Personal Rant #1

*Words in bold are code-names.

I have not had a good day, and I just need this space to rant and scream about it.

I am a junior in high school, and I am in the school chorus. I have been singing with school groups since third grade straight, and I want to be a famous singer someday. But obviously, I am not good enough.

Today our teacher Sensei was out of school, and we had a substitute. (I don't know his name, but everyone called him Cookie .) Anyway, a girl with first lunch (at my school, we have Lunch A and B) came into class to help get up all warmed up and stretched out for singing and dancing. She's Italian, so I'll code-name her Giovanni , cuz it sounds cool. Sensei left Giovanni in charge of warming us up before she went to lunch, and that went off just fine. It was when she left the room and let me take over that it all went downhill. One of the boys, Cracker didn't know the steps to one song we were doing. Bigs and Ketchup (the other two boys) and all of the girls were all talking at once to try and teach him. I was sitting at the piano, trying to get everyone back under control. We finally got settled down, and I played some of the notes to make sure evryone knew them. I wasn't getting mean or trying to be rude or anything (more on that later) but I was just trying to be helpful. Besides, no one else was stepping up to the plate - or piano, as it were.

At lunch, the girls in the soprano section were supposed to have a sectional - that's when we all spend lunch in the chorus room trying to get everything right with our part. Everyone was stressed and stuff, and Daisuke and Aaron (two of the sporanos) had to leave. We don't have very many people at our school, so our chorus is very small. I decided to try and cancel the sectional because there really was no point in having it if half of our section was gone. So then Comet walked up, and she started screaming at me! I'm the soprano leader, it's perfectly within my right to do that!

Then Flower walked up to me afterwards, and she's this really tiny freshman, and she says "You canceled the sectional? I really needed help, and I look up to you, and I really need this." I felt so hurt that I could do such a thing! A very tiny part of me was thinking 'Finally, someone's gives a frack about how hard you try, someone's finally acknowledging that you're good at something' , but the rest of me was thinking 'I'm not good enough for people to need me; I can't do this.' And all I could do was apologize and walk away.

So I'm sitting outside at a picnic table eating my salad (yummy salad, BTW) and crying into Tomodachi's shoulder, and she's sitting there with two other girls, just listening to me. Then Nani and Charles (the two girls) see Comet walk by with Shamu . Nani walks up to her and says something along the lines of "See? Because of you, she's crying." Then Comet says something like "Fine, I hope she bawls her fracking eyes out" and walks off. Then, she and Shamu are sitting over at the next picnic table, and Shamu gets into a screaming fight with Tomodachi , and Shamu starts screaming about "Oh, she thinks she's so perfect! She's so rude and controlling! We didn't tell her what a rotten job she was doing trying to get us to do our work in chorus because we were trying to be nice!" I am NOT perfect. I have never thought I was perfect. I have been hurt and mistreated by everyone in my life from third grade, right up through seventh, and it's gotten worse since then. I'm not even good enough to deserve life on this fracked-up planet! Then Shamu says "You haven't lived a crappy life like I have, so you can't fracking judge me for what I fracking say and do!" which of course makes me cry harder.

A couple minutes later, Comet walks up and tries to make peace while Shamu walks over to another girl and starts doging about me to her. Then everyone - me, Comet, Tomodachi, Nani, Charles, and a boy I'm gonna call Peace start talking about it. I met Shamu years ago, and I thought she was my friend. But since that first summer we met, she's become dogy (NO ONE likes her, everyone just pretends to be her friend; I'm surprised I'm still giving a rat's @$$ about her) and slutty (she keeps talking about all of the guys she's dated, and how many times she's fracked with them - the way she's going, I won't be surprised if she wakes up one day with AIDS). That made me feel a little better, but my emotions are like a piece of paper - you can crush it in less that a second, but it takes a long time to smooth it back out, and even then it won't be as smooth as it was before.

I swear, what the hell is up with this?! I try SO HARD to keep thing's running smoothly when Sensei isn't around, and all I get is people doging about me! You know what, if that's the way it's gunna be, then FINE! I'M NEVER frackING SINGING EVER frackING AGAIN!!!!!!