Chapter 2 - How?

How?

How could this happen?

How could you leave me? Where did you go? What happened?

You were just here a moment ago. You were here yesterday with me. How did this happen? How did leave me? I don't understand. After all you've done for me. . . How could you leave?

You were always here, right here. By my side. You held me. . . You talked to me. You gave me so much. But now you're gone. . . How could you leave?

"Akira. . ." I say your name.

But you don't answer.

Akira, where did you go? How could this happen? You said you'd always come back. But not today. Not tonight. Never again. You will never hold me again, will you? I will never be able to hold you hand again. Never again will I see you. I will never heal you bruises again. I won't be able to protect anymore. I cannot fend off your stepfather any longer. All because you will never return.

How long has it been, Akira? Since you first held me? Since I first held your hand? Since you began to heal me? I know it has been years. I know time has passed. I just do not know how much. I don't want to.

You found me here, and you never left. I can remember you. That small little girl. You found me so long ago. You never let go. You were so small, Akira. Your hand was so fragile. You seemed so cold that night. I'm sorry I didn't see that.

I'm sorry I didn't see you for what you were, a scared little girl. Afraid of her stepfather beating her. I didn't see that. I only saw a human.

It had been so long since my defeat when you found me. Years went by, but they only seemed like days. I was alone, beaten, only left by myself. I wanted to die. I didn't want these memories haunting me. But I had already died. Yet there was, alive. I was Smith. I am Smith. I should have won. I should have killed him. But instead I had fallen. I had lost. I never bothered to move after that. So there I stayed. Lying on the floor. Only being plagued his face. He had won. And he left me there.

Emotions. I've always rejected them. And even as I laid there, I didn't realize my pain. I didn't want to. I never would have without you.

I didn't understand. I hated it really. A lonely little girl did not run from me. You did not fear me. I was Smith. I nearly killed you all. I was so close. It could have been mine! And now, I couldn't even scare a little child.

The Feared Agent Smith was no more. . .

There was no purpose left in me. There was no strength. There was nothing. And there was nothing when I fell asleep. I didn't dream. I only saw darkness. And you were all I saw the next day.

How could you leave me?

You came back every single day. You brought things from your world. I only rejected them. I didn't want them. I didn't want anything from your kind.

I threatened you. I wanted you to leave me alone. I didn't want you filth to infect me anymore. But you were only helping me weren't you? I never saw that. I never wanted to.

You gave me books, I only put them in the corner. I didn't want to know about what you humans thought of me, or Mr. Anderson. They were only your thoughts. I was there. I know what it was. Your theories meant nothing to me. But you know, I read them when you were gone. . .

Remember you told me stories? The stories about me? What your people thought of me? I liked hearing those stories. It reminded me that I was the one that was in those stories. I made you fear me. All of you. But then you'd say that wasn't me. You know you were right. . .

You always seemed to try and help me. Try and give me food. Try and tell me of your world. Try and say you're sorry. But I never listened. I never said thank you. . .

You'd make me tell you of my past. How I became the Virus, how I was freed. I'd turn away from you sometimes. Do you know why? It hurt. It hurt to say I came so close, and failed. All I had to do was kill him. I knew I could have won. I saw it. But I only saw what I wanted. Akira. . . It hurt. It hurt to know he won. He killed me again. . . It hurt to recall. Because I only recalled the pain. I remembered screaming. . . Trying to hold my code together, but the pain too great. I can remember that night so well. . . The rain poured from the Matrix sky. Green lighting brought little light. My copies surrounded me. Giving me secret protection. Reassuring me I could win. There was only hatred in my voice that night. . .

"Why, Mr. Anderson? Why? Why?"

Sometimes I yelled his name when you weren't there. I couldn't let go, Akira. I couldn't forget his name. I feared if I did I would forget. I would forget who I was, and what he did to me. I yell his name. Calling him to come back, finish what he did. Either kill me, or die. But of course, he never came. It was just a small wish from a broken part of me. A part of me I wanted to forget, but never would.

I don't understand why you stayed. I never accepted anything from you. I barely talked to you, or look at you. I did nothing. But I guess, I did do something. . . Because you always came back. No matter how much I yelled. That is when I came to get use to you.

Remember you used to cry? You used to come to me, run to me. Run away from your world to me. You'd work your way into my arms, and cry on my shoulder. I'm sorry I never understood the sadness of tears, the pain. I didn't understand how hard your world was to make you cry. I only knew that I should hold you. I let you cry on my shoulder. We'd sit in the corner, my arms around you, and your head rested. Do you remember that? Sometimes you'd fall asleep in my arms. And I would have to hold you until morning. I never understood your pain. I'm sorry.

Sometimes you'd say you were alone. You had nothing, just like me. Sometimes you cried because of your bruises. . . You'd never tell me where you got them from for a while. Remember?

You never told me, until I smiled at you for the first time. I don't recall what I was smiling about. But I did. I didn't really deny that smile either. You laughed, and hugged me. But I quickly left your hug. You didn't feel hurt, I think you expected that.

You were different from them Akira. . . You reminded me sometimes of myself. You cried, like I did once. I never told that. But I cried. And then I realized your pain.

You'd come to me, bruises on your arms. Your stepfather hit you. Remember I use to make the pain go away? I'd heal your bruises. I'd heal your tears. I didn't even really mean to. I just did.

And then I made sure not to forget your birthdays. I know that those are very important to humans.

Then there were others days you'd ask me things. Things that hurt. You once tried to tear my jacket off. I screamed at you. I never took my suit off. Never. Just like his name, it reminded me of what I was. Who I was. Who I am. I was never going to forget that.

Then that day came. The day I will never forget. The day it ended, and something greater began.

You held me. . .

And I held your hand. . .

You told me what it was like. I listened. Do you remember that day? I don't doubt that you do. It was day my wounds, as you said, began to heal. My past would be left in the past. And you helped my future.

You weren't a little girl anymore. . . You were grew so beautifully. I can picture you now.

Remember the first day I left that place? My so called home? Remember you pushed me out the door? You took off my jacket, and my tie. You said I wouldn't look so weird then. And I got to see the Matrix for the first time in over fifty years. I can remember the smells. The sounds. No one recognized Agent Smith. I suppose that was expected.

I can remember the day you told me about his return. I did not show anger. I did not show you anything. I didn't want to show you that, you didn't deserve more pain. You said Mr. Anderson returned, but you said Neo. . . That night, I screamed, I punched a hole in the wall. . . Then I just fell to my knees. I think I fell asleep from the pain. . . I dreamed of that night again, Akira. . . I relived my pain again. . .I'm sorry, I can't let go!

If I let go, if I call him Neo, if I take this suit off . . All that will be gone. All that ever happened will be gone. . . I can't do that. . . I can't. I'm sorry.

I woke up and you were in my arms. You must have come to me, during the night.

Do you remember? You told me I was screaming in my sleep. I was shaking. I was crying. . .

I turned away from you, and you only pulled me back. You wanted no more. No more turning, you wanted me to look at you.

Then you took my sunglasses off. . .

Why did you stare at me?

"Everything is going to be okay. . ." You said that.

But it isn't okay anymore. . .

Then you got up, and I stayed on the floor. I didn't move. You gently took off my jacket. . . My tie. . . And you rested on my shoulder.

"I promise."

You promised me, Akira. You promised!

Then we left that place. We went out into the world, and you held my hand, as we walked in the park. Children laughed and played, and I only stared, unbelieving.

I never listened to children play. I never listened. I never heard that sound before. . . I only heard the voice of Mr. Anderson. . . And the rain.

But now. . .Everything seemed so nice. We got ice-cream that day. Remember I got a brain freeze, but I still like the food. You laughed, as I tried eating it for the first time. I miss your laughs.

You started coming to me with things you never brought before. You brought your music, and your CD player. Remember, I liked techno, and you liked rock.

Then you brought your drawings. . . They were beautiful, Akira. They were of me. . . Almost all of them. They were so perfect. They were so detailed. . . You got my hair just right, and I smiled. You said you had been drawing these since you met me. You gave me some that you drew back then. It showed me in a corner, sitting, my head down, and you. This little girl stood across the room. You didn't show our faces. They were darkened. You made it seem so sad. Then your other ones. . . The one where I'm smiling. I'm smirking at you, like I just said something witting. I like that one. And the one where my suit is torn. My arms are bleeding. . . And the one where I'm back to back with Mr. Anderson. I like that one too. You laughed and handed me more and more. I smiled at you.

Then you said you wanted to draw me without my sunglasses. I paused, and looked down at the drawings. Yes, in all I had my shades. Then I look to you, and you gently came up to me. You took them off, and you stared at me. I stared at you. You said I had beautiful blue eyes. . . I loved your brown eyes. . .

I asked you how I should pose, you laughed, and said just stay still. So I did. I sat across from you, my legs spread apart, and my arms on my lap. You smiled, and finished. It was the most beautiful thing I had seen.

You said you had posted these drawings on the internet. But no one liked them because they were drawings of me. You looked down, and I leaned closer to you. You seemed so hurt. You seemed like you had fallen, and not gotten up. I was the same way. I wanted to help you. I wanted to heal you, like you had tried with me.

Do you remember when I kissed you?

How could you leave?

Remember when I shook Neo's hand? A couple years later. He was still a young person, only about fifteen. He wore a cloak still. Remember? His parents were killed, and he lived with the son of Morpheus and Niobi. I forget his name, but he was as old as you. Remember you said you had pulled some strings to get there. And there I stood. The boy that would become The One. I could have killed him. I could have choked him to death. I could have worn a suit. But I didn't. We stood in his house, and I shook his hand. I called him Neo.

You told him who I was. He said he knew, he could see it in my code. The boy didn't seemed surprised, or scared. He seemed understanding. He showed me no emotion, just like before. . .

I remember you were proud of me. You told me, and kissed me. I smiled at you. That night was beautiful. I never wanted it to end.

How could you leave that behind?

Then we did it. You came to me, and pulled off my jacket, and tie. You threw away my sunglasses, I only stared at you, not understanding. Then you took my hand. We left that place that day. We would never go back.

We went to your house. Your artwork was hung on the walls. Only a couple of me. More of Neo, and the world. More of the final battle I had told you about. And more of the aftermath. More of the renewing world.

You made me something to eat, and said you had some shirts I could wear if I felt like it. Remember I stared at you and smiled. You asked me what, and I grinned. Then we ran to be alone.

You healed me.

Now you made a whole new wound. How could you leave?

I liked staying with you, and you laughed at what I said. You said I still sounded like an Agent.

Remember we saw the Oracle? She smiled as she saw us. She gave us cookies, and told me good things. Things that came true.

Then your stepfather came. He was drunk, and asking for money. You screamed, as he busted in. He punched you. And I protected you. . . Remember, I held you. I held you. He struggled, as I grabbed him. He punched me, and I resisted to punch him back. I could have killed him.

Then people took him away.

How could you leave?

You cried that night, I cried with you.

Our lives began to heal, Akira. We were okay. Everything was fine. Everything was perfection. Everything had a purpose.

We were together. You healed me, and I healed you.

We watched Neo grow up, and marry Trinity. We watched them have children. Neo made me a godfather.

Remember?

Remember!?

How could you leave!?

You promised!

Where are you now? Where did you go? Why did you leave me!?

"Akira!" I yell.

I had to get away. I couldn't find you. I couldn't hold you anymore. You just weren't there! I had to find you!

So here I am now. Back to place I was long ago. Back to where you found me. Will you find me again? Will you come back to me here? Will you come to the place where you first saw me?

I run into the moonlight of the broken window, I fall to my knees.

How could you leave me?

At my knees I see them. My jacket, and tie I left long ago. The life I forgot, right here. I pick them up, they're dirty with dust, and are wearing away. I stare at them, my hands shaking. And I throw them into the darkness.

"Akira!"

Where are you!?

Come back! Akira!

You found me here, right here! Now find me again!

Please. . .

"Akira!"

How could you leave me!?

How could you leave all this behind!?

You said you'd always come back. You promised everything would be okay. You did all this! How could this happen!?

You love me! I love you! How could you leave me!?

Why won't you answer me? How could you leave me? How could you?

How could you die?

Years have gone by, Akira. Years and years. Humans age. Humans die. Don't do this to me, please. . .

My tears fall to the ground.

You died last night, you left me. And you're not coming back. You broke your promise! Akira! Come back!

My wounds are now reopened, and I bleed again.

Humans age. Humans die.

Humans die. Agents. Viruses. Programs don't.

I can't let go, Akira! I can't forget! I won't loose myself, again. This is me, Akira. Me. Me is with you. Akira come back. . . Please. I'm nothing now. . . I died with you. . . You took me with you, and left me here. I'm alone again. Akira, I don't want to be alone. Not again! Not again! Please! Come back. . .

You told me you'd always come back. You promised me. You held me. You kissed me. You healed me. You told me you love me. I told you I loved you too.

I was going to protect you forever. I was going to let you cry on my shoulder, and you were going to let me cry. You were going to teach me more. I was going to tell you more. We were going to go see Neo tomorrow. We were going to watch his children.

We were going to do so much. We were just beginning. My love just starting. My wounds now healed. But. . .

I fall to the ground. I don't want to get up. I don't want to leave. I won't leave. Never again. Not until you come back.

"Akira. . . I love you."

But you don't answer.

How could this happen?

How could you leave me?

How could I let you go?

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