Chapter 1 - ch1

I don't own yu yu hakusho or mgm rights to the princes bride. Here's another parody of mine. I'll put this one into chapters.bye.





The Bedroom: The Introduction

[In the opening scene, a young boy is sick in his bed, playing a video game.  His Mother enters.]

Mother:  [to her sick little boy] Hi Honey.

Kid: [mumbles quietly] Hi Mom.

Mother: You feeling any better?

Kid:  A little bit.

Mother: Guess what?

Kid: What?

Mother: Your Grandfather is here.

Kid: [pleading] Mom, can't you tell him I'm sick...

Mother: You're sick?  That's why he's here.

Kid: [distressed] He'll pinch my cheek...I hate that!

Mother: Maybe he won't...

[Enter the kid's Grandfather, also Narrator of The Princess Bride]

Grandfather: [entering the room] Heyyyyy...How's the sick?  Huh? [pinching the kids cheek]

Mother:  I think I'll leave you two pals alone.

Grandfather: I brought you a special present.

Kid: [excitedly] What is it?

Grandfather: Open it up.

Kid: [opening the gift] A book?

Grandfather: That's right, when I was your age, television was called books; and this is a special book.  It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick and I used to read it to your father...and today, I'm gonna read it to you.

Kid: [less interested] Does it got any sports in it?

Grandfather:  Are you kidding?  Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles...

Kid:  It doesn't sound too bad.  I'll try and stay awake.

Grandfather: Oh, well, thank you very much.  That's very nice of you.  Your vote of confidence is overwhelming.  Oh...alright...The Princess Bride by S. Morgenstern, Chapter 1.



The Farm: The Beginning

Narrator:  Botan was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin.  Her favorite past-times were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there.  His name was Hiei.  But she never called him that.  Isn't that a wonderful beginning?

Kid:  [with no enthusiasm] Yeah...it's really good.

Narrator:  Nothing gave Botan as much pleasure as ordering Hiei around.



BOTAN:  Farmboy, varnish my horse's saddle.  I want to see my face shining in it by morning.

HIEI:  As you wish.



Narrator:  'As you wish' was all he ever said to her.



BOTAN:  [holding two empty pails] Farmboy, fill these with water...please?

HIEI:  As you wish.



Narrator:  That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying 'as you wish,' what he meant was,  'I love you.'  And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.



BOTAN:  Farmboy, fetch me that pitcher.

HIEI:  [taking the pitcher and whispering]  As you wish...



The Bedroom: The 1st Interruption

Kid:  [interrupting the story]  Hold it!  Hold it!  What is this?  Are you trying to trick me?  Where's the sports?  Is this a kissing book?

Grandfather:  Wait, just wait.

Kid:  Well when does it get good?

Grandfather:  Keep your shirt on and let me read.



The Farm: The Departure

Narrator: Hiei had no money for marriage so he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea.  It was a very emotional time for Botan.

Kid:  I don't believe this!



BOTAN:  [crying]  I fear I will never see you again...

HIEI:  Of course you will.

BOTAN:  But what if something happens to you?

HIEI:  Hear this now, I will always come for you.

BOTAN:  But how can you be sure?

HIEI:  This is true love.  You think this happens every day? [They kiss and he leaves]



The Farm: The Death of Hiei

Narrator: Hiei didn't reach his destination.  His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left captives alive.  When Botan got the news that Hiei was murdered...

Kid:  [interrupting]  Murdered by pirates is good!

Narrator:  [continuing]  ...she went into her room and shut the door, and for days she neither slept nor ate.



BOTAN:  I will never love again.

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The Courtyard: The Announcement

Narrator:  Five years later the main square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the Yusuke's bride to be.



YUSUKE: [Trumpets blaring]  My people!  A month from now, our country will have its 500th Anniversary.  On that sundown I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves.  But perhaps you will not find her common now.  Would you like to meet her?!

Crowd:  [echoing]  Yes!!!

One person says no and Yusuke shoots the guy with a spirit gun.

YUSUKE:  My people, the Princess Botan!



Narrator:  Botan's emptiness consumed her.  Although the law of the land gave Yusuke the right to choose his bride, she did not love him.  [The scene fades to Botan riding her horse the next morning.]  Despite Yusuke's reassurance that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride.



The Boat: The Kidnapping

[Enter Koenma, Kuwabara, and Rex]

KOENMA: [halting Botan]  A word my lady?  We are but poor, lost circus performers.  Is there a village nearby?

BOTAN:  There is nothing nearby.  Not for miles.

KOENMA:  Then there will be no one to hear you scream...

[Rex quickly grabs the princess by the neck, rendering her unconscious.  They take the princess to their ship.]

KUWABARA: What is that you're ripping?

KOENMA:  It's fabric from the uniform of any army officer of Guilder!

REX:  Who is Guilder?

KOENMA:  The country across the sea!  The sworn enemy of Florin! [He attaches the cloth to Botan's horse] Go!!!  Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the prince suspect that the Guilderians have abducted his love.  When he finds her body dead on the Guilder frontier his suspicions will be totally confirmed.

REX:  You never said anything about killing anyone!

KOENMA:  [angrily] I've hired you to help me start a war.  It's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition!

REX:  I just don't think it's right...killing an innocent girl.

KOENMA:  Am I going mad, or did the word 'think' escape your lips?!!  You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass!!

KUWABARA:  [interrupting] I agree with Rex.

KOENMA:  Oh, the sot has spoken! What happens to her is not truly your concern.  I will kill her!  And remember this, never forget this; [yelling] When I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy brandy!!! [Turning to Rex]  And you!  Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless!!  Do you want me to send you back to where you were?  Unemployed, in Greenland!! [Koenma walks away, angered, and sets the ship free.]



The Boat: The Rhyming

KUWABARA: Koenma, he can...fuss.

REX:  Fuss...fuss...I think he likes to scream at us.

KUWABARA:  Probably he means no...harm.

REX:  He's very, very short on...charm.

KUWABARA:  You have a great gift for rhyme.

REX:  Yes, yes, some of the time.

KOENMA: [overhearing Rex] Enough of that!

KUWABARA:  Rex, are there rocks ahead?

REX:  If there are, we all be dead.

KOENMA:  No more rhymes now, I mean it!

REX:  Anybody want a peanut?

KOENMA:  Aauuuggghhhhh!!!!!!



The Boat: The 'Local Fisherman'

[It is night-time, all three and the princess are still at sea.]

KOENMA:  We'll reach the cliffs by dawn.   Why are you doing that? [directed at Kuwabara who is staring behind]

KUWABARA:  Making sure nobody's following us.

KOENMA:  That would be inconceivable.

BOTAN: [jumps in] Despite what you think, you will be caught; and when you are, the prince will see you all hanged.

KOENMA:  Of all the necks on this boat, highness, the one you should be worrying about is your own...[pausing, then glancing at Kuwabara] Stop doing that!  We can all relax!  It's almost over.

KUWABARA:  You are sure nobody's follow us?

KOENMA:  As I told you it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable!  No one in Guilder knows what we've done, and no one in Florin could have gotten here so fast. [pauses] Out of curiosity, why do you ask?

KUWABARA:  No reason.  Suddenly, I just happened to look behind us and something is there.

KOENMA:  [in disbelief] What?!  [now, spying a ship in the distance] Probably...some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night...through eel infested waters.



The Boat: The Shrieking Eels

[Botan jumps overboard]

KOENMA:  What?!  Go in!!  Go after her!!!

KUWABARA:  [frankly] I don't swim.

REX:  [turning to Koenma] I only dog-paddle...

KOENMA:  Aauuuggghhhhh!!!!!!

KOENMA:  Veer left!...left!...left!  [suddenly, horrible screeching is heard] Do you know what that sound is, highness?  Those are the shrieking eels!  If you don't believe me, just wait.  They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh!  If you swim back now I promise no harm will come to you...I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels.



The Bedroom: The 1st Explanation

Grandfather: [Narrator]  She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time.

Kid:  What?

Grandfather:  The eel doesn't get her...I'm explaining to you because you looked nervous.

Kid:  Oh...I wasn't nervous.  Well, maybe I was a little bit concerned but that's not the same thing.

Grandfather:  ...Because we can stop now if you want.

Kid:  No, you could read a little bit more, if you want.



Narrator:  [reading Koenma 's part]  'Do you know what that sound is highness?  Those are the shrieking eels!'

Kid:  Pass that, Grandpa.  You read it already.

Grandfather:  Oh...oh my goodness, I did.  I'm sorry.  Beg your pardon.  [now mumbling to himself] alright, alright, lets see...uh...she was in the water, the eel was going after her, she was frightened, the eel started to charge her and then...



The Boat: The Rescue

[Rex reaches out of the boat, hits the eel on the head, and pulls Botan back on Board]

KOENMA:  Put her down!  Just put her down!

KUWABARA:  [looking back at the other ship again]  I think he's getting closer!

KOENMA:  He's no concern of ours!  Sail on! [now, turning to Botan] I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?

BOTAN:  Only compared to some.

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The Cliffs of Insanity: The Rope Climb

[Dawn, the next morning]

KUWABARA:  Look!  He's right on top of us!  I wonder if he's using the same wind we are using?

KOENMA:  Whoever he is, he's too late!  See! [pointing skyward] The Cliffs of Insanity!!!  Hurry up!  Move...the thing...and...that other thing!  Move it!!![climbing out] We're safe!  Only Rex is strong enough to go up our way.  He'll have to sail around for hours 'till he finds a harbor.

[Rex, all three holding on to him, proceeds to climb a rope up the side of the cliff.]

KUWABARA:  [in amazement] He's climbing the rope....and he's gaining on us.

KOENMA:  Inconceivable!....Faster!!

REX:  I thought I was going faster.

KOENMA:  You were supposed to be this colossus, you were this great legendary thing and yet he gains!

REX:  Well, I'm carrying three people, and he got only himself.

KOENMA:  I do not accept excuses!  I'm just going to have to find myself a new giant, that's all.

REX:  Don't say that, Koenma, please?

KOENMA:  Did I make it clear that your job is at stake?



The Cliffs of Insanity: The Rock Climb

[Finally, Rex reaches the top.  Koenma quickly cuts through the rope with a dagger.  Rex and Kuwabara peer over the edge of the cliff.]

REX:  He's got very good arms.  [Koenma comes over to look.]

KOENMA:  He didn't fall!  Inconceivable!

KUWABARA:  [looking confused]  You keep using that word?  I do not think it means what you think it means...[looking back down] my god...he's climbing.

KOENMA:  Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the princess and must therefore die. [to Rex] You carry her. [to Kuwabara] We'll head straight for the Guilder frontier.  Catch up when he's dead.  If he falls, fine; if not, the sword.

KUWABARA:  I'm going to do him left-handed.

KOENMA:  You know what a hurry we're in!

KUWABARA:  Well, it is the only way I can be satisfied.  If I use my right, over too quickly.

KOENMA:  Oh have it your way.

REX: [to Kuwamba] You be careful.  People in masks cannot be trusted.

KOENMA: [impatiently] I'm waiting...

[Kuwabara practices a few steps.  He then calls to the Man in black.]

KUWABARA:  Hello there.  Slow going?

HIEI:  Look, I don't mean to be rude but this is not as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me.

KUWABARA:  [apologetic] Sorry.

HIEI:  Thank you.

KUWABARA:  [Kuwabara unsheathes his sword and practices more steps.  Calls again to the Man in black.] I do not suppose you could speed things up?

HIEI:  If you're in such a hurry you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do.

KUWABARA:  I could do that.  I have got some rope up here.  But I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.

HIEI:  That does put a damper on our relationship.

KUWABARA:   ...but, I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.

HIEI:  That's very comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.

KUWABARA:  I hate waiting.  I could give you my word as a human?

HIEI:  [struggling up the cliff side] No good.  I've known too many humans.

KUWABARA:  Is there any way you'll trust me?

HIEI:  Nothing comes to mind.

KUWABARA:  [very seriously] I swear on the soul of my father, Domingo Montoya, you will reach the top alive.

HIEI:  Throw me the rope.

[Kuwabara throws the rope to the Man in black, and helps him to the top where there's a clearing]

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The Man In Black: The Conversation

HIEI:  [exhausted] Thank you. [He struggles to draw his sword]

KUWABARA:  Wait wait wait wait wait wait 'till you're ready.

HIEI:  Again, thank you.  [He sits and removes some stones from his boots]

KUWABARA:  I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?

HIEI:  [revealing his five fingers] Do you always begin conversations this way?

KUWABARA:  My father was slaughtered by a six-fingered man.  He was a great sword-maker, my father.  When the six-fingered man appeared and requested a special sword, my father took the job.  He slaved a year before he was done.

[Kuwabra unsheathes his sword, and shows it to the Man in black]

HIEI:  I've never seen its equal.

KUWABARA:  Six-fingered man returned and demanded it...but at one-tenth his promised price.  My father refused.  Without a word, the six-fingered man slashed him through the heart.  I loved my father, so naturally I challenged this man to a duel.  I failed...six-fingered man leave me alive, but he gave me this [a scar on his cheek] and this [another scar].

HIEI:  How old were you?

KUWABARA:  I was eleven years old.  When I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing; so the next time we meet I will not fail.  I will go up to the six-fingered man and say 'Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.'

HIEI:  [intrigued] You've done nothing but sword-play?

KUWABARA:  More pursue more than study lately.  You see, I cannot find him...it's been twenty years now and I'm starting to lose confidence.  I just work for Vizzini to pay the bills.  There's not a lot of money in revenge.

[After a moments silence, the Man in black stands up and prepares to battle]

HIEI:  Well I....I certainly hope you find him someday.

KUWABARA:  You all ready then?

HIEI:  Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair.

KUWABARA: [drawing his sword]  You seem a decent fellow...I hate to kill you.

HIEI:  You seem a decent fellow...I hate to die.

KUWABARA:  [confidently] Begin.



The Man In Black: The Fencing Match

[Slowly, a great battle ensues.  Kuwabara tests the Man in black, and the Man in black tests Kuwabara.  They continue to battle on.]

KUWABARA:  You are using Bonetti's Defense against me, ah?

HIEI:  I thought it fitting considering the rocky terrain.

KUWABARA:  Naturally, you must suspect me to attack with Capa Ferro?

HIEI:  Naturally...but I find that Thibault cancels out Capa Ferro.  Don't you?

KUWABARA:  Unless the enemy has studied his Agrippa...which I have.

[They continue to exchange attacks and parries]

KUWABARA:  You are wonderful!

HIEI:  Thank you.  I've worked hard to become so.

KUWABARA:  I admit it, you are better than I am.

HIEI:  Then why are you smiling?

KUWABARA:  Because I know something you don't know.

HIEI:  And what is that?

KUWABARA:  [switching hands]  I am not left-handed!

[Inigo switches to his right hand, and appears to overwhelm the Man in black]

HIEI:  You're amazing!

KUWABARA:  I ought to be after twenty years.

HIEI:  [struggling to keep Kuwabara away] There's something I ought to tell you.

KUWABARA:  Tell me!

HIEI:  I'm not left-handed either.

[The Man in black switches to his right hand, and performs a few amazing feats.  They stop fencing for a brief moment.]

KUWABARA:  [in awe] Who are you?

HIEI: No one of consequence.

KUWABARA:  I must know.

HIEI:  Get used to disappointment.

KUWABARA:  [disappointed] Okay...

[The battle rages on again, this time, Hiei is dominating. Hiei knocks the sword out of Kuwabara's hand, and circles in behind him]

KUWABARA:  [kneeling]  Kill me quickly.

HIEI:  I would as soon destroy a stained glass window as an artist like yourself.  However, since I can't have you following me either...

[The Man in black hits Inigo on the back of his head with the hilt of his sword, knocking him out.]

HIEI:  [sincerely] Please understand I hold you in the highest respect.

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