Humor of Life

You know you’re on stress overload when:

* You start talking to plants- for advice.
* You’ve chewed all your own fingernails and are eyeing your spouses
* You’ve developed a twitch- to go with your other four.
* You start making simple spelling errors- like in your name.
* You find the startling noise of your neighbors fluffing their pillow makes you jump
* Your dog posts a sign that says "Beware of human"
* You’ve been watching the television for hours- and the set isn’t even turned on.
* You have an attack of road rage- and you haven’t even left your driveway.

A few inescapable truths are:

* If it sounds too good to be true and is destined to turn out not to be true, you just invested in it.
* For every win-win situation, there’s a third party without a win- that would be you.
* If you put your best foot forward a baby stroller will roll over it.
* The best things in life are free but the ones intended for you will be delivered to the wrong house.
* If you see a shooting star it will be in the moments before it lands on you.
* If everything’s coming up roses, you’re at your own funeral.

You know its going to be a bad day when:

* You return from vacation and there’s a new name on your mailbox
* You stop at Motel 6 and they turn of the lights.
* Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat
* You jump out of bed and miss the floor.
* The bird singing outside your bedroom window is a buzzard.
* Your horn gets stuck and your on a freeway behind a group of Hells Angels.
* You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
* You call the answering machine service and they tell you its none of your business.
* Your income tax check bounces.
* You step on your scale and it flashes "Tilt! Tilt! Tilt!"
* The suicide prevention hotline puts you on hold.
* You call the suicide prevention hotline and Dr. Kevorkian answers.
* You call the suicide prevention but miss-dial and call the Nike sales line instead, and they tell you "Just Do It".
* As a moving van unloads, the first four items down the ramp are dirt bikes.
* Your brakes go out just when a patrolman asks you to pull over.
* The university where you’ve willed your body to science tells you they'd rather not wait.

You know you’re depressed when:

* The cloud that’s been following you has been picked up by the Doplar Radar and will be featured on the 6 o'clock news.
* You start crying uncontrollably during the bonus round of jeopardy.
* You’ve driven 68 miles on a freeway with your left turn signal blinking.
* The most exciting part of your day is counting paint granules on your ceiling.
* You’ve ordered every product on every infomercial ever featured on TV. Twice.
* While talking to yourself, you realize you’re not interested in what you have to say.

You may feel downhearted when:

* Your credit card gets rejected at a car wash.
* You win some sort of sweepstakes but you mistake the prize patrol for Jehovah’s witnesses and don’t open the door.
* The employer who three months ago said you were in disposable suddenly disposes of you.
* Your daughter elopes with the leader of a motorcycle gang who has twice as many tattoos as brain cells.
* You’re the lead car of a 100 car pile-up.
* You discover your date has a mate in another state.
* Your electric company turns of the power in the middle of a dinner party with your new in-laws.
* You’re at the end of your rope- and you suddenly realize its a live electric wire and you’re standing in water.

Did you know that:

* For every action there’s an equal and opposite government program
* When driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
* If you think no one cares you exist, try missing a few bills.