Nothing works.

and here i am again having spent a hell of a lot of time and energy on something for nothing.
man it feels like that a lot lately. I couldn't be more frustrated sometimes, i feel as if i should be satisfied with where i am and look forward to what i have ahead of me, but right now i just feel frustrated at everything i do and I feel like i'm walking with no damn direction anymore.
I find it an all time low that I am doing homework, merely because I do not have anything more productive or fun to do.
It is Saturday night, I'm hardly an early starter, I'm certain several other kids , namely the group of smart ones, will have had their essays written out several days ago. This, although a form of procrastination is not procrastination at its finest. I've heard stories of people who completed five pages of work literally hours before having to go in. When i say that I mean anything from at 2 a.m the night before class, to an hour before having to leave.
The fact is, I could wait until later to complete this, much much later, if i so chose, I have all of tomorrow; but I am writing at least the first draft out now because I just don't have anything more entertaining to do in my life then sit here , and write in this journal entry and complete my homework.
I feel as if at this moment, I have discovered the meaning of all time low. I've spent my past 3 or so weekends sitting home alone, playing the xbox watching television, and doodling like a five year old. and here at this moment, it feels as if its just now that it manages to hit me. Maybe its because I've turned seventeen, and that age forces you to think about how your childhood has been, after all, you are beginning to leave it behind.
I'm only seventeen since august, but I feel somewhere in between I wish i could change, and I'm ready to move on.
At the very least, I am comforted by the fact that my long term relationship situation could not hit a lower standard.
I've officially been ditched without word or explanation from my "Lover" I think over two months is long enough to say that. The only reason my long term "trusted bff 4 life" ever calls me now, is if she needs someone to vent to or feel sorry for her and absolutely no-one else will pick up the phone. If not that , i'm sure its to do her best to make me feel inferior to whatever she is occupied in.
My other "long term nieghbor bff" , although somehow managing to now be the friend i talk to more for once, is moving , and when i say moving I mean going to be gone long enough for me to almost never see her again.
I couldn't tell you how tired i am of hearing the word "drunk" from them, and I couldn't tell you how sick to death I am of their immaturity about secrets they think they are keeping and drugs and boys.
It seems ironic to me, that The person I am studying as far as life views is a little like me.
When i say this I mean, I really don't see life as a golden land filled with opportunities, sometimes I hate life in itself, and I hate being here. But that isn't what i tell other people. Its not like I lie to them, I never said to them I always saw the glass as half full, thats how they see me, but I don't mind.
If I know someone who just isn't feeling great I tell them to always see the light at the end of the tunnel, "good things are coming" i say "it can't get to bad" i say "Life always has lemons" i tell them.
I'm not sure if that makes me a liar or if it makes me aggravating, either way that causes people to see me as someone who thinks there Is always something good in life to look forward to. I don't even know what to say to anyone lately, everything is just to damn stubborn.
I feel like I'm walking in circles , I don't know what I want out of my life , all i can think of is this vague misty idea.
the worst part is that this seems to be a critical part in my life where I need to know. Not just because of my age, but because in College courses they obviously expect you to know where you want to go and what you want for your future. If it wasn't clear enough in the assignments, It was restated again in the "group work together" talk. I mean, i'm just not one for talking with a group, which at this point might be to my advantage, but, I feel like a fish flipping around in a desert around all these people. They have direction force , a future that they want, at seventeen I really should to.
I shouldn't feel so dead.
by physical means, i'm alive; I'm breathing and walking, and sustaining my health moderately. So then whats wrong with me?
I've never really been in one place at one time, at least not, mentally. I've got no idea how to explain this because I don't understand it, but a part of me is always off thinking or distracted, almost never thinking about the present.
But lately I've found my ability to focus has gone from two to nothing. Night isn't relaxing, its the literal definition of a cold day in hell.
Its cold, its dark, I hate the dark because I am terrified of it, and all I can ever think about is the mistakes I've made and the things that will never come true for me. There is never a time in my day where I feel as powerless, which is a part of why I am probably up until I can stand forcing my self awake no longer, and I know the moment I close my eyes I'll slip away.
But then again, the dreams are getting vivid, and worse to.
I know they are worse, because this is the third night I've only woken up because I mentally propelled myself out of them.
I know so, because I wake up reaching for something and moving my arms and saying things.
They aren't so random they are silly any more, they are terrible and long.
I'm yelling "stop it" or "help me" but nobody can hear me.
If this keeps up, I'm going to have to start explaining to everyone why I woke up one morning batting at my pillow and telling it to help me.
I'd better pray not to drift off in class.
I am afraid for myself, I can't go any more into that, because although I've never told anyone, and I know nobody will read this, Its very difficult for me to face.
I'd like to think its because i'm lying to myself , or that i'm being dramatic, but I know that isn't true.
I know I can't talk about it, because I'm afraid of what people will think. I know I will never tell anyone, because it is simply to humiliating to admit how weak I am.
If I think about it, it makes no sense logically , because plenty of people have said the same thing, and I wished beyond anything that they wouldn't feel it, and although a part of me was angry for thinking it, a much larger part would've done anything to prevent their minds from thinking that way.
I'm not sure if he could read me, again, if i think about it, he could for some bits.
But I don't think he could see past what I didn't want him to.
I don't think anyone ever has.
If i thought he did, or for that matter, anyone else, I would be really embarassed to know it, but, maybe on one hand, It would be such a relief.
an entire burden, a container of sorts a sack of a lie.
Maybe on one hand, it would be nice if there was someone I could tell.
But for now, I'll have to help myself.
Its not so bad, I'm used to it, how can I even complain.
Anyhow, I don't feel like sharing all of this for my friends, so if you sir or madam, who belongs to FAC and if you happen to go through blogs, if you are out there.. I am sincere in my apology, for having wasted your time with pointless rambling, I do ramble when i write you know. You must understand, that of the many people in this world, I am one of the people who just has nobody to tell all of this to, no shoulder to lean on at this time. Aside from that, I simply wouldn't want to spend so long telling it to someone who honestly doesn't want to hear it. To explain it shortly, theres nobody I know who wants to sit still and listen to me dog and be there to hold my hand.
I'm not a sharer, I don't share.
So if you happen to be out there thats all I have to say to you.
If you so choose for some reason to keep reading, so be it, I'm glad you find interest in my random train of thoughts.
I'm wrapping up here, Its mostly because I don't have anything productive. But I really don't want to try going to sleep.
I feel so tired, like i could pass out right now, but I know as soon as I lie down all those thoughts will come back and i'll know in the meantime, someone in a different country, will be sleeping sound as a cat in the summer sun.
I don't like to think about it, how well he is doing compared to me. what makes it the worst, is that I know he knows that this sort of thing is the sort of thing that I hate more then anything.
I'm not sure what his mode of thinking was, if this was out of spite, i just can't think of anything I might've done to provoke it.
sure, i wasn't the best. I didn't know anything about sex, I didn't take any hints, I didn't know what to say to be romantic so it just ended up sounding either creepy or just pain bizarre.
but it isn't like I wasn't trying.
Just because it comes easy for him doesn't mean it came easy for me. I didn't sound like an idiot on purpose, If i could take some of the things i confessed back I would. I would do anything, in fact, to take back all of those things i shared. They weren't from a movie or any clever lines, they were just the way I thought and saw the relationship, it made me happy, so i thought that sharing my thoughts would make us happy, I thought you were supposed to tell alot of things about how you felt to the person you were with.
I wish someone would've warned me not to.
I know its childish, but some days i just want to scream and cry and yell that its not fair. Its not fair that I didn't know how to handle it, its not fair that he wouldn't tell me what I was doing wrong, its not fair that i still tried as hard as i could but just got hurt.
its not fair.
I don't suppose you could point out what was wrong with me, even with all of the therapists in the world. It doesn't matter if you had every therapist in the world, I would lie to them.
I lie to people I know want information from me, out of some strange habit, I purposely do everything I can to prevent them from obtaining it from me, or letting them know i have it.
If i could go back in time and ask him one thing I would want to ask two things.
But seeing as I couldn't do that I suppose the circle would be
why would you do it this way when you know that it kills me.
I never thought you were heartless, and i've never done anything on purpose to hurt you, if your going to do it anyway, couldn't you find an easier way?
My life has gone downhill as it is, and you can't at least land a soft blow?
I've been getting over this problem for so many years now, this isn't like you.
I don't know if you just don't care enough to change it, but if you've done this out of hate then you've won against me.
I've got nothing to throw back at you and I couldn't hurt you even if I was driven to it.
So you earn the prize, I couldn't feel worse about whats happened, I can no longer sleep at night, the memories and self hate you've installed in me haunt my nightmares, and i spend my day wondering what i ever did to you in the first place.
So congradulations, because I wont be able to do this for much longer.
If you've done it this way because you just don't care enough to change it
then you can give yourself a pat on the back and keep playing the xbox and working at a retail store. as the matter of fact, don't even bat an eyelid at this.
because there is nothing I have to say to you that would pique your interest.
I know you are not genuinely this busy
I may be naive but I have not been dropped on my head as a baby.
I just wish you'd spare me this hell, and tell me the honest truth.
I have no more theories tonight, because I simply do not understand the way your sex thinks.
you, i thought i knew, but this new human, I can't say i do.
I had hoped we could still just be friends, and if you felt like even that was spending to much time with me, I would understand that idea.
I will never understand the way a man works, he must run like a clock , ticking inside until one day the gear turns in another direction, and it is as if the gears were never turning in the first direction at all.
for now all I know is the thoughts and memories in my head, I suppose I'll have to wait until they straighten themselves out one day, and make sense of each other. let it be soon.

good night room, I will see you again soon.