Chapter 3 - When your world ends

Have you ever felt like your world has ended? If you haven't when your world ends you'll feel just like this girl.. Zelda.

I walked down the halls towards my locker.. Not to far from the door I go in and out of every day five days a week. I get pushed and shoved. People say they hate me right to my face. I'm bullied... My world has ended. I feel useless, helpless, alone, un wanted, Deppressed, hurt, I even feel like I'm dead... has anyone ever experienced all these at once? If you have then your world has surely ended. You can try to fix it.. If you can great for you. I'm still here in the ruines of what used to be my world.. My home... what used to be me! This wreck of emotions, alcohol, and thoughts of ending everything.. The pain.. And my life.. No one understands how I feel. People say they do but they really don't.. People don't drink as much as I do a week. People don't get bullied as much as I do as often as I do. People don't feel the way I feel 24 hours a day 7 days a week 12 months of every single year.. I jsut resently started drinking.. Ok acctually I started last week. Third week of school. I used to cry myself to sleep Every night.. Now I drink myself to sleep every night. hoping everything will get better on it's own.. But no! Everything only gets WORSE! I really want to die.. I want my sorrow to stop.. I want EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE TO STOP! Let me think! let me breath! Let me get over what happened last year! Let me deal with my problems before you all go and add more to my side dish on my plate of my life.. The Plate has school, extra curiculare things, soccer practise, and home work.. The side DISHES consist of bullying, deppression, alcohol, sorrow, hate, fear, isolation, madness, in sanity, late nights. Everything that SHOULDN'T be there! I want it to stop! I want it to go away! Just please make it go away! PLEASE! No one hears my cries for help. Or my desperate pleas. Those who do just brush it off as if it were nothing.. Those who hear me plea just walk away or laugh about it. Those are the people who come up to me and say they hate my guts. Those are the people who laugh at me, who make fun of me, who bully me 24/7... I don't know what to do.. Change schools? My mom already cried telling me that if she has to pull me out of school and tansfer me to another school to protect me then she will. I began to cry with her.. Something I haven't done for a long time.. I haven't shed a single tear.. Not one during summer. Not one during school or at home.. Only because I've had my drink spiked with my dad's alcohol to drink to get rid of the urge to cry and to drain away my deppression and sorrow.. I haven't cried for a long time.. But when I cried hearing the words that came from my mom's mouth.. That rolled off her toung that slipped past her lips.. It made me cry.. The words I'd never thought I'd hear again.. " I don't want anything to happen to you." Those were her words.. Those were the words that shattered my heart to hear my mom say.. In every other grade I'd never thought that the bullying would get so bad that my mom would cry and go to great lengths to protect me. It broke my heart to have to hear her say those 8 words.. I never wanted anyone to have to say them. Now I'm more sad because what I'm doing upsets my mom.. She doesn't know that I drink my dad's Alcohol. She only knows about the bullying and the 2 suicide attempts.. But there have been 18 more where that came from.. I've tried 20 times! But I've never been able to bring myself to go any further than to hold the knife inches away from what I can hit to end it all.. my heart.. The thing that holds all that sorrow. All that hurt. All that deppression that bullies put inside me.. I have a big heart so it has lots of room for those things... I've cut off the part that loves others.. I say that I love someone but I don't feel like I do...I feel the barrier is slowly melting away from the love I've been recieving.. When I cried. I felt SO much better.. But not as much as I feel when I drink.. I jsut want help.. Please.. Please help me.

You are not authorized to comment here. Your must be registered and logged in to comment