Chapter 5 - Avarita - Greed

Avarita - Greed

"frack that."

"Frank, man, what the..." The rest of Ray's sentence was muttered incoherently to the ghost of your small body that had been left behind when you dashed, head held high, to the back of the bus. I wanted to follow you, to calm you, to understand--but that doesn't happen much these days and I had a sickening feeling that you were in the wrong. Of course I would defend you, but I would do so half-hearted, and you would want more from me that I just could not give. I shot Ray a don't-talk-to-me-about-him look, and fell quietly into a cross-legged position. My hands were cold and shaky as I lifted them to my forehead, closing thankful eyes in thought.

"Dude, you have to talk to him. He can't write every fracking song on the new record, and frankly, his new stuff is shoot." Ray spat at me, leaving his guitar half-strung and flopping loudly into his bunk a few seconds later.

You were biding your time expertly, and I guess that I was too, for the second Ray left I prepared myself for a conversation and you walked confidently into our tiny makeshift living room. Dark gray circles lay under eyes that were squinted constantly as your eyes roamed the room for something or someone to attack and conquer. That's what I'm here for, baby. Let me have it.

You sat in a chair, above me, never would you have lowered yourself to this floor--to my level. The furniture moaned softly beneath your fidgeting form and I knew that this wasn't about music at all. This was want--you wanted more of your perfect poison and this bus just didn't seem to stop. It was coursing through your veins, the greed for your next high, and it was infecting you. I've been there. I've repented.

"Gerard, I want to write more." You stated calmly before pausing, making brief eye contact before beginning to bound your right leg up and down, and up and down. My eyes followed it, not wanting to see the sickly green fire that burned within your eyes. Any distraction was better.

"Ray's new stuff is awful. This next record needs me, trust me on that." You set your hand atop your knee and the two shifted in unison. "I want to be the lead writer. And I think I should probably get a larger percentage because of it. I mean, I'm working myself raw for this fracking band." I wanted to laugh in your face. The drugs were working you raw, Frank.

"And really, I'm not happy. I shouldn't have so much left that I want when I'm fit for and deserving of all of my desires." You got up and began to pace, ink-ridden arms flailing about, enhancing your vehement speech. "I should have the whole fracking world at my feet. I want it there, Gerard. I want more than that. frack it, I want the universe. Write my name in the fracking stars, man." You fell to your knees in front of me and you began to shake. You weren't lowering yourself to my level, no, it was the weakness that comes with involuntary detox.

"I want a frack buddy who has a spine." You looked into my eyes, and the trembling became contagious. "But I want you too. Both of you. Everyone. I want to be in the center of the next magazine cover and I want to be offered a light for every fracking cigarette I even consider smoking." You had my arms in your grasp and as one we were jerking about violently. Bruises and scrapes, broken windows and dented walls. You were fighting with yourself, but I was the mediator, standing in the middle separating the two Frank's. The junkie and the human being. And for all of their differences, both stood with their palms out, wanting more, wanting something from someone that would make Frank the user become Frank the rock star again. And your shaking only accomplished to crack this whole wide world into pieces. Two pieces. One for your weak side, one for your strong. But both for you. You had the whole world in your grasp and it wasn't enough.

Like an earthquake, it was over before it began. You let go, got to your feet, and looked me straight in the eye.

"I'm to good for this. What I want is out. Tell Ray he can write whatever he pleases. I want the frack out."

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