A Day of Tsuzuki Tormentz

Chapter 1 - Puppy Love
Submitted: April 3, 2006 • Updated: November 11, 2006
Word count: 3424 • Size: 19k • Comments: 2 • views: 293

Chapter 2 - Girl's Night Out
Submitted: April 3, 2006 • Updated: November 11, 2006
Word count: 4379 • Size: 24k • Comments: 0 • views: 264

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KingdomHeartShera on October 17, 2006, 3:40:13 AM

KingdomHeartShera on October 17, 2006, 3:40:13 AM (Chapter: 1)

It looks like it's good, but, well, you can make it so it's easier to read. The paragaphs are a little long, and hard to get through.

For example, your beginning paragraph: every time someone new speaks, put it on a different line. Ex:

"Hello! How are you?" said Lena.

"Good, and you?" Trixie replied.

Instead of: "Hello! How are you?" said Lena. "Good, and you?" Trixie replied.

Same thing with the actions of different characters. Also, use one type of format: don't put *jumps* or stuff like that if you're talking about an action someone is doing; stick to one format, like you do later on, and be careful about your tenses. You seem to be using a mixture of roleplaying and normal writing formats; just stick to one, 'kay? Preferably normal. :)

I'm really sorry if I'm sounding like a b***ch or a know-it-all, but this really does look like a good story and I just wanted to give you some hints to make it better. Other then that, it looks pretty good. ^.^

blackcat686 on April 25, 2006, 5:20:33 AM

blackcat686 on April 25, 2006, 5:20:33 AM (Chapter: 1)

Really funny story:) Please update soon!