Chapter 12 - Vietnam Journal: The Journal of a Rambling Man

Vietnam Journal: The Journal of a Rambling Man


This is a journal or rather the thoughts of a soldier in Vietnam, his rambling thoughts the pieces of the puzzle of his life. He thinks there was an ulterior motive of a girl he thinks he had loved. But he won’t admit to himself that he had loved her or even let himself figure out if he did love her at all . . .



I took out a cigarette from my pocket and put it in my mouth, and took a long drag on it savoring the flavor of it. I sigh and take another drag as I look around at the men beside me in the ditch. I wonder what was going on what I was waiting for. 'We are waiting, waiting for something, anything but I didn't know what, I wish I did though maybe then I'd know what I was looking for. We're all fighting for something or against it.
All I know is I'm here to get away, get away from it all. Back home all I can think of is well what it's like to be home and how much I despise it. It never seems to go away. I came here maybe subconsciously I want to die, maybe that's why I came. I can't think of what I want though. It seems we always want what we can't have but I don't know what I want so maybe that means I think I can have anything I want? Probably not, I'm sure if I set my mind to it I could think of something I could want . . .
Well like I wanted her, that girl. But I don't anymore. She was too elusive or maybe reclusive is the word I'm looking for. At one point I could tell she liked me or she wanted something from me. She just kept wanting to meet me or go out with me. Then one day I called her to ask if she wanted to do anything and she never answered my messages. At first I didn't mind but then it started to bug me, why did she even want to be with me in the first place? It drove me crazy, bugging me all day long. What did she want? I think I'll never know.
I had written her a letter, told her I had joined Vietnam. I wondered if she would ever get the letter or read it, or even answer it? I hoped she would, maybe then I'd know what she wanted from me. I can always hope I guess. I seem to be obsessing but I just can't figure it out. I'll probably end up getting killed this way. Maybe that's what I want deep down. I put out my cigarette on the bottom of my boot still transfixed in thought.
It would be night soon I think, as I looked up at the amber red sky. We’re supposed to sleep in this ditch until the helicopter shows up. IF it ever does, stranded in the dark surrounded by unknown territory. I must stay alert. I think as I look around a bit panicked. I don’t want to die I conclude or else I wouldn’t be so nervous. I shook my head trying to banish the thoughts from my head I concentrated on the land around me trying to keep my mind from wandering. I give up laying back against the wall of the trench.
I think I hear thunder or maybe it was a gunshot, I don’t know. My stay here so far has been tediously long. The hours drag on forever waiting, and watching for nothing or maybe something. I never seem to know what, neither does anyone else. I let myself wander back, back to home as I think of her. It’s all I did back home so why should here be any different? I think of her wondering why, Why did she like me? I remember her saying one night that she thought she loved me, and that she didn’t know if she liked the thought. I was offended at the time but then I thought, Do I want to her to love me? Then I’d have to love her back. I shook my head and thought of her thinking if I could love her, I decided no she was to something. I can’t figure out just what.
Her name was, not important. Mine is equally unimportant but mine is Grant, and hers was Alice. I always pictured her with blonde hair but hers was a dark shade of black almost blue. Her eyes were grey, she had a dark feel I didn’t like it, it scared me. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t love her. I was scared of her, intimidated. She had liked me, I guess maybe I had turned her away without knowing it. But I have to admit I liked being liked, so maybe that’s why I think I liked her.
I sighed, one more thought of her and I was going to go crazy I tried to think of anything but her, but it was no use I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Night fell and I fell asleep, which was probably a mistake on my part but I lived through the night so did everyone else. When I woke up I, looked around we were still waiting for the helicopter.
As I became more alert, I had an epiphany, The thought of her seemed to make me feel as if I’d die without knowing true love, and I realized there is no such thing as true love, there’s love, there’s lust and there’s like but nothing is ever true. The lies are deeper and run through you like a river, the truth is shallow and simply grazes the top. Love is a lie and I can’t believe the truth, there’s always doubt and it hangs over me torturing me as I fight in this war and am left to think of what life would be like if it were different. I got up slowly and made my way to my gear and washed my face with the water from my canteen and dried off my face and looked up at the sun. My life is meaningless to anyone but me, so this life is for my own amusement and I’ll do what I wish with it I think as I board the helicopter after its arrival and it takes me to somewhere only the pilot knows.

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