Chapter 1 - CHUCK NORRIS!!!!

It was a quiet day...a pretty much average one. Birds were chirping, squirrals (those DAMN squirrals!) were acting normal (yet suspicious!!), and the flying hippos were doing just fine.

Flying hippo: "Maaaaaaa."

But this would not be a normal day....Chuck Norris was about!!! Oh, wait, that's normal too.

Chuck Norris: "My Chuck-senses are tingling!"

His beard quivered a little. Then, his cell phone went off.

Chuck Norris: "My cell phone!" *picks up and answers* "Damn! It's still not working....oh well. I have alternate means of communication."

All of a sudden, Chuck Norris' beard began to pick up the cell phone's signal and transmitted them into audible sound (we all know he can do that, right?).

Weresheep (it's me again. My voice is coming out of his beard): "Chuck Norris! We have a situation!!"

Chuck Norris: "A disturbance? I already know! Piconjo is on the loose again?"

Weresheep: "How did you know?"

Chuck Norris: "I always know the EXACT location of Carmin Sandiago. I also know the gay Piconjo's location, too!"

Weresheep: "He's at-"

Chuck Norris: "His apartment making fun out of Legendary Frog again by submitting gay movies that were seemingly made by Joseph Blanchette (Joseph IS Legendary Frog, just so you know). I'm on my way."

He ran off at the speed of sound, even faster then some others I could name. He's Chuck Norris: The most powerful man in the UNIVERSE!!!! And most powerful THING in the Universe, at that. He went at 367 mph. without a car.

Meanwhile, RAI_man and Bignut (two of my best friends) were driving down the lane. Bignut was driving, with RAI_man in the passanger seat, being a black fox and all. He had two tails, too. And he usually wore a hood, which he did now, and had some white fur on his frontside-chest area that extended to his waist. Bignut was basically just a fat guy wearing green clothes (a robe, a shirt under that robe, pants, shoes, etc.) except his Cubs hat, which was backwards.

Bignut: "Do you hear something?"

RAI_man: "Well no frickin' duh! I have fox ears! Of course I can hear....CHUCK NORRIS!!! HIT THE BRAKES!!!!"

Bignut: "Crap!!!" *hits the brakes*

The got cut off by Chuck Norris. He sped past them easily towards Piconjo's gay apartment.

RAI_man: "That was close."

Bignut: "We'd better thank our lucky stars it wasn't the other way around."

Before long, he had reached Piconjo's evil (and gay, don't forget gay) lair.

Piconjo: "I hav joo now, Chuck Norris! For I am making a gay movie that has joo in it! HA HA HA HA HA!!!! TAKE THIS!!!!! <3"

Piconjo usually types like that. No, really, he does and that pisses me off. Don't go with Piconjo.

Chuck Norris: "Hah!! The day I have sex with a man will not be because I am gay, but because I will be out of WOMEN!!!"

Piconjo: "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face and sent him straight to Hell......alive. Then he burned....then died.....then got sent back to Hell......and got burned again.

Satan: "Why the hell is he here? Get this gay mother-f***er out of MY place and forever seal his soul in an indestructable, unaccessable stone seal in the darkest place on Earth.....DETROIT!!!!!!"

Imp: "Ok!"

Back to Norris...

Chuck Norris: "There we go."

He completed Piconjo's movie.....with a heck of a lot of editing. It was a movie where Chuck Norris killed Piconjo in the same manner he did a few minutes ago. Except, then it showed him having sex with some hot chick. And you know that sometimes afterward you light a cigarrette? Well, instead of lighting one, Chuck Norris left the house and branded his cattle.

Chuck Norris' beard began to quiver again. He ran off at the speed of light to the studio for Walker: Texas Ranger.

Chuck Norris: "You called?"

Director: "We want you do be in this cool new movie we got. In this one Chuck, you will drive around in a truck, battling the Decepticons."

Chuck Norris: "Ok!"

Hours later (that's right. Hours. This is Chuck Norris we're talking about), the movie was done. But the producers, thinking that this would be too cool of a movie, decided to split it into two different TV shows: Walker, Texas Ranger, and Transformers.

Chuck Norris: "My work is done. Up up, and away!!!"

He flew away. Just then, his Chuck-senses were tingling again. He landed at Flaming_Stick_Guy's final battle with some evil dude. He ripped off his own arm and used it to beat the life out of the bad guy. When he was done flogging the crap out of him, the bad guy died for some reason. Chuck Norris then proceeded to sow his arm back on with nothing but an old stapler and some phone cord wire. Flaming_Stick_Guy gave him pie.

Flaming_Stick_Guy: "Thank you, Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris: "Thank you, Inflamed Twig Person." *flys away*

Flaming_Stick_Guy: *Thumbs up*

Outside, Chuck Norris was attacked by a bunch of evil ninjas!!!

Chuck Norris: "Come get some."

He ripped the heart out of the first ninja and ATE IT!!! That's disgusting!!! Then he roundhouse kicked another ninja, causing a massive time flux, killing the other ninjas instantly, turning them into wombats.

Nazi planes flew around the place. Chuck Norris aimed his finger at one of them and said "BANG!!!" and that one fell and crashed. He did the same to the others. For the last plane, he pointed his @$$ at it and farted thunder, destroying the last plane.

Now, things got serious (not really). He built a time machine and went back in time to save John F. Kennedy. When Oswald fired, he met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris: "Oh well."

Then he went further back in time to save Abraham Lincoln.

John Booth: "Take this, Lincoln!"

Lincoln turned around and his hat turned into a cowboy hat.

John Booth: *Gasp!* "Chuck Norris?"

Chuck Norris: "That's right, John W. Booth. You mess with Abe," *rips shirt off* "You mess with me."

John Booth: "Oh yeah?"

Chuck Norris: "Yeah."

John Booth: "Grrr!" *fires bullet*

SNAG!!! Look! Chuck Norris caught the bullet in his pectoral muscles!

Chuck Norris: "Four score and seven seconds from now," *sticks the bullet up his nose* "I shot you in the face."

Chuck Norris clogged his other nostril with his finger and blew his nose. The bullet was sent at John Booth and went through his face, thus killing him.

Lincoln: "My hero!"

Then, he went back in time again. This time in Nazi, Germany, in 1945.

Hitler: "ACK! SGISDGJOIKDSJOIFJMIGOJKDSJGKJGKDJK (crazy German language), CHUCK NORRIS!!!!"

Chuck Norris: "I DON'T BELIEVE IN GERMANY!!!!"

He roundhouse kicked Hitler, and the resulting explosion scattered the precious Rave stones to the far corners of the world.

Haru: "That's not how it happened!!!"

Look, I don't care. For the last time in this story, Chuck Norris went back in time to the age when the dinosaurs were around. There he found a prehistoric version of himself. It wasn't as cool as him, and it surely wasn't the real him. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the fake into space. Then the fake hit a giant space whale, pissed it off, and it crashed into another planet. The crash shattered the Shikon Jewel shards across Japan.

Bignut: "For the love of God, that wasn't how IT happened, either!"

RAI_man: "Shhh! This is the best part!"

Then Chuck Norris went back to his own time and sat down next to RAI_man, Bignut, and me, and watched TV.

Weresheep: "Hey, look! Transformers is on!"

TV: "Transformers! Robots in disguise!"

Brad (form the TV): "Hey! Look! It's Chuck Norris driving around in a truck! And he's battling the Decepticons!!"

RAI_man (back in real life): "Wow. I didn't see that coming!"

Chuck Norris: "Of course you didn't, little twin tailed, anthropomorphic black fox! It's great to know...."

G.I.Joe: "AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE!!!!!"

Well, sorry to say this, but......

THE END!!! (But not for Chuck Norris)

The morale? Well.....uhhhhhh.....I hope no one accuses me for this, but only a select few hot women haven't been done by Chuck Norris. They are here, on FAC (You know who you are). It isn't considered sex if the women survives. :)

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