Funny stuff.

Some are like "OK" but besides those its hilarious! XD >3




if the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?

How come we say 'It's colder than h3!! outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than h3!! since h3!! is supposed to be fire and brimstone?

Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?

What happens if you put “this side up” face down while popping microwave popcorn?

If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?

Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?

What happens if your snot freezes in your nose?

Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to eat a big one?

Since there is a rule that states "i" before "e" except after "c", wouldn't "science" be spelled wrong?

Can someone give up lent for lent?

Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?

How do they get the air inside the bubble wrap?

What happens when you say “hi” to your friend on an airplane who's name is Jack?

Why do people who don’t want to go to h3!! bury themselves 6 ft. closer?

If a criminal turns himself in shouldn't he get the reward money?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why does "lake" come first (Lake Michigan) and "river" come second (Mississippi River)?

If the weather man says "it's a 50% chance of rain" does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?

If Sunday is the holy day of rest why do we have to get up early for church?

Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?

Since the U.S. says United We Stand, does that offend legless people?

Don’t you find it weird we teach our kids: scrub a dub dub, three men in a tub?

Did you know there is a page 666 in The Bible?

If your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say fire at will?

Why is there an L in NOEL?

Why can't we sneeze with our eyes open?

Can angels eat devils food cake?

What does the T in T-Shirt really mean?

Why does the label on children’s Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles when it's for CHILDREN!?

If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?

What if you're in h3!!, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

If a police car, an ambulance, a fire truck and a mail truck are all at a 4 way stop who has the right away?

Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?

Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?

what does the K in K-mart actually stand for?

Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down?

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, and then kill them.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceeds to tell you why it isn't.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. (Friend or Money!)

Death is hereditary.

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.


Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

My Reality Check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching
them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years
telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids
do you want?

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents,
despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.

"There is only one pretty child in the world... and every
mother has It." - Chinese Proverb.

Children will soon forget your presents. They will always
remember your presence.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.

"Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of
the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom.

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after
you've purchased new school clothes.

Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby"
has never tried it.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things."

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer

When you come to a fork in the road, take it"