Chapter 5 - Chaptearl Four

Chapter four.

In which something disturbingly creepy happens.



“Earl is bored. We have played poker for three hours straight, drunk more water then one would think humanly possible, and we still haven't had to go to the bathroom. Earl thinks there is EVIL VOODOO MAGIC INVOLVED!” I shouted, scattering body parts, cards, and water glasses everywhere.

“Earl, Earl, Earl. Easy honey.” Xvo said.

“WHAT!” I shouted, tipping the table. Def. D moaned, the table having passed through his gaseous middle.

“Sorry. I meant `homey'. My finger slipped from the `m' key onto the `n' key. Stupid keyboard.” Xvo muttered, backspacing and changing the sentence.

Everyone let out a sigh of relief, except for Def. D, who still had a table crushing his innards.

“I don't want to interrupt, but WOULD SOMEBODY GET THIS CENSORED TABLE OFF OF ME!” he shouted, struggling. “I'm eighty percent gas! I can't lift it!”

“Technically D, you're eight-three. I checked you with this conveniently placed chromatograph.” Maggie pulled a piece of paper out of it. “Which is odd, because the thing wasn't here before this sentence.”

“Welcome to my pub. Until the second chapter, there wasn't a cul-de-sac or a gang of malicious fairies hell-bent on your demise. In fact, I don't think that you existed before the writer decided to rip off another character.” Moist wiped the bar with a towel that didn't exist before this sentence. “And the editor just told me that other anime/manga characters are going to show up in one to the chapters coming up, albeit in bit parts.”

That would be the next one. An ethereal voice said from the ceiling.

“Thanks for the heads up.” Moist flicked his towel at the ceiling.

Ow. What was that for? I'm just the ceiling you jerk. The voice muttered. And where's that music coming from?

Oh, that's just the media player. I-the writer-need music, and my brother won't let me play any of my Japanese stuff.

“Ahh.” Moist absently drummed his finger, creating more meaningless stuff for me to write down to avoid the next chapter for as long as possible. It's not going to work Moist. All I have to do is write that you were struck by paralysis, and then we can go on.

“No you won't. Earl will begin to party like it's 1899, and then you will have to write until I collapse from exhaustion.”

But I'll just write you a hernia, and then how will you dance?

“I'll wiggle my hand. Earl can wiggle with the best of them.”

And then, I'll play Hikari, and 1000 Words and all that other J-Pop music I've got, and then where will you be? I'll tell you: In a fetal position, rocking on the floor, because you are my brother's alternate personality.

“I like J-Pop.” Maggie remarked.

That's because it was my idea to put you into this little pile of mayhem, Maggie. You can't not like it.

“Aww, you mean I didn't have a choice? Jerk.”

And what if the room was filled with sleeping gas, and then was invaded by the cast of Inu-Yasha. You'd be in trouble then.

“But then you'd have two Takahashi's after you. Kazuki and that other one.” Budget Cutz pointed out.

Rumiko?

“Yeah, that's her. And don't even think of bringing in any Yu Watase characters.” Xvo threatened ominously.

I knew I should have at least thrown another one of my cards into this. Then I would have more then one champion.

Yeah, but you'd have picked The Masked Beast, or Dark Paladin, or Dark Necrofear, or-dare I say it-Dark Magician Girl, which technically you don't own yet.

Editor/alternate personality-because-I'm-the-one-who-writes-for-you, shut up. Technically, I'm you.

Yeah, but then again, if I'm you, then why don't I like Dark Magician Girl.

Because I'm thinking like my brother when I write like you. I just censored him.

Jerk.

You know, I get that a lot. Now, shut up and sit down, all of you, because we're going on to the next chapter. And If I hear even one peep out of any of you, then you're all going to become dancing girls. With harem pants. And little scanty tops. And veils. Don't make me come back there!

“You fiend! You would turn Earl into a dancing girl? Earl is both shocked and offended.”

Point taken. You wouldn't make the most attractive dancing girl. Okay, you-

“Earl thanks you from the bottom of his fiendish heart.”

I wasn't done. You can be the eunuch. Heheheheheheheh.

“Earl will wreak horrible, horrible vengeance on-”

As of now, until the next chapter, everyone will be struck with paralysis.

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