How to replace a mailbox: Two methods
Blog Entry: How to replace a mailbox: Two methods
Blog Entry: How to replace a mailbox: Two methods
Posted by: kittyshootingstar
Posted: September 14, 2008, 7:05:24 PM
Updated: September 22, 2008, 12:57:51 PM
Mood: Do you really need to ask?
Eating: the skin on my lower lip
Drinking: water
Currently: typing
Listening To: my computer humming
Posted: September 14, 2008, 7:05:24 PM
Updated: September 22, 2008, 12:57:51 PM
Mood: Do you really need to ask?
Eating: the skin on my lower lip
Drinking: water
Currently: typing
Listening To: my computer humming
Method one:
1. Buy new mailbox.
2. Remove old mailbox.
3. Remove old support board.
4. Attach new support board.
5. Attach new mailbox to new support board.
The more practical method two:
1. Find the mailbox you want on the internet. Go to the store and put it in a cart.
2. Find the ridiculously simple instructions on the box and argue with the person you dragged along about the length of the nuts and bolts, and the dimensions of the new support board.
3. Spend half an hour continuing the argument about the nuts and bolts. Debate the difference between hex screws and bolts, and argue that you do, in fact, know how to buy the individual parts and don't need companion's help with the most obvious tasks. When this is completed, buy four each of the ones you originally needed, despite companion's insistence on getting extra in case of screw ups. Patiently explain to companion how it is impossible to screw up the nuts and bolts in this kind of project.
4a. Despite the fact that you think there's usable wood in the garage, allow your companion to waste time, money, and energy getting a store worker to measure the wood holding the display mailbox and cut it for you.
4b. Roll your eyes and say nothing when companion asks how to attach the support board to the post (screws), but remember to take the time to say "I told you so" after the fact, since you had answered that question several times previously.
5. Huff and puff at your companion's stupidity about this and that all the way home, but stop while said companion is paying for your hamburger.
6. Eat.
7. Begin removing the old mailbox. Using more than one crowbar is recommended. Just watch that you don't poke yourself with the rusty old nails.
8. Shoo away the hovering, nitpicky companion (repeat as necessary through the rest of the process).
9. Remove the old support board. Do this by taking a hammer and pounding on the underside of the board to loosen the nails in order to loosen the nails to get them out with the crowbars.
10. After 75% of the nails are removed, allow the board to gently crack in half, making the companion begin hovering again and offering utterly useless advice and unhelpful help. Remove the pieces of the board and the remaining nails.
11. Begin reinforcing the wobbly parts of the post's structure with extra nails. This will take a while, so be prepared to spend a half an hour trying to hammer one nail into the tough old wood.
12. Spend another half hour hunting for wood screws in the garage. Locate four in various places. Tell companion you have what you need and don't need help. The companion will not get the message, but should get out of your way long enough to find the drill and screwdriver bit.
13. Begin using the cordless drill to attach the new, custom-cut support board (while dimly realizing there, in fact, wasn't any wood in the garage you could have used). Allow the drill to only put each screw in partway, stripping it. It's also a good idea to let the battery pack fall out once or twice, to make you realize that maybe charging the battery would help.
14. Go into the garage again and locate the charger. In the meantime, transplant the battery off another tool and put it in the drill (You do have that cool interchangeable cordless tool set, right?). Resume your assault on the screws. When that battery dies, refuse the inept help of your hovering, annoying companion, and grab a hand screwdriver.
15. While constantly refusing your companion's offers to help, and not-so-subtly hinting they should just go the **** away, use the hand screwdriver to finish driving the wood screws.
16. Retrieve 3 nails. Time it so your companion is complaining in typical OCD fashion that there were originally 3 nails in each part of the board, but now there's only two screws each. Hold up the nails as you walk past without a word, envisioning pleasant thoughts of murder and dismemberment. Hammer the nails in random places that will still allow them to attach to the post.
17. Place the mailbox on the new support. Align it and mark the places you will drill so you can attach it with the nuts and bolts you spent so much time arguing about. Ask your companion how it looks. Adjust it minutely several times to accommodate for said companion's OCD tendencies.
18. Select a drill bit that is the same width as the bolt you are using. Assure companion for the 53rd time that yes, you do know how to use a drill, no, for a project this small full body shielding is not necessary, and yes you have, in fact, done similar things before.
19. Drill on your marks. Curse quietly when they go into the post instead of into open air, there's an obnoxious children's party down the block and you wouldn't want to scar the impressionable little snots.
20. Ignore companion's hovering.
21. Tell companion in no uncertain terms to go away and leave the project to the person who actually knows the difference between a pilot hole and a pinky toe.
22. Remark the areas to drill, taking extra care to put them in the right place this time.
23. Drill again.
24. Begin bolting the mailbox to the board. Use a wrench and a pair of pliers to get them nice and tight.
25. Let companion look at the finished product while you begin putting everything away. Be prepared to explain every little thing you did, why you did it, and why you didn't use the companion's unspoken OCD method. Stay calm by imagining yourself beating the **** out of your annoying, obnoxious, retarded companion. Don't actually do it.
26. Ride your bike around the block a few times to blow off some steam. You've earned it by putting up with your companion. When you return, be prepared to explain that no, extra reinforcements aren't necessary (companion will still vow to reinforce it later though); yes, it's as tight on there as it will get; no you didn't need the longer bolts that you got anyway; NO, DON'T MAKE ME UNBOLT THAT THING JUST SO YOU CAN CHANGE OUT THE BOLTS, IT'S NOT NECESSARY; yes, it is impressive that I did it all by myself; yes, wow, I am actually capable of doing things on my own (though it would have been easier without the constant interference); and that the wobbling you feel when you shake the mailbox with all of your strength is due to the fact that we are using the post that has been there for 15 years and unless we stake it to the ground, it's going to do that.
27. Take a deep breath as you congratulate yourself on putting up with someone who [still] believes that you are an inept little monkey who can't use a drill doesn't know how to read instructions, and can't be trusted to make decisions with obvious solutions; has to triple-check everything you do since apparently there's no way in hell you can actually get it right; refuses to ask you for help and prefers to ask the store employees questions about construction that a 5-year old could answer correctly; can't say please or thank you; can't realize that your dad has actually taught you some of these things while you were helping him on innumerable projects; and who all in all has very little respect for you, your tools, your intelligence, or the fact that you are, in fact, an evolved life form.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
So, now that the construction lesson is over, who wants to guess what I did today? ^_^
I want to scream.
1. Buy new mailbox.
2. Remove old mailbox.
3. Remove old support board.
4. Attach new support board.
5. Attach new mailbox to new support board.
The more practical method two:
1. Find the mailbox you want on the internet. Go to the store and put it in a cart.
2. Find the ridiculously simple instructions on the box and argue with the person you dragged along about the length of the nuts and bolts, and the dimensions of the new support board.
3. Spend half an hour continuing the argument about the nuts and bolts. Debate the difference between hex screws and bolts, and argue that you do, in fact, know how to buy the individual parts and don't need companion's help with the most obvious tasks. When this is completed, buy four each of the ones you originally needed, despite companion's insistence on getting extra in case of screw ups. Patiently explain to companion how it is impossible to screw up the nuts and bolts in this kind of project.
4a. Despite the fact that you think there's usable wood in the garage, allow your companion to waste time, money, and energy getting a store worker to measure the wood holding the display mailbox and cut it for you.
4b. Roll your eyes and say nothing when companion asks how to attach the support board to the post (screws), but remember to take the time to say "I told you so" after the fact, since you had answered that question several times previously.
5. Huff and puff at your companion's stupidity about this and that all the way home, but stop while said companion is paying for your hamburger.
6. Eat.
7. Begin removing the old mailbox. Using more than one crowbar is recommended. Just watch that you don't poke yourself with the rusty old nails.
8. Shoo away the hovering, nitpicky companion (repeat as necessary through the rest of the process).
9. Remove the old support board. Do this by taking a hammer and pounding on the underside of the board to loosen the nails in order to loosen the nails to get them out with the crowbars.
10. After 75% of the nails are removed, allow the board to gently crack in half, making the companion begin hovering again and offering utterly useless advice and unhelpful help. Remove the pieces of the board and the remaining nails.
11. Begin reinforcing the wobbly parts of the post's structure with extra nails. This will take a while, so be prepared to spend a half an hour trying to hammer one nail into the tough old wood.
12. Spend another half hour hunting for wood screws in the garage. Locate four in various places. Tell companion you have what you need and don't need help. The companion will not get the message, but should get out of your way long enough to find the drill and screwdriver bit.
13. Begin using the cordless drill to attach the new, custom-cut support board (while dimly realizing there, in fact, wasn't any wood in the garage you could have used). Allow the drill to only put each screw in partway, stripping it. It's also a good idea to let the battery pack fall out once or twice, to make you realize that maybe charging the battery would help.
14. Go into the garage again and locate the charger. In the meantime, transplant the battery off another tool and put it in the drill (You do have that cool interchangeable cordless tool set, right?). Resume your assault on the screws. When that battery dies, refuse the inept help of your hovering, annoying companion, and grab a hand screwdriver.
15. While constantly refusing your companion's offers to help, and not-so-subtly hinting they should just go the **** away, use the hand screwdriver to finish driving the wood screws.
16. Retrieve 3 nails. Time it so your companion is complaining in typical OCD fashion that there were originally 3 nails in each part of the board, but now there's only two screws each. Hold up the nails as you walk past without a word, envisioning pleasant thoughts of murder and dismemberment. Hammer the nails in random places that will still allow them to attach to the post.
17. Place the mailbox on the new support. Align it and mark the places you will drill so you can attach it with the nuts and bolts you spent so much time arguing about. Ask your companion how it looks. Adjust it minutely several times to accommodate for said companion's OCD tendencies.
18. Select a drill bit that is the same width as the bolt you are using. Assure companion for the 53rd time that yes, you do know how to use a drill, no, for a project this small full body shielding is not necessary, and yes you have, in fact, done similar things before.
19. Drill on your marks. Curse quietly when they go into the post instead of into open air, there's an obnoxious children's party down the block and you wouldn't want to scar the impressionable little snots.
20. Ignore companion's hovering.
21. Tell companion in no uncertain terms to go away and leave the project to the person who actually knows the difference between a pilot hole and a pinky toe.
22. Remark the areas to drill, taking extra care to put them in the right place this time.
23. Drill again.
24. Begin bolting the mailbox to the board. Use a wrench and a pair of pliers to get them nice and tight.
25. Let companion look at the finished product while you begin putting everything away. Be prepared to explain every little thing you did, why you did it, and why you didn't use the companion's unspoken OCD method. Stay calm by imagining yourself beating the **** out of your annoying, obnoxious, retarded companion. Don't actually do it.
26. Ride your bike around the block a few times to blow off some steam. You've earned it by putting up with your companion. When you return, be prepared to explain that no, extra reinforcements aren't necessary (companion will still vow to reinforce it later though); yes, it's as tight on there as it will get; no you didn't need the longer bolts that you got anyway; NO, DON'T MAKE ME UNBOLT THAT THING JUST SO YOU CAN CHANGE OUT THE BOLTS, IT'S NOT NECESSARY; yes, it is impressive that I did it all by myself; yes, wow, I am actually capable of doing things on my own (though it would have been easier without the constant interference); and that the wobbling you feel when you shake the mailbox with all of your strength is due to the fact that we are using the post that has been there for 15 years and unless we stake it to the ground, it's going to do that.
27. Take a deep breath as you congratulate yourself on putting up with someone who [still] believes that you are an inept little monkey who can't use a drill doesn't know how to read instructions, and can't be trusted to make decisions with obvious solutions; has to triple-check everything you do since apparently there's no way in hell you can actually get it right; refuses to ask you for help and prefers to ask the store employees questions about construction that a 5-year old could answer correctly; can't say please or thank you; can't realize that your dad has actually taught you some of these things while you were helping him on innumerable projects; and who all in all has very little respect for you, your tools, your intelligence, or the fact that you are, in fact, an evolved life form.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
So, now that the construction lesson is over, who wants to guess what I did today? ^_^
I want to scream.