Chapter 1 - I HATE MCDONALDS

The, erm, Nameless Random Show!

[ ] = crossed-out writing

Itachi: (cleans fingernails idly)
TTfan1: What? We’re on? We are on, aren’t we?
Itachi: Dunno. T_T
TTfan1: Yes! See, the camera man’s giving us the ‘hurry up and DO something’ signal! *points*
Itachi: So he is. (sits up)
TTfan1: *HISS* SAY SOMETHING!
Itachi: Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-That’s all, folks! ^^
TTfan1: … T_T
Itachi: What? >:
TTfan1: Okay, so we’ve finished the first segment of our program. For those of you who started watching after the break, we—
Itachi: Potatoes.
TTfan1: …
Itachi: She’s finally quiet!! XDD
TTfan1: …That’s right! We were discussing the fine line between good and evil, weren’t we, Itachi? Hmm?
Itachi: Yes, we were. -__-;
TTfan1: See, “good” people THINK they’re doing the “right thing”. Which they “are”. ^_^ But “EVIL” people like us ALSO say they’re doing the “right thing”. Which we ARE!
Itachi: Indeed. (nods) Do you have anything else to say?
TTfan1: No, go ahead and take it away.
Itachi: Thank you, Tora! In addition to a lecture, I’ve also prepared a PowerPoint presentation on the subject! (whips out pointer and pulls down screen)

*projector turns on and lights flick off)

Screen: ITACHI-SAMA’S VIEWS ON THE WORLD. A STORY.
TTfan1: …
Itachi: Let’s begin!! Wh-

THIS IS A SPECIAL BULLETIN REPORT.

AN ARMED ROBBERY HAS UST TAKEN PLACE DOWNTOWN.

THE SUSPECT, NINETEEN-YEAR-OLD NARUTO UZUMAKI, IS ARMED AND CONSIDERED HIGHLY DANGEROUS.

POLICE SAY THAT HE IS HEADED SOUTHEAST DOWN I-95 SOUTH IN A BRIGHT ORANGE SCHMOOZEMOBILE WITH QUITE A LARGE AMOUNT OF EXHAUST LEAKING OUT OF HIS TAILPIPE.

IF YOU SEE HIM, DO NOT CONFRONT HIM. CALL THE POLICE IMMEDIATELY AND KEEP YOUR DISTANCE.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION. ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR DAY.

This special bulletin report brought to you by Geico! Save 60-70% on your car insurance!!

Itachi: -And that’s the end of my presentation!! Did you enjoy it?! (folds pointer and pulls up screen)
Projector: (turns off)
Audience: Trust us, it was nothing special.
Sasuke: (snores in the middle row)
Itachi: SASUKE!! >:
Sasuke: *wakes up noisily* HAH! O_O;;
TTfan1: Frickin’ insomniac. T_T
Sasuke: *stand up and shakes fist* I don’t have insomnia!! I just choose to stay up all night with Raphael!
Raphael: (files nails) That’s right.
Sasuke: Ooh, is that the SCENTED one?!
Raphael: Yup! ^_^ (holds file out)
Sasuke: (sniffs it eagerly) Apples!
TTfan1: SIT DOWN!
Sasuke: (sits down meekly) …
TTfan1: *huff* Anyway. Where were we?
Itachi: I don’t know. Wanna do something random?
TTfan1: Kind of.
Itachi: Okay then! (pulls off shoe) Now, everybody in the audience write their name on a piece of paper, fold it up and stick it in my shoe! Two names will be randomly drawn for an overnight stay in a locked candlelit room with Naruto! Plus a free bottle of Snapple Antioxidant Water!!
Audience: Ooh!! +_+
TTfan1: Don’t we need permission for this?
Itachi: No. >_>;;
TTfan1: And is your shoe REALLY big enough to fit ALL those people’s names in there? (gestures at audience)
Itachi: It WOULDN’T be, unless I didn’t put an imaginary jutsu on it that makes it bottomless! And unless my feet weren’t freakishly large!
TTfan1: But then we can’t get the papers out!
Itachi: Well, NEARLY bottomless! STOP PESTERING ME!!! (throws shoe into audience)
Audience: (fights over shoe)
TTfan1: Ew, your feet smell!
Itachi: Would you like a closer look, toots? (balances on chair and shoves foot into TTfan1’s face)
TTfan1: (turns green)
Itachi: In fact, I think I’ll take the other one off, too!! (pulls it off and tosses it to other side of audience)
TTfan1: Good idea!! One name from each shoe!
Itachi: No, I just felt like airing my feet out. U_U
TTfan1: …
Naruto: (runs onto stage) If the fuzz show up, I WAS NEVER HERE. (starts to run off again)
Itachi: (catches him by the arm) T_T
Naruto: Hey! >:
Sasuke: (stands up again) Hey!!! HEY!!! Naruto-kun!!! YOOOOHOOOOO!!! XDD
Naruto: Oh, God. Not you.
Raphael: (stands up too) Me too, Sunshine!!
Naruto: shoot! ><
Sasuke: Why don’t we just skip this whole intro and lock OURSELVES in a dark room?!! I’ll treat you gentle!! X)
Raphael: We’ll have a threesome!! 
Naruto: NEVER!
Sasuke: Aw, come on, baby, don’t be shy! X3
Raphael: You know we’ll switch out who’s on top of who! :D
Naruto: I HATE YOU BOTH!!!!!! >:
Sasuke: And that’s what makes you so SEXY, love.
Itachi: SIT DOWN!!!! >:
Sasuke + Raphael: (sit down meekly) … >_>;
TTfan1: Gawd! P_P;
Naruto: (to Itachi) And YOU! Let me go!
Itachi: (chains Naruto to table)
Naruto: WTF?!
TTfan1: FAQ time. V_V
Itachi: Can I do them? +_+
TTfan1: Okay! (gives him cards)
Itachi: First up is for Fluffy.
Sesshomaru: DON’T CALL ME THAT! (in front row)
Itachi: (reads off card) “Are you really a woman or are you just a stripper with too much makeup on?”
TTfan1: (puts up hand) Uh… You don’t have to answer that. >_>;
Sesshomaru: Didn’t plan on it.
Itachi: (flips card over) “What are you planning to do with Rin? Will you make her a slave when she turns sixteen? Or barbecue her in a week when she’s nice and nubile and ripe?”
Sesshomaru: …
TTfan1: See, you have to answer that one.
Sesshomaru: No comment.
Itachi: Okay, now you, Sakura. How does it feel to be in love with a man who doesn’t even like you, let alone have the same gender preference?
Sakura: (in back) I dunno. Okay, I guess.
Itachi: Really?
Sakura: …No.
Itachi: Thought so. T_T
Sakura: I cry every day.
Itachi: That’s nice. All right, now—
Sakura: All he cares about is sleeping with Naruto!!!
Itachi: That’s enough.
Sakura: WHY CAN’T HE TRY TO SCREW ME?!! WHY, DAMMIT, WHY?!!! (bangs head on seat in front)
Lee: But I tried to do you once and you beat the living daylights outta me!
Sakura: That’s because you’re GROSS!! >:
Itachi: SHUT UP!
TTfan1: (takes cards) Let me do that now.
Itachi: Fine. (huffs over to armchair and sits down) …Dammit, I stepped on a tack!
TTfan1: (reads from card) This is to all of you fans of out there. “Do you think that Itachi is [a damned sexy bishie that all fangirls deserve to] a relatively attractive bishounen character that many well-disciplined [broads] ladies may or may not find sexually appealing?”
Itachi: (acts innocent) *whistles*
TTfan1: Wait a minute, this looks like your handwriting, Itachi!
Itachi: Does it really?
TTfan1: Yes, really! >:
Itachi: Oh, my. How embarrassing… Well, since it’s on there, and has already been asked… *throws hand in air* RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU FIND ME SEXY!!! XDD
Audience: (women cheer and do the Wave)
Sasuke: (stands up again) Well, MAYBE YOU ALL think so, but Naruto-kun is DEFINITELY the sexiest man ALIVE. U_U
Raphael: (joins Sasuke) Doesn’t he just turn you ON?!
Sasuke: Oh, HELL yes.
Raphael: But yet he just… doesn’t accept our love, baby!
Sasuke: (starts singing loudly) I don’t wanna run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand!!
Raphael: If I’m not-a MADE for you then WHY does my heart TELL me that I am?!!!
Sasuke: Is there any way that I could STAYYYYYYY in your ARRRRRRRRMSSSS?!!
Itachi + TTfan1: SHUT UP!!!
Raphael + Sasuke: (sit down meekly)
TTfan1: Thanks to you two clowns, we just used up all our air time!! >:
Itachi: Back after these commercial messages!!! *waves*

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