Chapter 2 - Daily Routine

I tossed over in the bed again, pulling my blanket up to my chin, a school day, great. Don't get me wrong I don't hate school, but I don't like it ether, I find school easier then home, if I don't want to talk then I don't have to, there's no awkward silence at school. At school I hide in the corner watching my friends, I find watching them kind of relaxes me, they go about there daily lives not knowing. You could say they don't know because I have never told them, I've never told them how I have often wondered what would happen if I just disappeared, not disappeared as in ran away or abducted, no, that would be to simple, I mean dead. Well back to my story. I lay in bed waiting for the alarm to go off, always they same old thing, wake up an hour be fore the alarm after only three or four hours sleep, lay in bed for the hour tossing and turning trying to find sleep again, alarm finally goes off, I get up and head for the shower look at myself in the mirror, its not me, not the me that my mind tells me I am, the cheeks in the mirror are to fat, the girl in my mind has a sharp jaw line, the eyes staring back at me are full of laughter, she's taunting me, I fight the urge to smash the mirror, the good girl doesn't do that.

After my shower I get dressed in school uniform, all that is, is a blue top with the logo, it's the third uniform in three years, I wish they would make up there fracking minds, I catch a glimpse of the girl in the mirror in my room, I see a photo at the same time, we could be twins, me and her, her and me, a mother and a daughter. I walk out to the kitchen were my grandparents are just waking up, I've lived with them since I was eight weeks old, no mother. Its her that I look like, the same face shape, the same eyes and the same longing to leave, my grandparents say they don't know why she ran away, I reckon she was smart, they think she was stupid to leave when she had a ok family a roof over her head and all the food she could possible want, so why would she leave, simple, she wanted a way out, she didn't want to be the good girl, the one who held everything together, the one I am now.

You're probably asking "then why do you hate her if you agree with her?", the answer, well its because she left, I couldn't have one of those types of family's were there's a mum and a dad. I look over her mistakes, the ones that have brought everyone to hate her and then I wonder what people see in me, I am her clone, I look exactly like her.

I look over at my granddad who's reading the paper "I need to get to school" I say as he looks at me, I live just a block away from the school but there were some stray dogs and I only like dogs on leashes or behind fences so I don't walk in the mornings only afternoons. We pull up beside the school and I jump out "luv you" I say as usual and slam the door running up the small slope to go find my friends, there in the same spot as usual, Kate sees me and comes running, she hugs me and then sees Amy so she runs towards her leaving me deserted, Ricky calls out his usual hello and Ben his usual insult, I sit down on the bench and watch them, joining in the conversations whenever possible, at this point in the day is usually when I feel it first, the feeling of just wanting out, of sleep, sleeping forever, you see when I sleep I don't dream, I am usually fully aware of every thing going on around me and would wake at the drop of a pin, so there I am wishing I could just die when the siren goes, I leave my friends and head for homeroom, Jordan at my side, we were the unlucky ones, we got separated from our friends.

English first, I love English, I just don't like the assignments, I like creative writing, when I write things down I feel free, there's no restrictions to what you could write, well there is if the teacher says so, but otherwise not. Today we get set reflective writing and as usual I do it but just don't hand it in, I show it to my friends though, for some reason they say that they can relate to what I write, they always do, I thought it was meant to be about me? We move on to math next, shoot I forgot my homework, as I walk in the door past the teacher I'm near tears, I just want out, there's that feeling again, does she know I forgot it, damn she called my name, say something, why cant I fracking say anything, she calls again, I respond with a squeak of a yes, she's called me up to the bord to work out the equation, no-one to hide behind no-were to go the doors blocked, I take a deep breath and go to the front of the class and start writing on the bord, when I finish I go to sit down again, that wasn't so bad, wrong, before I get to my seat the teacher starts yelling, I freeze, my legs wont move, my body's gone into fight or flight mode, she's yelling that I made a mistake and need to go back and fix it, I cant, she asks why I haven't moved, I stutter, I haven't done that in a while, I bunch my hands into fists, I saw my friend swap her book for mine, I reach over and get the newly swapped book, thank you Kate, I go back to the bord and using Kate's notes fix what I had wrong and then go back to my seat, I need out, I want out, I had wanted to run out of the room and skip the rest of that lesson but I cant, I couldn't, the good girls don't do that, when the teacher asks for the homework I look down, she notices, she starts yelling that I'm recking my own future and if I want to stay in the top class I need to pick myself up and try harder, please just stop, I start to feel rage build up, I hate me, I hate my life and everything in it, but most of all I hate feeling like I might hurt someone other then myself, I hate this rage, I need out, its only ever blue or red, I hate this.

Not even halfway though the day yet, I'm already so worn out, I need to fix things, my friends are used to me feeling red because they don't see the anger, they don't see me as being different, its when I'm blue they notice the difference, sometimes. So ether way I'm always on my own, left in my head to fight the demons of my life.

Science next, it's quiet in science, sort of. I put my music on and imagine, it's the closest I ever get to leaving. I leave the science room feeling partly good, I feel in control again, I walk with Kate to art, the others have dance, we take our usual seats with our art projects out in front of us, I cant listen to music here, I don't need to anyways, art, music, reading and writing are one in the same for me, they mostly always help if I'm feeling bad, witch is a lot of the time.

Lunch, the days nearly over, I line up at the canteen to buy a cheeseburger, I hear girls behind me doging about things, I listen harder not because I want to know what there saying but because I need to hear the name of the girl their doging about, so I can make sure its not me, they don't mention a name but they push past me to the front of the line, the people at this school think I'm weak because if for example someone pushes in front of me in line I do nothing, not because I'm weak, it's because I want to stay in control, to be able to recognise what I'm doing, I don't want to hurt people. I finally get my cheeseburger and go find my friends, there not in the usual spot, I look around, oh there they are, wait, what? They ran off, I chace after them rounding the corner I saw them go round, I see them, they see me, they laugh and run again, I cant be bothered chasing them I go and sit by the gym doors, it will be a joke I know that, I get a text message from Jordan 'will u go out wid me???' it says, I stare at my phone, does it really say that, could he really mean it, I text back 'I think bout it, btw y u running from me???', I see Kate come over, she sits next to me, I take a bite out of my burger and a sip of mocha, I can see she's uncomfortable with the silence, I look at her, she's hiding something "spit it out" I say coldly.

"Ben sent the text not Jordan, it was a joke, I'm sorry I said you wouldn't like it, but the others said it was some harmless fun" I stare at Kate like she had 5 eyes and a twisted face, I have finished my burger all was left was my mocha drink, I get up without a word to Kate and head to our usual spot, their all there, they see me and laugh and point, I put on a smile and walk over to them, I see Ben sitting down next to Jordan, the smile on Ben's face practically eggs me on I walk over till I'm in front of him and Jordan. I take a sip from my mocha a tear runs down my face, I want out, no-one likes me, no-one can ever like me, I'll go on living though, because I'm stronger then them, I hold out my mocha a smile spreads over my face and I feel the rage coming back, I'm fully crying now, he sees it and the smile disappears from his face. I know they will hate me for this but it's the only thing I can do that won't hurt anyone, they should understand in time. It's time for me to make a stand, show that i wont put up with this, it's time for me to be strong.
"I'll think about it" I say and pour what's left of the mocha over him.

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