let him Death Eater robes are so last month.
101. Be Harry Potter. Be alive.
102. As he's plotting dark deeds, pretend to cough and mutter things like Not gonna work, or a baby can do better.
103. Call him Bud, BFF, or Bald Head
104. Three words: Potter Puppet Pals.
105. Ask him where he gets his garlic-scented soap.
106. Ask him to dye Easter eggs and put on a bunny suit with you.
107. ..at Christmas.
108. Make him dance in the rain with you.
109. When he gives you an order tell him,  Awwww, you have a kind heart
110. "Accidentally" schedule him a him a haircut.
111. ..even though he's bald, his legs need a little shaving.
112. Be offended by everything he says.
113. When he gives you an order, ask him would you like fries with that?
114. Invite him to go shoe shopping
115. Kill Harry.
116. On the next Valentine's Day, decorate his lair.
117. ..make sure the decorations are pink and cuddly.
118. Tell him that getting the same plastic surgeon as Michael Jackson was definitely a bad idea.
119. Paint his fingernails hot pink while he's sleeping, then place a permanent sticking charm on them so he can't remove the color.
120. Whenever you look at him cover your eyes with your hands and scream "IT BURNS!!!"
121. Bake him scar shaped cookies, but insist it wasn't purposeful.
122. Trade his black robes in for pink pajamas.
123. Insist that it's opposite day and paint a lightning bolt on his forehead.

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