Chapter 0 - Pilot

NOTE: I wrote this in April, so that will explain the "April Fools" references. Be warned, this is going to be less mild than my other fics. If you take offense to ANYTHING AT ALL, let me know, and I will delete the offensive part. Keep in mind, I'm trying to write a TV-14 rated fic, so there will be language and MILD sexual themes, nothing that should be offensive. But, like I said, if it is, let me know.

-NG

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. Dr. Gregory House, Board-Certified Diagnostician, rolled over. He looked at the buzzing cell phone. Reaching for his Vicodin, he answered. “What?” The sweet of Doctor Allison Cameron greeted him. “House, age 20, male, exhibiting signs of dementia and displacement.” “Probably drunk. He has some skanky blonde with him, right?” Silence. “…Yes, he has a BLONDE with him. What does that have to do with” “I’ll be there. Have Chase keep an eye on him.” House slapped the phone shut. He reached for his cane.

Doctor Lisa Cuddy, the Dean of Medicine at the hospital, greeted house as he walked through the door. It was brutally early, about 4:30 am or so. “Good morning sunshine.” She said sarcastically at House’s dreary look. “With you, it always is.” House said sarcastically. “Funny. You’ve got a patient, and at 8:00, clinic duty.” “Sorry, can’t, hurt my leg. I have a note.” Cuddy rolled her eyes. House limped to the elevator.

“Dementia isn’t treatable. Something else is causing the symptoms.” Dr. Eric Foreman pointed out. “It’s treatable with exercise and a good diet.” Responded Dr. Robert Chase. Foreman was an African-American, in his late twenties or early thirties. His specialty was neurology. Chase was a younger Australian, who was a practiced Intensivist. “I don’t think it’s the dementia, if he even has it. Probably just drank too much.” Dr. Cameron answered. House burst into the room, swiping the white-board marker from Foreman’s hand. “House, you look awful! Didn’t you sleep?” Cameron asked. Despite House’s anti-social tendencies, Cameron was nice to him. “You know me, Booze and Broads. Now, what are the symptoms?”

“You’ll be okay.” Amber assured “Wild” Bill Johnson. “I know. Sorry about the party.” “Don’t worry about it, you just make sure you get well.” The two began to kiss, avoiding the IV. House walked in. He rapped his cane on the end of the bed. The girl jumped off in shock. “Who the hell are you?” “I’m the doctor who’s gonna save your @$$ so you and your little “Friend”, wink wink, can get back to procreating.” House took another Vicodin. “You’re a Doctor?” The girl asked in a questioning tone. “No, I’m just here to make sure the patients don’t make out in a sterile environment.”

“He doesn’t have dementia.” House announced to his team. “What? How can you tell?” Questioned Foreman. “He remembered last night.” “So?” Chase inquired. “Dementia goes hand-in-hand with displacement. He shouldn’t be able to find his @$$ with his hand.” Cameron shook her head while Chase and Foreman exchanged exasperated glances. Their pagers suddenly buzzed.

The patient was jolting violently in the bed. Dr. James Wilson was yelling for “10cc’s of Nitrosoureaus, STAT!” “What happened here?” Cameron sputtered as she helped the nurses restrain him. “Check his X-rays. Have House order a Lumbar puncture and a Liver Biopsy.”

Another patient was waiting for House in an exam room. He was eighteen years old, maybe 5’8 height, and thin. He seemed nervous. House walked in. “What’s wrong?” House said flatly. “Anxiety. My old medication isn’t working, I’ve taken it as prescribed, and now as a side-effect I’m having chest pains.” He said. House tapped his clipboard. “Hmm, you’ve done your homework. Alright, give me your arm and put your thumb up your” “HOUSE!” Cuddy yelled. “Ruh-roh…” House said in a Scooby-Doo impression. “Go help your other patient, I’ve brought Cameron in to handle this.” “Aw, I was just having fun. You know, kind of like when you wear your tennis outfit.” Cuddy pointed to the door. “I’m sorry sweetheart, this must be scary for you. How old are you?” “Eighteen.” The patient said. “I know you don’t believe me, it’s okay. Here’s my ID” He handed her a college ID. “I’m sorry. Are you okay with having a female doctor check you out…” The kid opened his mouth, then shook his head. “I’m sorry, I was going to crack a joke, but you probably get enough of that with him.” He nodded toward the door. “You are so right.” “He’s smart, though.” Cuddy nodded. “Well, I’ll have Cameron come in then.”

The kid sat back, nodding. He took a pill. “Prescription, helps me calm down.” He said, by way of explanation. “Paxil?” Cuddy asked. “Clonopin.” Cameron walked in. “Hi, I’m Dr. Cameron. I- are you okay?” “Sorry, I always get nervous like this. I, um, don’t like to take my shirt off, that’s part of it.” “Well, this won’t take long. Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong, and we’ll go from there.” “I have Anxiety disorder. My medication doesn’t work and…Oh hell, I stopped taking it. I’m having chest pains, and occasionally, shortness of breath.” Cameron jotted it all down. “Alright, let me run a couple tests. Would you lie down on your stomach? It helps calm your nerves. I don’t know if the sight of blood bothers you, but I need a sample.”

“The seizure was from too much alcohol. Where do you go college?” “Southern California. What does that have anything to do with it?” “I’m just wondering where you got super-babe here.” The girl gave him a look. “What? It’s a compliment.” “House, will you knock it off? Look, when was the last time you slept?” Cuddy exclaimed.

Cameron reached over him to get the vial. The door opened, catching her foot. She fell on top of him in a way that looked wrong. “Hi, I’m Dr. Chase, I’m here to- what the hell?” Cameron got up. “I thought we- I come in here, and your getting your rock’s off on THIS guy?” “Chase, I told you, uncomplicated sex between you and me. No one else. The door knocked me into him.” Cameron dropped the vial. “Damn it! I’m sorry about this.” “No worries.” She bent over, accidentally displaying her chest. He had been facing away, but had turned his head, then looked away quickly, embarrased. Chase was looking daggers at the kid. “Got it. What?” The kid was doing his best not to look surprised. “Now you’re showing him your boobs? What are you doing? Robbing the cradle?” Chase shouted. “This kid is jail-bait!” “It was an accident! I didn’t kn” “He’s eighteen, you wise-@$$! It was an accident!” “Accident my @$$.” Chase mumbled. “Speaking of asses, get yours out of here!” “No, I’m making sure nothing else happens. This little pervert here…” “Damnit Chase, I told you…” Cameron decided to piss Chase off a little bit. But she needed that kid’s permission first… “Well, I’m going to have you admitted, just for a day or so. You just need an EKG, but I want to monitor those chest…pains.” She stretched out the word “chest” to make Chase jealous.

“Okay, here’s the deal. You had a seizure because you drank too much and haven’t slept. Take some of these happy pills, and get some sleep.” “Thanks. What are these?” “Candy, called Ambien cr.” Suddenly, Foreman raced in. “House, keep him here. Wilson’s found something.”

“So you’ll help me out?” Cameron asked. “Sure. It’s a little…akward…I’ve never…done anything like that before.” “You’re in college, and you’re nice looking, it’ll happen.” She said with a laugh. “Here he comes.” Cameron pushed her lab jacked off, and pulled one sleeve of her shirt down so it was off her shoulder. She sat on the patients lap. As Chase walked in, she was kissing him, pulling his shirt off, while he had his hand on her chest. She stroked his back, forcing his head closer. “DAMN IT! I DON’T BELIEVE THIS!” Cameron got off the kid suddenly, who looked dazed. “Chase, I’m sorry. But he’s soooo incredible! I never knew sex could feel like that! He may be small, but he packs a wallop!” On her cue, he put a hand on her butt. She laughed and ran a hand down his chest. “You want to hang around with pre-pubescent teenagers, you do that.” Chase stormed out into the hallway, glaring at the two of them. Cameron turned around, laughing. “Thanks for helping me.” “Gladly. Are you sure it was okay to do that?” “What, are you gonna tell on me? Besides, we didn’t actually do any of that stuff, which I’ll describe to Chase in detail.” She paused, smiling mischievously. Then she narrowed her eyes, keeping the smile in place. “You know, you really are as innocent as you seem, aren’t you. Was that seriously your first kiss…and touch?” The kid nodded. “The girls were never my type at school, and college girls are a little…” “Hormone-y.” Cameron finished. “Yeah.”

Wilson was studying the Xrays. “Look right there House.” Wilson pointed. “Either you spilled coffee on the Xray, or that’s a tumor. Benign?” Wilson shook his head. “I don’t know. Lumbar Puncture will tell us.”

“I don’t believe it! She was in his room, making out with him!” Chase fumed. Foreman and Cuddy were in on the joke. “Well, sorry man. Cameron’s a cute girl, and she has a thing for the underdogs.” House barged in before Chase could give a retort. “Chase, I heard a patient nailed your girl.” Chase stared, open-mouthed. Cameron twirled her hair, nearly cracking her ribs holding in her laughter. “Anyway, I need Foreman to do a Lumbar puncture, Chase, you check the blood samples, Cameron, you tend to your patient. Cuddy, you tend to me.” Cuddy gave House a look. “House, As far as I am concerned, your job is to work with medicine, not make crude jokes to me.” House made a face. “Sorry, it’s just that lab coat is such a turn-on.” “You’re a bastard House.” She said. “Bastards need love too.” He said dryly.

“Okay, you ready?” Cameron asked the kid. “Are you sure about this?” he asked. “Positive. Okay, slide over, quick.” She tossed her lab coat and shirt on the floor and rolled on top of the kid. “Put your arms around me.” She whispered. He did, nearly flinching at her almost bare back. “Okay, sit up.” He did. She ran a hand down his chest, pretending to kiss it. She laid on top of him, burying her face in his neck. “Put your head in my chest.” She said. “WHAT?” “Trust me, not for real!” He did as he was told. Chase walked in with a stack of papers. He dropped them. “WHAT THE HELL! KNOCK IT OFF!” Chase yelled. Cameron finally burst out laughing. She got off the stunned college boy, and pulled her shirt back on. “Chase, you need to know something.” She said. “Yeah, like what is so damn funny? And, why shouldn’t I kick his @$$?” “This was a joke. I put him up to it. We never did anything. April Fools Chase!” Chase put a hand to his head. “Doctor, I’m sorry about that. But I couldn’t say no. She was really helpful.” “In what way?” Chase asked, eyebrows raised. “Well, I was a virgin, and wow, I never thought losing something could be so fun!” He cracked up along with Cameron. “Seriously, now. The EKG showed nothing. He’s got anxiety. Chase, you’re the neurologist, can you handle this?” Cameron asked. “I don’t know if I’ll be as entertaining.” Chase said, finally admitting the joke was funny. “The anxiety will probably go away on it’s own. Try Zoloft in the mean time, I’ll write a prescription. But before I do, be honest with me: Did you two…” “No. She told me about you, and I respect all of you. She asked me to go along with it as a joke on you. She didn’t even kiss me for real.” Chase shook his head. “I owe her one. Alright, here you go.” He said, handing him a prescription. “Thanks. Oh, by the way, I’m working here as a security guard. If I were you, I’d keep an eye on Cameron.” He said with a wink. Chase gave him a look that said plainly “Don’t try anything.”

“Good news, bad news time. Bad news: You have cancer. Good news: It’s treatable. In other good news, may I congratulate Cameron on an excellent prank.” Cameron looked at him. “Who told you about that?” “No one.” “Are you watching me?” “You have such a nice @$$, that’s why I hired you. Any moron can go to med school, but most of them aren’t hot.” Cameron left in exasperation. “We’ll start you on the chemo tomorrow. You’ll be good as new in a week.”

House was limping out to his motorcycle. “Dr. House! Hold on a second!” A security guard ran up. “Thanks for your help last year. Diagnosing the anxiety.” “Yeah, great.” “Well, this is for you. Custom made. It took a year to get here.” The college kid that Cameron had used as “bait” handed House a package. “Goodnight House. Drive safe.” House tucked the package into a nook on his motorcycle.

Cuddy marched over to the security guard. “Is he watching?” “Yup.” She motioned Cameron over. The both hugged him. Chase and House both raced up, looking to kill him. “Relax! You two are suckers!” Cuddy said. “April Fools.” “Damn it, they did it again!” Chase exclaimed, still grinning. The college kid gave them a look. “How do you think I feel? I’ve never been kissed before, and no girl will touch me because of anxiety, and that damn conscience of mine…” Cameron ran back. “Thanks for the help.” She kissed him on the cheek. Cuddy walked up. “Here’s your prescription. Oh, and, great job. When do you graduate med school?” “In a few months Ma’am.” “Well, you’ll have a position here, pediatric medicine. Dr. Schultz is retiring, and he recommended you.” “Schultz? No kidding? Tell the Professor I said hi.” “Will do.” She kissed him on the cheek. Chase and House exchanged glances. “You’re gonna be a doctor? Why didn’t you say anything?” Chase asked. “Too much fun watching you sweat it out. Seriously, you two are lucky.” He reached down to take a pill, then realized there was liquid in it. “What the hell?” Chase and House hi-fived. “April fools. Would you bring that up to Dr Midereator? You know, the old-person doctor? He’d like Gladys’ urine sample back.”

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