Chapter 1 - Untitled
Submitted February 5, 2006 Updated February 5, 2006 Status Incomplete | A very interesting and helpfull articel in the Daily Prophet...
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Books » Harry Potter series |
Chapter 1 - Untitled
Chapter 1 - Untitled
Titel:Titel: Foolsguide to recognize a Werewolf
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me (criessilently)
Author: Moony 4ever
Category: general/humour
Summery: A very interesting andhelpfull articel in the Daily Prophet...
Authors notes: It’snot really a ff but I though it might be funny to read. Just something Ithought about while driving back home from school in a full bus.
Ähmm…andyes, English is my second language so don’t expect to much (And NO, I’m notbeing paranoid!!!)
“Hey,Remus!” Sirius turned to face Remus who had just entered the kitchen. Theblack-haired man was laughing madly.
“Morning.”Was the werewolf’s grumpy reply.
“Hada bad transformation?” Asked Sirius worried.
“Mhhh.”Remus sat down on a chair with great affords. He had, of course, had a badtransformation. The full moon had been up two days ago but Remus hadn’t feltable to come down out of his room until today. One shouldn’t get used to theWolfsbane potion he thought sadly. Snape had, that’s at last what he’d said,unfortunately forgotten the ingredients for this month. That’s why Remushad to go through the whole thing without it. It was his first time sincealmost two years. The wolf had been very happy about it.
“You’dlike to eat something?” Sirius was holding a big pan with bacon right under thewerewolves nose. Remus flinched imminently.
“Doyou want me to throw up?” He grabbed a cup of tee with his shaking hands andtook a careful ship.
“Yourmoods are unbearable, I hope you know this! Here…I’ve got something for you. Ithink this will light up your mood.” Sirius passed him the latest DailyProphet.
“Page5.”
Remus opened the paper reluctant. A big,red headline could be seen on top of it.
Fools guide to recognize a Werewolf
By
Gilderoy Lockhart
An by Lockhart himself(1973):
The Werewolf. The Werewolf is one of the most malicious, dangerousand devious magical creatures to walk this earth. When the full moon’s out thehuman wolf turns into a giant, bloodthirsty Werewolf with just one wish: Tokill and bite!
The already mentionedhuman wolf is not any better. That’s the reason why I, Gilderoy Lockhart,youngest bestselling author of the history of magic, wrote this article only toprotect YOU and YOUR family against the most inhuman animal of all inhumancreatures.
With the help of thefollowing tips you can easily find out whether yourneighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member is a WEREWOLF!
AN by the DP:
This is one of theoldest masterpieces of the master himself, written in 1973. The journalists ofthe DP would like to express their deep regret about that fact that Mr.Lockhart is still not in full possession of his memory and of his skills.
AN by Dolores Umbridge:
I’m very delighted aboutthe fact that the DP recognizes the danger coming from these bloodthirstyhalf-breeds and that the journalists found this very informative andprofessional insert. Should you recognize a Werewolf, please contact the MoMimmediately. You can also read up your personal rights concerning Werewolves inthe MoM civil code Section: Dangerous magical creatures § 1 Werewolves. Do NOTshow any kind of mercy towards the beats!
14 tips who todistinguish between a normal man and a werewolf:
1.Is yourneighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member turning into a hairy beast once amonth you can be absolutely sure: He/She is a Werewolf.
2. Does yourneighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member have bloody fingernails, which henever seems so cut? If yes you can be sure: He/She is a Werewolf.
3.Do the pupils of yourneighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member sometimes switch their colour intoyellow? If yes you can be sure: He/She is a Werewolf.
4.Does yourneighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member have a extraordinary extremelypronounced hair growth (Arms, legs, chest, hair, beard, …). If yes you can beabsolutely sure: He/She is a Werewolf.
5. Are the eye-tooth ofyour neighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member more like fangs and always abit red? If yes you can be sure: He/She is a Werewolf.
6. Does yourneighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member like to eat almost raw meat? Can’the/she keep control when he/she smells blood? Is he/she eating all the time yousee him/her? If yes, you can be sure about one thing: He/She is a Werewolf.
7. Search to toilette ofyour neighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member. If you find pieces of bones,object like golden tooth, hair slides, ear clips etc in his/her excretions youcan be sure he/she is a Werewolf.
8. Search the cellar ofyour neighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member, if you’ll find chained upvirgins you can be sure (80%) that he/she is a Werewolf.
9. Examine the body ofyour neighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member for bites and scars. If he hasunusual much you can be sure he/she is a Werewolf.
10. Examine the smell/perfume of your neighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member. If it smells ofblood, hairs, wildness and dogs you can be sure: It is a WERWOLF.
11. Are the eyebrows ofyour neighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member knit together in the middle?Are the backs of his hands and of each food extremely hairy, you can be sure:He/She is a Werewolf.
12. Does yourneighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member own big animals, which disappearfrom time to time only to be replaced by bigger ones? Werewolves like to eatthem during the full moon.
13. Can you watch yourneighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member wandering around graveyards in thenight? Werewolves like just buried, juicy corpses and almost rotten bones.
14. Is the blood of yourneighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member black? If yes you can be sure:He/She is a Werewolf.
And at last, after youhave done what the 14 tips tell you, you might be not entirely sure whetheryour neighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member is a Werewolf in this case Iwould suggest:
Let yourself be bittenby him and look what happens to you when the next full moon rises. If you turninto a Werewolf yourself, you can be sure: He/She is a WEREWOLF. (If you’re notsure whether you’re a Werewolf or not, just go through the tips again.)
This last one alwaysworks.
I guess I have, because of this veryuseful, academic, by professors tested rules, saved millions and millions oflives. Yours could be the next!
Remus dropped the newspaper and started to laugh.
“Now,what do you say? Do we know a werewolf.” Sirius was looking at him with big,innocent eyes.
“I’mnot quiet sure about it. I need to go through this 14 rules, and especiallythrough the last comment about biting very carefully. But at the present timeI’m afraid I can’t because I have to look after my chained up virgins, myextreme hair growth and about the bones still lying in the toilette. I hadn’thad the time yesterday night because I was busy digging updead bodies and gorging on them.”
The two friends stayed in the kitchen, talking to eachother and laughing about the article for some time.
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me (criessilently)
Author: Moony 4ever
Category: general/humour
Summery: A very interesting andhelpfull articel in the Daily Prophet...
Authors notes: It’snot really a ff but I though it might be funny to read. Just something Ithought about while driving back home from school in a full bus.
Ähmm…andyes, English is my second language so don’t expect to much (And NO, I’m notbeing paranoid!!!)
“Hey,Remus!” Sirius turned to face Remus who had just entered the kitchen. Theblack-haired man was laughing madly.
“Morning.”Was the werewolf’s grumpy reply.
“Hada bad transformation?” Asked Sirius worried.
“Mhhh.”Remus sat down on a chair with great affords. He had, of course, had a badtransformation. The full moon had been up two days ago but Remus hadn’t feltable to come down out of his room until today. One shouldn’t get used to theWolfsbane potion he thought sadly. Snape had, that’s at last what he’d said,unfortunately forgotten the ingredients for this month. That’s why Remushad to go through the whole thing without it. It was his first time sincealmost two years. The wolf had been very happy about it.
“You’dlike to eat something?” Sirius was holding a big pan with bacon right under thewerewolves nose. Remus flinched imminently.
“Doyou want me to throw up?” He grabbed a cup of tee with his shaking hands andtook a careful ship.
“Yourmoods are unbearable, I hope you know this! Here…I’ve got something for you. Ithink this will light up your mood.” Sirius passed him the latest DailyProphet.
“Page5.”
Remus opened the paper reluctant. A big,red headline could be seen on top of it.
Fools guide to recognize a Werewolf
By
Gilderoy Lockhart
An by Lockhart himself(1973):
The Werewolf. The Werewolf is one of the most malicious, dangerousand devious magical creatures to walk this earth. When the full moon’s out thehuman wolf turns into a giant, bloodthirsty Werewolf with just one wish: Tokill and bite!
The already mentionedhuman wolf is not any better. That’s the reason why I, Gilderoy Lockhart,youngest bestselling author of the history of magic, wrote this article only toprotect YOU and YOUR family against the most inhuman animal of all inhumancreatures.
With the help of thefollowing tips you can easily find out whether yourneighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member is a WEREWOLF!
AN by the DP:
This is one of theoldest masterpieces of the master himself, written in 1973. The journalists ofthe DP would like to express their deep regret about that fact that Mr.Lockhart is still not in full possession of his memory and of his skills.
AN by Dolores Umbridge:
I’m very delighted aboutthe fact that the DP recognizes the danger coming from these bloodthirstyhalf-breeds and that the journalists found this very informative andprofessional insert. Should you recognize a Werewolf, please contact the MoMimmediately. You can also read up your personal rights concerning Werewolves inthe MoM civil code Section: Dangerous magical creatures § 1 Werewolves. Do NOTshow any kind of mercy towards the beats!
14 tips who todistinguish between a normal man and a werewolf:
1.Is yourneighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member turning into a hairy beast once amonth you can be absolutely sure: He/She is a Werewolf.
2. Does yourneighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member have bloody fingernails, which henever seems so cut? If yes you can be sure: He/She is a Werewolf.
3.Do the pupils of yourneighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member sometimes switch their colour intoyellow? If yes you can be sure: He/She is a Werewolf.
4.Does yourneighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member have a extraordinary extremelypronounced hair growth (Arms, legs, chest, hair, beard, …). If yes you can beabsolutely sure: He/She is a Werewolf.
5. Are the eye-tooth ofyour neighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member more like fangs and always abit red? If yes you can be sure: He/She is a Werewolf.
6. Does yourneighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member like to eat almost raw meat? Can’the/she keep control when he/she smells blood? Is he/she eating all the time yousee him/her? If yes, you can be sure about one thing: He/She is a Werewolf.
7. Search to toilette ofyour neighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member. If you find pieces of bones,object like golden tooth, hair slides, ear clips etc in his/her excretions youcan be sure he/she is a Werewolf.
8. Search the cellar ofyour neighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member, if you’ll find chained upvirgins you can be sure (80%) that he/she is a Werewolf.
9. Examine the body ofyour neighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member for bites and scars. If he hasunusual much you can be sure he/she is a Werewolf.
10. Examine the smell/perfume of your neighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member. If it smells ofblood, hairs, wildness and dogs you can be sure: It is a WERWOLF.
11. Are the eyebrows ofyour neighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member knit together in the middle?Are the backs of his hands and of each food extremely hairy, you can be sure:He/She is a Werewolf.
12. Does yourneighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member own big animals, which disappearfrom time to time only to be replaced by bigger ones? Werewolves like to eatthem during the full moon.
13. Can you watch yourneighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member wandering around graveyards in thenight? Werewolves like just buried, juicy corpses and almost rotten bones.
14. Is the blood of yourneighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member black? If yes you can be sure:He/She is a Werewolf.
And at last, after youhave done what the 14 tips tell you, you might be not entirely sure whetheryour neighbour/friend/boss/worker/family member is a Werewolf in this case Iwould suggest:
Let yourself be bittenby him and look what happens to you when the next full moon rises. If you turninto a Werewolf yourself, you can be sure: He/She is a WEREWOLF. (If you’re notsure whether you’re a Werewolf or not, just go through the tips again.)
This last one alwaysworks.
I guess I have, because of this veryuseful, academic, by professors tested rules, saved millions and millions oflives. Yours could be the next!
Remus dropped the newspaper and started to laugh.
“Now,what do you say? Do we know a werewolf.” Sirius was looking at him with big,innocent eyes.
“I’mnot quiet sure about it. I need to go through this 14 rules, and especiallythrough the last comment about biting very carefully. But at the present timeI’m afraid I can’t because I have to look after my chained up virgins, myextreme hair growth and about the bones still lying in the toilette. I hadn’thad the time yesterday night because I was busy digging updead bodies and gorging on them.”
The two friends stayed in the kitchen, talking to eachother and laughing about the article for some time.
Comments
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sylvermini on October 7, 2006, 2:51:26 PM
sylvermini on
your english wasn't bad at all, that was clever! ha! ...... my eye teeth are like fangs...... i better check to see if there red! ^-^ faves!psychopanda94 on July 23, 2006, 8:53:48 PM
you can only b 80% sure if there are chained vigins?demonic_damsel on May 31, 2006, 5:31:44 AM
bwahahahahah brill that's just ace chained virgins thats classicPadfoot_Lover on May 6, 2006, 4:58:31 PM
lol, that's hilarious!!Puppy_luvur on March 20, 2006, 6:36:52 AM
Puppy_luvur on
Cute! I like it!Puppy_luvur on March 20, 2006, 6:36:49 AM
Puppy_luvur on
Cute! I like it!Puppy_luvur on March 20, 2006, 6:36:48 AM
Puppy_luvur on
Cute! I like it!ceres51892 on March 10, 2006, 4:21:01 AM
ceres51892 on
ha!chained up virgins!
that's hilarious!!^^
XD
good job!
*favs*
DannyH on February 5, 2006, 1:12:34 AM
DannyH on
Haha that was good.Favs