Chapter 5 - Lesson 5 - Exciting! Meeting the Family

Happy Lesson - Extra Credit
By The S

Lesson 5 - Exciting! Meeting the Family

Acting purely on reflex, Hantou hopped backwards out of the katana's range and placed his left foot on the side of the blade, guiding it quickly to the ground. Still placing pressure on the sword so that his assailant could not attack him again, Hantou eased into a shotokan stance, ready for the next move.

"Mama Yayoi!" Minazuki squealed, hopping down off of Hantou's back and hugging the attacker. The sword's owner was a woman with long, flowing brown hair who was wearing a white-and-red shinto priestess' kimono. She dropped the katana while she hugged the red-headed girl in return.

"Wha?" Hantou gasped. "This is your MOTHER? She almost killed me!"

"I do apologize." Yayoi bowed deeply. "Kisaragi's security system designated an unknown presence accompanying Hazuki and Minazuki. We thought you might have been a stalker."
"Did you say Kisa..."

Hazuki took a step forward and put a hand on Hantou's shoulder, interrupting him. "This is Hantou Minamoto. My boyfriend."

"Hazuki's got a boy toy, eh? Lemme see how strong he is!"

"Huh?" Hantou said, looking around in confusion. "Where'd that voice come from?"

From inside the house, a woman with short-cropped blue hair, a white t-shirt, and black shorts came running toward him at the speed of sound. From out of nowhere, she pulled out a giant barbell and tossed it to Hantou without effort. Hantou caught it above his head, and realized that the barbell was extremely heavy - much heavier than he was used to lifting. However, he was still able to hold it with minimal strain.

"What... how much is this?" Hantou grunted.
The blue-haired woman laughed. "Hey, you ARE pretty strong. That's five-hundred!"
"No way!" Hantou protested. "Five-hundred pounds?"
"Yeah," she responded, easily taking the weight from him. "Not too shabby."
Hazuki giggled. "Leave him alone, Mama Satsuki. He's probably jet-lagged."
"MAMA?" Hantou yelled. "She is your mother, too? Holy crap, how many do you have?"

Without warning, Hantou felt something strange on his body. He looked down and saw he was wearing a girl's school uniform.
"WHAT THE HELL?!?"
A short, blonde girl with a similar outfit stood next to him. She began dancing back and forth."How, you're such a pretty Sailor Scout! You can be Mars! I'll be Moon!"
"Mars? Moon? Sailor Scouts? I don't think I wanna be a part of this!" He tore off the uniform. Underneath, was a tuxedo. The short girl threw a mask and top hat at him. "Fine. Then you can be Tuxedo Kamen!"
Hantou put the mask and hat on. In a much deeper voice than his own, he said "Yes, this is much better!"
Hazuki gave him a quizzical look. "Uh, Hantou, what exactly are you doing?"
Hantou turned toward her. "Hey, if I'm going to be spending time with these nutballs, I might as well make the most of it!" He turned back toward the girl. "I am Tuxedo Hantou! Now what are you again, little girl?"
Hazuki interrupted the girl. "Um... actually, that's Mama Uzuki."
"Mama? She looks younger than me! How can she be your mother?"

Before any answer could be given, a large tray of food was thrust into his face. "Please, take some," said the brown haired woman with glasses and a french maid's outfit, who was holding the tray. "You must be famished from your trip."
"Lemme guess. This is one of your moms, as well?"
Hazuki had ignored Hantou's question. Instead, she was scarfing down the food. "Thank you very much, Mama Mutsuki."
"Actually," said Mutsuki, "This was for him." She pointed at Hantou.
"Oh, sorry. Here, then." Hazuki held out the remaining food for Hantou. It was very little - not even enough for Hantou to consider a small snack. "Thanks, honey..." Hantou said sarcastically.

Just as he was about to eat the minute portion of food, a trap door opened near Hantou's feet, and a purple-haired woman with a lab coat popped out. "Oh, hi there."
"KISARAGI?" Hantou yelled.
Hazuki was puzzled. "You know her?"
Hantou turned toward Hazuki. "KNOW her? She's my HALF-SISTER!"
"Hi, Hantou," Kisaragi said, in her usual, soft-spoken voice. "I haven't seen you since you left for America, exactly six years, seven months, ten days, thirty-two minutes, and eleven seconds ago."
"You've been keeping track of exactly how long I've been gone?"
Kisaragi nodded. "Mmm-hmm. I missed my little brother." She gave a little smile.

Hantou recalled the day that he had met Kisaragi. His father had begun dating Kisaragi's mother, and she had brought Kisaragi over to play with him one day. He was merely four at that time, and Kisaragi was ten. They got along quite well back then, but as Hantou got older, he realized just how strange she was.

"I suppose she's your mother, too?" Hantou said.
Hazuki nodded.
"Okay, this is just way beyond bizarre! You have what, FIVE mothers now?"
"Yep. Five of 'em."
"And one of them is my half-sister Kisaragi. That means I'm dating my own niece?"
"None of them are my real mothers. Remember, I grew up in an orphanage. We just consider each other mothers and daughter because they adopted Chitose."
"That makes a bit more sense. But at the same time, it's totally insane! These five women adopted one boy?"
"We're also his teachers," stated Kisaragi.
"Teachers? Oh, man, this is definately weird..."
Hazuki appeared hurt. "Does this mean... you don't like me anymore? On account of my family?"
Hantou grabbed Hazuki's hand between both of his. "Hazuki, nothing could be further from the truth. I love you. It'll just take me some getting used to all these weirdos." He turned toward his half-sister. "And you're the weirdest of anyone, Kisaragi. I know from experience!"
Kisaragi grinned.

"Hey! Can you keep it down! I'm SICK here!"
"The Hell was that?" Hantou asked, cautiously picking up Yayoi's katana.
"That was Chitose," Yayoi answered, taking her sword from Hantou and resheathing it. "Hazuki, did you bring the medicine?"
"Oh, damn, I forgot," said Hazuki, slapping her forehead.
"I've got some," Hantou said. "I had it in my suitcase, but I remembered your brother was sick, and slipped it in my pocket." He walked over to the couch, where a black-haired teenager was lying in a sleeping bag zipped all the way up.
"So you're Hantou," Chitose said.
"Indeed. Nice to meet you, Chitose."
"I'd shake your hand or bow, but Mama Yayoi's got me wrapped up like a mummy. I can't even move."
Hantou took out some medication from his back pocket. "Here then, lad. Take some of this, and you'll feel better."
"Did that stuff touch your butt?" Chitose complained.
"It was in my pocket. But then again, I did have beans before I left."
"ARE YOU INSANE? I'M NOT TAKING ANYTHING THAT HAS BEEN MARINATED IN YOUR GAS!"
"Calm down, kid. I'm kidding. I had Chinese for breakfast. Now lie still and open wide, or I'll pour this whole bottle down your throat."
"But gluggodojdogo!" Chitose attempted to continue complaining, but Hantou had shoved the medication into his mouth. Hantou turned toward Hazuki and the others. "Jeez, he sure is a whiner, isn't he?"
"Yep. That's our Chitose!" Satsuki said. "We're so proud of him!"

An hour later, the eight of them were eating dinner. Chitose was feeling much better, but still just picked at his food. Hazuki and Hantou devoured an excessive amount of the food, consuming nearly fifty-five pounds between them. They were still hungry after they ate all of the food, as they were not planning to have another guest, let alone one that ate nearly as much as Hazuki. Uzuki and Satsuki got into a food fight over something as trivial as pronounciation of a word, and began throwing their food at each other. Hantou grabbed most of the airborne food and shared it between himself and Hazuki. The two bickering moms stopped when they decided that it wasn't any fun since much of their ammo wasn't hitting their targets. Chitose began complaining how nuts his family was, when Hantou slapped a strip of duct tape on his mouth. Chitose removed the duct tape and began shouting at him.

"What gives you the right to shut me up? You're not even family!"
"Of course I am, Chii. Kisaragi's my sister, so I'm your uncle. Plus I'm dating Hazuki, so I'm sort of your brother, too!"
"That just proves how screwed up my family is! My uncle is dating my sister, and it's not at all considered incest! And don't ever call me Chii again! Only Hazuki can call me that!"
"Oh, calm down. I told him he can call you that," Hazuki said. "And if you don't like it, tough."
"Yeah, if you don't cooperate, I'll just have Kisaragi do some weird experiment on you."
Kisaragi, who a mere second ago was sitting at an empty apple box that was her makeshift table, suddenly popped out of the ceiling above Chitose with an electrode in her hand. "You called, Hantou?"
"OKAY, OKAY!" Chitose yelled. "You can call me Chii! Just get her electrode away from me!"
Kisaragi dropped the electrode on Chitose. "Oops."
Seconds later, 10,000 volts of electricity coursed through Chitose's body, sending him flying through the air and forcing him into the wall behind him.

The entire family rushed over to Chitose's unconcious body. "Is he dead?" Hantou asked, poking Chitose in the side with a finger.
"I don't think so," Satsuki said. "Chitose's survived every one of Kisaragi's bizarro experiments and contraptions. This was actually mild compared to some of the stuff she cooks up!"
"Chitose!" Minazuki cried, wrapping her arms around her brother. Chitose merely moaned in pain.

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