300

A Chat Between Two Brothers

BOROMIR: S’up.

FARAMIR: My beloved older brother back from an entirely different movie the dead!

BOROMIR: Look, kid, we gotta talk. Are you absolutely sure you want to do this whole sword-and-sandals thing?

FARAMIR: Well, why not? It can’t turn out any worse than Van Helsing.

BOROMIR: You sure? Because with these ancient epic dealies, you’re going to end up prancing around in skirts looking stupid, and you’re still probably going to bomb at the box office.

FARAMIR: Yeah, but we’ve thought of a way to get around that.

BOROMIR: How? We had big budgets! Actual sets! Oscar nominees! We had Brad Pitt, and all you’ve got are That Other Guy from Troy and the Phantom of the Opera!
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
FARAMIR: We have homoerotic leather-Speedo slo-mo.

BOROMIR: …

FARAMIR: …

BOROMIR: Godspeed, little brother.



Faramir Explains It All

FARAMIR: We Spartans are hard, strong, strongly hard and hardily strong—the greatest warriors the world has ever known, with our fearsome manliness and our mansome fearliness. We throw babies off cliffs and beat our children with reeds until they learn not to cry, and then, when a boy is old enough to walk, we throw him out into the cold, to the frostbite and the wolves, and if he doesn’t come back, then TOO BAD. Spartans have no toes! SPARTANS NEED NO TOES! And then, once a boy has proven himself to be totally hardcore, he returns to us a man. And thus, Leonidas slew the biggest bunch of pixels anyone had ever seen in a dark, foreshadowy ravine and returned to us a king.



Sparta, Today

[A Persian emissary and his posse ride with threatening magnificence into Sparta. Very, very slowly.]

SOME PERSIAN: King Leonidas! We come in the name of Xerxes the God-King!

[The woman at Leonidas’s side expresses her disdain.]
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SOME PERSIAN: Who is this pitiful she-creature who dares flip Persia the Double Deuce?

LEONIDAS: That’s my queen, Gorgo.

SOME PERSIAN: “Gorgo”? Seriously?

QUEEN GORGO: *snarls*

SOME PERSIAN: Yeah… so, anyway… kneel at the feet of Xerxes and he shall spare your collective @$$ a mighty kicking. Of course, if you do, you'll be wussier than the Athenians, so...

LEONIDAS: Athenians? Those philosophers! Bleeding-heart Liberals! Boy-lovers!

SOME PERSIAN: Wait… so… you guys aren’t…?

LEONIDAS: Hell no! We’re just cousins.
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[The Persian looks around to see various mostly-naked Spartans with entire cases of polished abs, practicing their spear-thrusting and their cape-swishing in hopes of “beautiful deaths.”]

STELIOS: Hey, Faramir, could you help me with this baby oil?

FARAMIR: Only if I can borrow your eyeliner!

SOME PERSIAN: You’re all cousins?

LEONIDAS: Yeah. What’d you want again?

SOME PERSIAN: Submission to an omnipotent god-king…?

LEONIDAS: Why don’t we take a friendly walk to the pit?



Sparta, Ten Years Ago

LEONIDAS: Hello, Home Depot? Can you give me some prices on a bottomless pit?



Sparta, Today

SOME PERSIAN: Wait, is this a bottomless pit…?

LEONIDAS: THIS IS SPARRRTAAAAAAA!

SOME PERSIAN: I know, that’s why we’re h—
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LEONIDAS: *BOOT*

SOME PERSIAN: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!



The Temple at the Top of Mount Dangerous

LEONIDAS: O teenage oracle, I come to ask the gods if we may go to righteous war.

SOME LEPROUS EPHOR: Okay, here’s how this works: You pay us a bunch of gold, and then we go fire up the patchouli and sex up Teen Oracle over there—

LEONIDAS: Ew.

SOME LEPROUS EPHOR: —and then she flails around and mumbles for a while and then we tell you what she said, which may or may not be what you wanted to hear, and may not even be what she actually said.

LEONIDAS: Hey, is that Persian gold over there?
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SOME LEPROUS EPHOR: LOOK, ORACLE NIPS!



The King’s Palace, Night

[Leonidas is all emo about the oracle putting the ixnay on his war plans, so…]

GORGO: Bom… chickaaaaa… wowwwwww…?
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[…his queen cheers him up with sex. Very, very slowly.]



Sparta Goes to War Anyway

[The characters we will spend the rest of the movie with are assembled: Leonidas, the kingly one! Faramir, the talky one! The Captain, That Guy from Troy! The Captain’s Son, the cute one! Stelios, the hot one! Councilor Theron, the evil one!]

COUNCILOR THERON: You can’t go to war! I’LL GO TELL THE EPHORS ON YOU!

LEONIDAS: I’m not going to war! I’m just going down to the corner store!

COUNCILOR THERON: With…

LEONIDAS: Three hundred of my closest friends, yes.

THE CAPTAIN: ALL RIGHT, YOU MAGGOTS, STROLL!

[And thus, the noble Spartans go off to meet their destiny to the tune of some kid tootling on his double flute, their fabled war chant fading into the distance:]
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
300 SPARTANS: I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’VE BEEN TOLD
BUT SPARTANS REALLY LIKE TO STROLL!

[Very, very slowly.]



One Final Goodbye

[Queen Gorgo gives her husband her most prized possession to wear as his own, as a symbol of her love: the Evenclaw.]
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
GORGO: Come back with your shield or ON IT, dog.

LEONIDAS: Aww, I love you too, honey.



Some Spartan Village

[The Persians have already been through, burninating the thatched roof cottages and stringing all the peasants up into a really grody Tree of the Dead. Our Lady of Soundtrack Sorrow wails in the distance.]
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
LEONIDAS: Oh, this is so not on.



The Arcadians Join Up

SOME ARCADIAN: We are impressed neither by your numbers nor your Speedos, but we have come to fight anyway.

LEONIDAS: What. Ever. We have three hundred of the mansomest men to ever man something. What do you have?

SOME ARCADIAN: Well, we have the Deployment of Butchers and the Militia of Bakers and—
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
LEONIDAS: Look, if those guys are the Fighting Candlestick Makers, you can all just go home right now.

ARCADIANS: *hang heads*



Thermopylae-by-the-Sea

[The Spartans sit up on a cliff and gleefully watch a storm pwn the Persian ships. Well… some of them.]
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
GUITARS OF WAR: *shred*



Last-Minute Improvements

[Yet another Persian emissary has come to negotiate with the Spartans, only to find them reinforcing their defensive wall with the bodies of Some Persian and his entourage, which I guess the Bottomless Pit coughed back up. Some Other Persian mouths off, so Stelios flips out like ninja, trampoleaps up to the Persian’s parade float and shears off his arm. Slowly.]
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SOME ONE-ARMED PERSIAN: OKAY, NOW YOU’RE JUST SHOWING OFF!



The Hunchback of Notre Damn, He Fug

[The whole time, some hunchback has been creeping along, stealthily following the Spartans. Of course, he probably would have been stealthier had he not been dragging an iron shield and spear the whole way.]

QUASIGOLLUM: Please, King Leonidas! I beg you, after all these years, to finally let me be one of you and have… the precious.

LEONIDAS: Which is…?

QUASIGOLLUM: A uniform!
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
LEONIDAS: dog, get a job at McDonald’s!

QUASIGOLLUM: But—but—I thrust really good! I can yell “SPARRRTAAAAAA!” really loud!
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
LEONIDAS: Look, Gollumodo, you can’t fight in my army, and you can’t be in my opera!

QUASIGOLLUM: I THOUGHT YOU’D UNDERSTAAAAAND!



The Hot Gate

THE CAPTAIN: So you think we can hold a million Persians off with just three hundred guys?

LEONIDAS: Well, with this bottleneck as their only way in, we can just pick them off a dozen at a time. I just hope no one tells them about the goat path that would allow them to surround the Gate and pwn us, yea verily, even unto gnarly annihilation.
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
THE CAPTAIN: We could wall that up, I guess.

LEONIDAS: Nah, don’t worry about it. I’m sure Gollumodo back there won’t betray us or anything.



Xerxes, the God-King of Persia

[The God-King of Persia rolls up on his Antelope Throne to represent. Xerxes is seven feet tall and fabulous.]
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
XERXES: BOW TO ME.

LEONIDAS: Why should we?

XERXES: Our culture is far superior to yours.

LEONIDAS: Girl, please—give me one example.

XERXES: My panties are made of solid gold.
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
THE CAPTAIN: You know, they are pretty fierce—

LEONIDAS: SHUT UP.

XERXES: If you refuse to submit, I will wipe every trace of Sparta from this earth! No one will even remember that you existed!

LEONIDAS: Yeah? Then how do you explain this movie?

XERXES: GAHHHH.



The Battle Begins

LEONIDAS: SPARRRTAAAAAA!

300 SPARTANS: FREEDOMMMMM!

[There is lots of slo-mo thrusting and twirling and spearitation and beheaditude. Also, I’m pretty sure that one of the Spartans capes a guy to death.]
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
OUR LADY OF SOUNDTRACK SORROW: *air guitar*



Xerxes, the God-King of Persia

XERXES: Bow to me.

LEONIDAS: No.

XERXES: Bow to me.

LEONIDAS: NO.

XERXES: BOW TO ME.

LEONIDAS: SPARRRTAAAAAA!
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
XERXES: *facepalm*



Camp, That Night

[The Spartans mend their man panties while instructing the younger soldiers in the finer points of Spartanry.]
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
THE CAPTAIN: See, it’s the wristguards that are the most important. You can walk off a spear to the six-pack pretty easy, but once you get repetitive-thrust carpal tunnel, it’s all over.



Battle, Day 2

LEONIDAS: SPARRRTAAAAAA!

300 SPARTANS: FREEDOMMMMM!

PERSIAN ORCS: *die*

PERSIAN HORSES: *die*

PERSIAN FIGHTING RHINOS: *die*

KABUKI NINJAS: *die*
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BOMBS: *die*

[And then the Persians unleash… THE OLIPHAUNTS.]

LEONIDAS: Okay, Faramir, this is your area of expertise. Suggestions?

FARAMIR: I say we break out the Tiny White Mice.
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
TINY WHITE MICE: DEAAAAAAATH!

OLIPHAUNTS: *run shrieking*

[And then, while Stelios and the Captain’s Sonios are heckling each other triumphantly, Some Persian Guy totally rides by out of nowhere and whacks Sonios’s head off.]

FARAMIR: OH NO HE DI-IN’T!
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
STELIOS: *Z snap formation*

[The Captain loses his fool mind, breaks ranks, and starts stabbing Persians left and right.]
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
LEONIDAS: Did we not beat him enough as a child?



Camp, That Night

[Our Lady woodles softly.]
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
THE CAPTAIN: I just feel so awful because—

FARAMIR: —it was your idea to bring Sonios in the first place?

STELIOS: —he died a virgin?
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
LEONIDAS: —Sparrrtaaaaaa…?

THE CAPTAIN: I—I never told him that I loved him!

299 SPARTANS: *sob*



Betrayal!

[Gollumodo goes to Xerxes’ camp to betray the Spartans, where he finds the Great God Pan kicking out the sitar jams while a bunch of freaky naked chicks in chains are lesbing all over each other.]
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
QUASIGOLLUM: I just want a uniform! I just want to belong!

XERXES: I have a velvet party hat. Can you make do with a party hat?

QUASIGOLLUM: Oh, benevolent Xerxes!



All Is Lost

[Sonios is dead, obviously, and allegedly a few other Spartans have been killed but we didn’t know them so it doesn’t matter. Faramir has lost an eye in battle, but he’s still pretty, so it’s okay. However, Quasigollum’s betrayal has been revealed to the Spartans, and Leonidas knows he must send someone back.]

FARAMIR: But—it’s not fair! I wanna have a beautiful thrusty death like the rest of you!

LEONIDAS: I know, I know. [Putting hand on Faramir’s shoulder] But someone has to go back to Sparta, or we’ll have no one to narrate the movie.

FARAMIR [sadly]: Arrrrr.
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
LEONIDAS: Here, take the Evenclaw back to my queen. She will understand.

FARAMIR’S ONE EYE: *tear*



The Council of Sparta

QUEEN GORGO: I come to you as a woman, and a wife, and a mother, and presumably a daughter, and maybe a sister but the movie doesn’t really get into that, to beg you tenderly, delicately, on behalf of the women of Sparta to MAKE PERSIA BLEED.

COUNCIL GUY: Councilor Theron, your rebuttal?

COUNCILOR THERON: I raped her, she’s a whore!

COUNCIL GUY: My queen, your closing statement?
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[Gorgo guts Theron like a fish. As he flails, Persian gold falls out of his purse.]

COUNCIL GUY: So… war it is, then!



Battle, Day 3

FARAMIR: And thus, the brave and noble Spartan band made its last stand.

SOME PERSIAN NEGOTIATOR: It is time to submit to the divine and omnipotent Xerxes, fools.

LEONIDAS: NICE HAT, Gollumodo.

QUASIGOLLUM: *hangs head*

FARAMIR: And despite all the time we spent thundering on about strength and manliness and manly strengthliness, Leonidas feels that his helmet is so stifling… his shield is so heavy… and then he actually punks out and kneels WTF?
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[In reality, Leonidas is kneeling so he can launch a Steliosault at the negotiator dude—]

FARAMIR: It was stifling… it was heavy… because it got in the way of kicking @$$. I mean, I wasn’t there or anything, but I’m pretty sure that’s what happened.

[—and then hurl a spear at Xerxes himself, which cuts the corner of Xerxes’ mouth. I don’t know if you’ve ever gotten 24-karat panties in a bunch, but it’s not pleasant.]
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
XERXES: SMEAR MY LIP LINER?! dog I TAKE YOU DOWN!!!

[All the Spartans go down, thrusting nobly and mansomely to the end. Leonidas’s last thoughts are of Gorgo:]

LEONIDAS: My warrior woman… my valkyrie. You'll always… be mine, always and… never, baby. There’s no place in this world for… our kind of… fire…

[Realizing that Leonidas has slipped off into the haze of some other movie death, the Persians put him and the other Spartans out of their misery. Arrows fall, everyone dies.]

LEONIDAS: Sparrr… taaaaa. [death nod]



That Rousing Final Battle Speech Someone Always Gives

FARAMIR: Usually it’s my brother or the returning king of Gondor who gives this speech, so I’m pretty excited about this.

[The rest of the Spartan army is lined up to face the Persians. Oh, and they also have 20,000 Greeks at their backs.]

FARAMIR: Not like that. Well, maybe like that… later.

[Faramir turns to address the thousands of men prepared to do battle in defiance of tyranny, or for the bonds of fellowship, or something.]

FARAMIR: What are we fighting for?

SOME MACEDONIAN: Freedommmm?

SOME MYCENAEAN: Middle-Earth?

SOME CORINTHIAN: Scotland?

SOME ATHENIAN: A unique democracy that will give birth to the future Western Civilization?

FARAMIR: NO, YOU MORONS! For SPARRRTAAAAAAA!
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[Thirty thousand Greeks charge into battle to the thundering strains of the Guitars of War... very, very slowly.]

FIN.