Chapter 1 - Untitled

Idiot GeniusIdiotGenius
sakayume
12.13.05
 
       For someonewhoÕs supposed to be a genius, Kakashi can be a real idiot sometimes.
       ItÕs notthe little stuff that bugs me, like the perverted books he reads or the wayheÕs still wearing that mask after all these years. ItÕs not even the fact thathe hangs around and talks to dead people because, yÕknow, I like the company.Even KakashiÕs company. Actually, that partÕs kind of funny, because you knowwhat he does? He spends so long hanging around here, talking and reminiscing,that heÕs constantly late to other things. Late! Kakashi, stuck-upalways-follow-the-rules Kakashi, is late all the time now. ItÕs crazy how muchheÕs changed, and not just in the obvious ways like getting taller (he has) orsettling down (he hasnÕt). I guess thatÕs what happens when you grow up. Imean, heÕs twenty-six already. Twice as old as IÕll ever be.
       So by now, youÕdthink heÕd be less clueless. Especially considering how heÕs spent thosetwenty-six years. HeÕs been ANBU. A jounin. Practically a legend, even if henever brings that kind of thing up when he talks to me. (HeÕs gotten less smug,too. ThatÕs a nice change.) So you figure in a life like that, you see a lot ofdeath. I know better than anyone how true that is in his case; my name isnÕtthe only one he looks over on his visits here. I tried to guess it once, toestimate it out – how many comrades has he lost, right in front of hiseyes---my eye---our eyes? Is it a hundred? Two hundred? And he always survives,which means heÕs the one carrying around all those last words, coming home totell the wives and kids and parents what happened. Death doesnÕt shock himthese days like it did when we were little – he acted cool, but he waspretty messed up after mine, I know he was. You figure he had to be, if heÕsstill wandering down here to talk to me after all this time, but thatÕs off thepoint.
       The pointis that he doesnÕt get it. He hasnÕt learned. And IÕm not even talking aboutthings that take twenty-six years to figure out – what heÕs missing,somehow, he could have understood thirteen years ago. I mean, he did learn some things from me, I know he did. He doesnÕtmake assumptions like he used to, and he lets the rules slide when thereÕs agood reason, and he looks out for the people that matter to him. He can stillbe a stubborn jerk sometimes, but---well, heÕs Kakashi. WouldnÕt be the same ifhe wasnÕt. If anything, he could be a little more of one and I wouldnÕt hold itagainst him; he gets sentimental a lot, like he doesnÕt remember how much weused to fight, and itÕs a little weird. Then again, I like it better than theway things used to go; the one perk to dying, or at least dying for a goodcause, is that people respect you afterwards – I guess heÕs grown up evenmore than I realized.
       It getsreally obvious sometimes, like when he sits in front of the memorial early inthe morning and tells me about the kids. Not his kids – ten to one says he never has any– but the ones he got stuck training a while back. You know whatÕs funny?He went back and looked it up in the genealogy charts, and apparently one ofthe members of the team he got put in charge of is myÉfirst cousin, onceremoved. Or my half-nephew, or something. Some kind of sorta-relation. ItÕs asmall world, huh? You should see the way he talks about this kid – heÕsproud of him, itÕs obvious, but at the same time heÕs trying not to make mefeel bad, because the kidÕs a prodigy---lived up to the bloodline I was neverreally cut out for. I wish he wouldnÕt tiptoe around it so much, trying not tohurt my feelings, but every now and then he makes some gentle teasing joke andit feels a little more like the Kakashi I used to know. He says he taught himChidori, the technique Sensei was so strict aboutÉ
       Sensei. Hetalks about him too, but itÕs usually on a side topic; itÕs kind of hard tobelieve, but the guy who used to teach us is now such a fixture in thevillageÕs history that heÕs just sort of assumed into a lot of the stories. Thekyuubi, the sealing – itÕs the stuff of legend, and I remember once rightafter it all happened he came down and told me everything. Of course, IÕdalready heard it – word travels fast on this side of things too –but I listened. Now, itÕs that sacrifice that everyone remembers, and thatKakashi talks about, because heÕs teaching the boy Sensei used to seal thecreature away. It seems kinda appropriate. I mean, our teacher taught Kakashi everything. There canÕt be anyone better suited to handlingthe kid Sensei tried so hard to present as a hero.
       Kakashidisagrees.
       Hecomplains, about the three of them. My relative, and the kyuubi-boy, and theirteammate – a smart girl, I guess, but she sounds annoying. Too clingy.ThatÕs one thing Kakashi and I have in common: neither of us likes girls much,for our various reasons. I wonder if itÕd be different if I were older. YoudonÕt think about stuff like that when youÕre just assuming youÕll grow upsomeday, but it seems like a much bigger deal when you know itÕll never happen,yÕknow? Like, I wonder how Rin is doing. I wonder if things turned out okay forher; she must have moved on better than Kakashi did, because I donÕt see muchof her unless I go looking. I didnÕt worry as much when I was around. Plus, Imean, IÕve been thinking about stuff like that lately. Because of Kakashi.
       The reasonI never got interested in girls was that I just didnÕt stick around longenough.
       The reason heÕs not interested is because heÕs fascinated withthis guy. This teacher. Iruka.He says we might have been in the same class; IÕve seen him around, but IÕm notsure about the memory. HeÕs got a weird scar, and youÕd think youÕd remembersomething like that. Then again, when time passes the way it does now, youforget things you wouldnÕt expect to. My whole clanÕs gone – itÕs been acouple of years, but seeing the empty district where we used to live stillcreeps me out. I went back there after it happened, and you know what? IÕdforgotten what my house looked like. My room, the street we were on,everything. So not remembering something doesnÕt mean it wasnÕt there.
       Well,whether he was in our class or not---my class, and RinÕsclass, because Kakashi was already off being a genius at that age---heÕs ateacher now. The academyÕs still set up just like it used to be, same asalways. He works there most days, moonlights in the mission room, stays at worktoo late. I donÕt think Kakashi really ever meant to tell me details like that– he rambles, though, forgets that heÕs talking to anyone but himself andgoes on about whateverÕs on his mind. He talks about how Iruka sits there andstresses out, and the kids know they can only get away with so much when it comesto him, but they all push their limits anyways, just to see if heÕll stretch.He goes on about the way the guy blushes – apparently itÕs like a curseheÕs got, because it happens to him all the time – and how easily he getsflustered. If heÕs anything like Kakashi says, heÕs got my respect, becausefrom what I hear he can scare even the special jounins when he gets in a mood.ThatÕs pretty kickass.
       I donÕtthink itÕs why Kakashi likes him. I think he likes that heÕs enthusiastic andlively and emotional. That makes me laugh, because those are all the things heused to say were annoying about me. I mean, geez, heÕs changed that much? But I really think thatÕs what it is. ThatÕswhat he goes on about, when he loses track of his train of thought, and he getsthis real faraway look in his eye and wonders whether he should back off. TheyhavenÕt done anything, yet. Had dinner or drinks or whatever, once or twice,but not like a date because hedoubts Iruka swings that way anyways. (IÕve watched him a little, figured itwas my right since this was my old teammate obsessing over him---and IÕve got afeeling thatÕs exactly how heswings. But like I said, for a genius, Kakashi can be pretty dense sometimes.)He likes the way Iruka laughs, because itÕs really honest. He likes that heÕs aterrible liar, and that he wears his heart on his sleeve, and that heÕll puthimself on the line for the sake of someone important to him. And itÕs kind ofa relief hearing all this, because it means I actually –did- get throughto him, and if I could IÕd gloat a little about the prodigy Kakashi learningsomething from his clumsy, average-rank comrade. I guess maybe IÕve grown up alittle too, though, because in the end IÕm just happy he gets that part.
Sohe learned what I was saying while I was alive. Good. The part that makes himan idiot is that for all his brooding and all his dwelling on the past, hestill hasnÕt taken away the big lesson of my death. I donÕt think it could getany clearer, either. And it kills me – er, you know – because itÕsso damn obvious that he doesnÕtget it. Whenever he goes on about how he watches them, the kids and the man, Ijust want to smack him. When he came to the memorial one morning a mess, anabsolute –mess-, getting everything off his chest about how one of theother teachers had nearly killed IrukaÉWhen he recounted a battle his team hadbeen drawn into in the wave country, and how my step-whatever had almost beenkilled by a boy with a mask, and he was just a boy, just a kidÉWhen he comes to me with stories like that, thatÕs when itÕs theworst. Because thatÕs when the lesson heÕs ignoring should be the clearest.
 
HedoesnÕt tell them.
Thesepeople, the ones going out there and getting –this- close to killed, theones he comes and talks about because he can only bottle up so much –heÕs gotten attached to them, and he cares about them, and he doesnÕt tellthem.
 
ThatÕswhatÕs so stupid.
 
Heknows by now, I know he knowsbecause he has to know, thatone of these days these people might stop getting almost-killed and get justplain killed, and thatÕll beit. Or he will. HeÕll go on some mission, and thatÕll be the end of him. AndtheyÕll be gone, or heÕll be gone, and itÕll all be unsaid. The kids heÕsalways messing with, the ones he says are so troublesome, arenÕt gonna know hesees them as closer than any of his own could ever be. The boy who reminds himof me and the one who reminds him of Sensei and the girl who, once in a bluemoon, makes him think of Rin---they arenÕt gonna know they were his preciouspeople. And Iruka wonÕt know that Kakashi never pushed for more not because hedidnÕt want it, but because he was afraid to hurt him. He wonÕt know thatKakashi was the one who left the anonymous little gifts on his desk, at theholidays and again on his birthday. There are going to be all these things thatthey never know, and whether he realizes it or not, heÕs gonna regret that fora long long time.
 
Youknow why IÕm so glad with the gift I was able to give him, in the end? Becauseeven he couldnÕt miss what itmeant. I probably couldnÕt have done it in words, but I got to tell him one wayor another that I saw him as a friend. If IÕd died knowing he thought I hatedhimÉI donÕt know how IÕd manage. It means a lot, you know? People have to betold these things. And you canÕt waste time, saying youÕll get around to it,maybe when youÕre having a better day or when theyÕre not still annoyed withyou for being late, or when he doesnÕt look so tired out.
 
Iwish I could just tell him, wave a hand in front of his eyes and point out howdumb heÕs being. How theyÕre going to slip away from him, or he from them, andhow unresolved itÕll all be. But our conversations are all one-way these days,so I just have to wait it out. I stay around and listen, listen to him go onabout the kids and the man and all the loose ends he doesnÕt realize heÕs gonnaleave behind, listen to him be the same frustrating stubborn Kakashi he alwayswas. I think heÕll get it eventually. I hope it comes in time, because I donÕt wantto see him taking on the wounds of his own unfinished business. Regrets arehell when you really, really canÕt fix the things you messed up.
 
ButitÕll click. Maybe itÕll take another close call, on his part or theirs, but Ibet he realizes what he needs to do, and when we eventually meet up over here,he wonÕt have to sulk about all the things he should have said.
Imean, he may be an idiot, but heÕs kind of a genius too.

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