Chapter 36 - Brawl...

One day, I got a letter from Espio. He said he opened up some new Dojo or whatever the hell that is in Deberan and that he already had a student signed up for it. Anyway, the letter also said that it would be appreciated if I could take a look. So, I went to Espio’s Dojo, which was called Espio’s Dojo…

But as soon as I got there, I saw Knuckles standing near a stop sign, pointing and yelling at it…

Knuckles: Stop it!!!!

*long silence*

Knuckles: NO YOU STOP IT!!!1 >_<

Blain: Knuckles…?
Knuckles: *turns around* Yes?! ^-^

Then he got hit by an ice cream truck… I pretend like nothing ever happened and went inside…

Blain: Espio?!

No response… I looked around and I didn’t see him… I saw something moving in the corners of my eyes… Then it jumped on me.

Espio: BANZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAI!!!!!!!!!1

So, in a reflex, I turned around and punched it… It flew back and stayed down… Then I saw it was Espio…

Blain: … frack…

About 15 minutes later, he started to regain conscious…

Blain: Dude? You ok? *waves arms in front of him*
Espio: Ah yes… Very powerful punch… But you forgot the essence of fighting…
Blain: What?

Espio: Let your anger be as a monkey in a pinata!! Hiding amongst the candy! Hoping the kids don't break through with the stick!

Blain: What the hell are you talking about…?
Espio: No idea, but it sounds wise.
Blain: Ah… So, what’s the deal?
Espio: Patience young hedgehog… All shall be explained when the others arrive…
Blain: … Eh, ok…

Not long after that, I saw everyone else dripping in… Amy, Sonic… Shadow, Rouge… I saw Knuckles outside, crossing the street, but then he got hit by an ambulance… Then there was Vector… Even Charmy… And Tails… And that’s it… Everyone looked at each other with no idea what was about to happen… So Espio stood in front of us and bows…

Espio: Fear not man who practices thousand attacks at once… Fear man who practices one attack a thousand times…

All: …
Espio: …
All: What…?
Espio: Wise man, once said… Only the foolish do not accept defeat…
All: …
Espio: … Knowledge more powerful then force…
All: ………
Espio: …………
All: GET TO THE POINT!!!1
Espio: For those of you who don’t know me-
Chary: WE ALREADY KNOW YOU!!11
Espio: *throws shuriken at Charmy*
Charmy: GAAH!!!1 MY EYE!!!1
All: O_o
Espio: I… Am Espio… From now on, you will all refer to me as… Betty Sensei…
All: … O_o
Charmy: But, isn’t Betty a woman’s name?!
Espio: *throws another Shuriken at Charmy*
Charmy: GAAH!!!11 MY OTHER EYE!!!1 *dies dead*

All: O_o
Espio: You are here for discipline… You shall be guardians of the Light… Defenders of innocent… And-

Sonic: And… How long is this going to take…?
Espio: You shall dedicate your lives to it…
Blain: What?! frack no!! I’m outta here! I got better things to do and-
Espio: *gets out another shuriken…*
Blain: ……… O_o
Espio: Each and every one of you lacks discipline… There is no honour in your souls…

Amy: What makes you think that…?
Espio: Greed, young grasshopper… Greed… Each and every one of you is filled with greed… If someone offers you a meal, you accept it, right…?

All: Right! ^-^
Espio: MEEP!!! WRONG!!!!
All: O_o
Espio: Did you ever gave a thought about the people who offered you the meal, that they could be very poor…? That they gave their last cents to you for a meal…? Yet their pure conscious and their state of mind convince them to do something good for someone else…

Tails: So what you’re saying is, is that you have to decline the meal that someone offered you…? O_o

Espio: Correct…
Sonic: Then why the hell would they make a meal for you in the first place?!1
Espio: I don’t think you fully get young hedgehog… Do not worry… The path to enlightment is long…

Sonic: Yeah but-
Espio: THE PATH TO ENLIGHTMENT IS LONG!!!!!!1 >_<
All: O_o

Then I looked at everybody else and they raised an eyebrow… Then we all turned around and walked away…

Espio: I think I didn’t make myself clear… We get serious competition… But… Sure… Go on… Walk away why don’t cha!? See if I care if everyone gets blown to kingdom come…

Then everyone turned around and faced Espio…

Sonic: Go on…
Espio: We are about to witness an evil so great, nothing surpassed it yet… Sonic…?

Sonic: Yeah?
Espio: Remember you fought Chaos?
Sonic: … Yeah?
Espio: You’ve seen nothing yet… Shadow, remember that you fought that pink bunny…?

Shadow: … No?
Espio: That was nothing… This evil… This… Monstrosity is about to unleash his minions upon us… We must be prepared…

Shadow: So what are we facing?
Espio: … The Mario Brothers…
All: *El Gasp!* O_o

At that point, the phone went, and Espio answered it…

Espio: Espio-san…
All: …
Espio: Tamagotchi Fujitsu Toshiba Samsung?
All: …
Espio: Sony Yokohama Sushi Mitsubishi?
All: …
Espio: Hai…
All: …
Espio: I’m gonna hang up now…
All: …
Espio: NO!!!! THE ROCKETSHIP ISNT READY YET!!!! STAY AWAY FROM IT!!! STA- … What? Oh! You’re making a joke! Oh! Haha!
All: … O_o
Espio: Ok, bye. … Bye. I said bye… What? Yes bye. Bye… BYE!@!!!1 >_< *hangs up phone*

All: …
Sonic: So who was that?
Espio: My dog.
All: … O_o
Blain: *pokes Sonic* Dude… I think Espio is been sniffing wasabi again…
Sonic: I know… He lost it… We need to get out of here…!!

At that point, Nicole walked out of a room and Espio drew a line on the ground…

Espio: Those of you who think they are worthy to fight her, may cross this line…
All: O_o
Nicole: … Eh? I didn’t come here to fight but to-
Espio: Silence!!! >_<
Nicole: O_o

And of course, Vector, Shadow and Rouge stepped forward…

Espio: I see… Your fighting skills shall be judged… One on one fight… Shadow, you start.

Shadow: Ok…

So they stand in the ring, and Nicole bows… Shadow raised an eyebrow and received a backwards kick against the back of his head. He flew out of the ring…

And after she kicked the shoot out of Rouge and Vector…

Nicole: ^w^
Espio: This girl is Nicole.
Nicole: They already know me Espio…
Espio: Silence. She’s been my student for 2 months now.
Nicole: …
Espio: And she has huge knockers.
Nicole: O_o

So… As the day slowly passed by… We were finally dismissed from the Dojo… Only to get back tomorrow…

So the next morning I went back… Seeing as everyone couldn’t be assed to do something which bored the hell out of me… As soon as I got there and opened the door…

Espio: Ah, there you are young hedgehog. Come, follow me.

So I followed him… He opened a box and got out something…

Espio: Here. You must carry this. It brings good luck on your journey to salvation.

Blain: What is it…?
Espio: It’s a rabbit’s foot. It brings good luck to those worthy of it.
Blain: Where’d you get it?

At that point, I saw Cream hopping on one leg past the window, screaming her lungs out as Espio hid a bloodstained katana sword behind his back.

Blain: … Ah.
Espio: Be swift young hedgehog… Quick, silent, and deadly! Like a Tom Cruise fart!

Blain: Tom who!? O_o
Espio: I don’t know, make the Ninja sound!
Blain: But-
Espio: THE NINJA SOUND!!!!! >_<
Blain: Wheeeeeeeee!!
Espio: NO NO NO!!!! YOU’RE DOING IT ALL WRONG!!!1
Blain: But- O_o
Espio: *slaps Blain* FOCUS YOUNG HEDGEHOG!!!!
Blain: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THIS??!!!!1
Espio: IT’S BECAUSE SUPER SMASH BROTHERS BRAWL IS ABOUT TO BE RELEASED!!!1 AND YOU DID NOT TRAIN!!!1

Blain: SO?!!1 I’M NOT EVEN A SEGA CHARACTER!!!!
Espio: … frack!!!!!1
Blain: WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!!!!
Espio: I DON’T KNOW!!!1 WHY ARE WE YELLING IN THE FIRST PLACE?!!!

*long silence*

Blain: *sighs* Question…
Espio: I’m listening…
Blain: What’s this all about…?
Espio: Sonic… Has been selected… For Super Smash Brothers Brawl… He… He needs to defeat Mario and restore glory and honour to the Sonic franchise… I’m… I’m so stressed by that-… That-… Gaah…

Blain: Right… Just… Give them all a shoot load of sugar and unleash them…
Espio: … You really think that’s gonna work…?
Blain: I dunno...

At that point, Nicole ran through the front door…

Nicole: MARIO IS OUTSIDE!!!! O_o
Blain: …

At that point, Sonic flew through the window.

Sonic: Whoo! O_o
Nicole: You alright?!
Sonic: That was tingling!
Nicole: O_o
Sonic: … He’s so dead…

Then Sonic ran outside, and as I looked outside, I saw all sorts of characters bashing the shoot out of each other… There was even a human, that looked like a soldier… So I got out my BB-Assault rifle. You know, the ones that shoot pellets instead of bullets. This is a non-violent story by the way.

Mario: It’sa me! Maaaaaaa- *gets squished by cardboard box*
Snake: Otacon! What is this strange world I’m in!? It’s all dark and all sorts of weird sounds are heard!

Otacon: …… You’re in a box Snake.
Snake: Oh yeah, I forgot! Haha!

Sonic: Ok, ok, ok, could we stop fighting for a sec please?!
All: *kept on fighting*
Sonic: HELLOOOOOOOOO!!!!1
All: *kept on fighting*
Sonic: SON OF A dog!!! WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!
All: O_o
Snake: *gasp!* Sonic made a swear!
Sonic: _
Mario: … Ah yes! Sonic!
Sonic: … Mario…
Mario: ……… Sonic… You’re going down…
Sonic: … Well I got news for you buddy…
Mario: …
Sonic: You smell funny… And nobody LIKES you!
Mario: … That’s not true!!
Kirby: BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWL!!!!!1
Nicole: Oh dear…

So everyone started to fight again… I just shot people in the @$$ with the bb-gun thing. I even shot Sonic! ^w^

Snake: This is getting out of hand Otacon.
Amy: Can I borrow you’re cardboard box?
Snake: … No, go away. I’m not even here.
Amy: *Smashes box with hammer*
Snake: Otacon!! My disguise is comprised!! Abort!! I repeat, abort-
Amy: XD *smacks Snake with hammer*
Colonel: Snake?! Snake?!! Snaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!!
Shadow: SHUT THE frack UP!!!!

Pokemon trainer: GAYOMON!!! I CHOOSE YOU!!!! *throws pokeball at Knuckles*
Knuckles: GAAAAAAAAH!!!! *gets thrown out of arena*
Gayomon: URGAY URGAY!!!
Nicole: … *kicks Gayomon out of arena*

Bowser: RAWR!!!!1 >_<
Vector: Yo, yo, yo, B boy double G fo' rizzle shizzle my nizzle for shoot!! fracking @$$ and blat blat!!

Cream: STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!1 >_<

Then everyone is staring at the one-legged rabbit…

Cream: Why does everyone fight when you can play… Er… Videogames?!
All: …
Snake: What game?!
Cream: Eeeeeeeeh… Sonic the Hedgehog Next Gen!
Kirby: On the X-Box 360?!
Cream: … Yeah?
Kirby: THAT GAME SUCKED!!! TAILS RUINED THE SONIC FRANCHISE!!! *points finger at Tails*

Tails: … *cries and goes to cut himself*
Cream: But- *gets shot down by Fox*
Rouge: Thanks Fox.
Fox: No problem.
Rouge: …
Fox: … ^w^
Rouge: *Kicks Fox*
Sonic: HEY!!! NO ONE INSULTS MY LOVER- I MEAN LITTLE BROTHER LIKE THAT!!!

All: …
Sonic: … You all heard it huh?
All: … Yeah…
Sonic: shoot…

Then they all started fighting again…

Mario: BRING IT ON YOU FURRIE!!!
Shadow: NOW YOU JUST WAIT ONE GASHDARNED TOOTHPICKING MINUTE HERE!!!!

All: O_o
Shadow: I SAY THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!! I WOULD LIKE TO BE ADRESSED WITH THE TERM “ANTHROPOMORPHISM”!!!

Kirby: No, no, no, dude. You got it wrong. Anthropomorphisms wears clothes as well. You don’t. You’re naked.

Shadow: … I wear shoes!
Peach: But that doesn’t count as clothing.
Blain: But we do wear socks. And that is clothing. So basically, we’re not naked.

Kirby: Aah, but that’s where you go wrong my friend… Anthropomorphisms are also based on real animals. You can actually see what animal they’re supposed to be. You look like a spiky Pokemon by the way.

Then everyone realised the harsh truth… Even me… The whole Sonic crew stopped dead in their tracks and dropped everything we held on to… I dropped my rifle… I was so shocked by that… That… Oh man… Even Nicole looks depressed…

Sonic: … Yo- You mean…
Amy: Our lives are just big lies…?
Kirby: Yup…
Nicole: But… What about you?
Kirby: What about me?
Nicole: What the hell are you supposed to be?
Kirby: I… I eh… Ehm… Well you see… Eh… It’s easy to… Aw fracknuts… I… I promised myself not cry!

Then Kirby started to sob…

Kirby: Mommie never loved me!!

Sonic: And what about Mario?
Mario: What?!
Sonic: You don’t even look like a human!
Mario: But-
Sonic: And that nose!
Mario: … *cries*
Peach: You can’t blame Mario for his nose! It’s from his mother’s side!
Mario: Gee, thanks Peach… _
Peach: You’re welcome hun…

And everyone had something to say about each other, how much they sucked, how stupid they looked… And in the end, everyone was crying. Even me. Tails was cutting his wrist for being a freak… Shadow offered him a new razorblade. Except no one could think of something to say about Solid Snake…

Snake: Yay! I reign supreme! I’m perfect!!

Then a cardboard box fell down on his head.

Snake: *screams like a girl* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!! O_o

Colonel: Yo Snake?!! Snake?!!! SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!
Snake: Yush?
Colonel: Merryl is getting some chocolate icecream. You want one?
Snake: Not now colonel, I’m the middle of a war zone here!!

Then Snake stared at everyone who was crying and sitting on the ground…

Snake: And it’s a bloodbath… I… I don’t know if I’ll make it back…

???: … Fools… Look at them… They don’t know what’ll hit them…
???: Chao, chao chao!!!
???: What’s that? Yes, I think so.
???: We shall destroy all my dear!
???: Yes mother!
???: Now’s the time… ONWARDS!!!!
???: Chaohahahaha!

Then we noticed two rabbits and a Chao…

Sonic: … That’s not supposed to happen.
Amy: Vanilla, Cream and Cheese?!
Luigi: Teehee… Cream… >w<
Peach: *slaps Luigi*

Vanilla: ATTACK!!!!!! >=(
Blain: OHMYGAWD!!! GO TO DEFCON 62!!!!

Then Vanilla, Cream and Cheese beat the hell out of everyone now that we were all off guard and weak… Even me… Nicole got punched out of the arena but could barely hold on to a ledge…

Blain: NICOLE!!!!
Nicole: BLAIN!!! PULL ME UP!! PULL ME UP!!!!
Blain: I GOT YA!!! HOLD ON!!!
Nicole: DON’T LET GO BLAIN!!!!
Blain: I’LL NEVER LET GO!!!!

Then my gloves slide off my hands and I saw Nicole falling… She yelled, took a breath… Yelled again… Took another breath… Until I heard a thud and someone cursing at her to get off the guy’s back. I slowly turned around and saw Cream standing there with a disgusting looking sweet smile… And as I looked around, only Snake, DK, Sonic, Shadow, Mario Luigi and I were standing…

Blain: You…
Cream: ^w^
Shadow: This is impossible for us to win!! It’d take all of the seven Chaos Emeralds to win this! Sonic!! How much damage you got?!

Sonic: OVER NINE-THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!!!!!!!!11 >_<

Shadow: Damn it Sonic, you know I’m a sucker for Dragon Ball Z references!!! Ok let’s roll!!

So they turned Super Sonic and Super Shadow with the Chaos Emeralds that were placed for their convenience just in front of them. They kicked the shoot out of Cream, and she fell a looooooooong way down…

Cream: CURSES!!! FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOILED AGAIN!!!!!! –splat-

Guy: WILL YOU GUYS STOP FALLING ON ME!!!! MY BACK REALLY HURTS BECAUSE OF YOU PEOPLE!!!!

Cream: … Sorry…

And as we looked around, the whole scenery was annihilated… Snake, Sonic, Shadow, Mario, Luigi and me were the only ones left…

Sonic: … Their all dead…
Shadow: Oh dear…
Snake: *sings* I’m in the box! Where could I be?! I’m in the box! ^w^
Sonic: … Did I ever tell you, you look uber sexy when you’re turning super?
Shadow: …
Sonic: ^w^
Shadow: *punches Sonic*

And Sonic fell a long way down…

Snake: Phew… It’s over… I’m gonna go have my icecream now.
Vanilla: NOT SO FAST!!!! –gets run over by Optimus Prime*

Optimus: Oh… Eh… Sorry… Ehm… Backing up… Beeep, beeeeeep… Beeeep…

All: O_o

I sat down exhausted and looked around. And as soon as I faced front again, I noticed Cheese standing there with a knife and grinning…

Blain: WHOA!!!!!

I saw Nicole’s face… And noticed I was home… In a bed… Nicole was waving her arms in front of me…

Nicole: You ok? O_o
Blain: … I had the weirdest dream ever…
Nicole: … Was it fun…?
Blain: … No.
Nicole: Oh, which reminds me, this letter is for you. It’s from Espio.

Eh? I looked outside and noticed Cream, Cheese and Vanilla standing there with an evil grin and Cheese flashing a butcher’s knife… I ripped the letter, threw it away and stayed in bed for the rest of the day.

……

I held two pistols under my pillow just encase.

End.

Cream: Or is it…? *evil grin*
Vanilla: For now it is my dear… Mwhehehehe… Come… Let us scheme for a while…
Cream: Yeah but-
Vanilla: Come child…
Cream: I don’t trust this… He could be planning something as well… This smells like-

Vanilla: COME!!!! >_<
All: O_o

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