Chapter 9 - Random Thoughts of a Suicide Letter

What is this? i do not know...
i letter of some kind, i believe it so..
could this be a suicide letter?
no... it cant... atleast i dont want it to be...
for it is impossible... impossible to escape...
even through death...i would not escape..

Maybe im not escaping... hopefully im not escaping...
im just reaching out... reaching out to something distant...
what exactly am i reaching out for?
i dont know... consolidation, maybe... i've been sad...
as i think right now, my body is sore, and my head hurts...
my mind is fragile and my soul is sleepy...
but one thing i will tell you... before i go to bed...

My friends...
I love them... but they do not
they fail me, but i fail them more...
i dont want to fail, i want my friends...

i change for others, so they can be happy...
i change for others, and lose myself each day...
i change for others, and forget about me..

I look in the mirror and see a face...
it seems so unfamiliar, and so distant...
why? what did i used to look like?
one thing i remmember...
my hair was smooth... like my life back then...
everything else... i forget...

who am i now? who are they now?
they are my friends...but im not theirs...

is this my fault now? or is it theirs?
each day i smile to them as they smile back...
but do they just smile? no, theres hesitation...
they make a bad joke and i act like its alright...
i make any joke and im made a loser...

I have walked through this full school many times...
everyone is happy, everyone is talking...
yet i walk these school grounds alone and quiet...

little kids walk alongside their bestfriends...
they talk, they play, they joke, and they laugh...
where is my best friend? where is he now?
there he is, talking to the girl i like...
funny how they laugh so much when they are together..

I walk home with my best friend, today i wait...
what for? he never starts a conversation with me...
I still wait, but i can wait no more...
i tell him of my day, and he tells me someting funny about it..
i laugh, but why did i? was it funny? i dont think so...
i tell him a joke that he reminded me of... he doesnt laugh...
i look at him, and he has earphones on... great...
did he hear? im sure he did...why does he not respond?

I walk silently...
silently through a crowded place...
as i walk, i think...
i think of many questions of my life...
funny... i cant answer any of them...

in this multitude, i am lonely...
i have many friends, but none that real..
through this agony, im all alone...
but yet im not numb...
i feel and sense all..
i let go, and embrace the truth...
the truth.. the truth of all...

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