Chapter 5 - fourth hand

First hand knowledge is always good, you know what you saw and no-one could tell you otherwise.

Second hand knowledge is ok too, as long as it's from a trusted friend you'll find out the next day or even that night on facebook.

Now it's the third hand knowledge that's sitting on the borderline, were your friends just late in telling you or are you just an afterthought.

Fourth hand knowledge is where me and my friends would be, they always 'forget' to tell me, always say that they thought I already knew, I find out someone's been dating for a month a week after they break up, I have to think every time 'are these people really my friends?'

Usually I won't form emotional bonds with people, mostly because I know friendships won't last, they will be fine one day and the next your just remembering all the fun and stupid stuff with them, so I know that people are always leaving, never staying in one place, so I try to leave them first, I don't like to hurt inside when a friend leaves, but I'm scared now. The friends I have made in these past years feel like family, I was around them so much that I let my guard down, I would throw my own life in front of danger for them, I'm scared of the pain I know is coming, they don't talk to me outside of school but I still need them, I wonder if they will feel anything when I'm gone.

so that's my plan, I'm going to leave, I'm going to detach every last emotional tie that I have ever made to anyone, as soon as I am able I'm going to America, it has always been my dream, I won't keep contact with anyone and I know it will hurt some people, but I can never survive on my own if I keep trying to please them, I'm always going out of my way for them, never following my dreams.

But who knows, maybe the people that care about me actually rely on me as I rely on them, I don't think I'll ever make it to America.

You are not authorized to comment here. Your must be registered and logged in to comment