More Endangered Critique

... For an idiot writer.

Well, I read over this story, Kimmy, and I have quite a critique for you.

In a story, it's best if you use colorful words (no, not swearwords) in order to paint a picture in the readers' mind. Right now, you're using simple words, as if you were writing a children's book. As you were obviously trying to go for something darker than that, it's best if you used vocabulary to match your audience's reading level.

Another thing that I'm gonna have to ding you on is the name of the villain. Kimmy? Why Kimmy? The name seems boring, and easily forgotten. When trying to come up with names for major characters, I would suggest a name that seems more memorable, but not cliche. If Kimmy owns a castle, why doesn't she have a title? How did she get the castle? Why does she have supernatural powers?

You can't leave the reader to guess on certain matters. You should at least give hints as to why things are the way they are.

One final note on your story;

Your characters seem very... flat, and boring. There, I said it. They have no life in them. None of them. Every character just sounds the same to me, in terms of voice, and because of this, said-characters blend together into one towering cooking pot of sludge-y mess, until it boils over, and I am forced to fall asleep.

Working on these things can help you improve how you write.