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Chapter 16 - Finn the Flirt: Part 3

Nikky Kirishima,of The Village Hidden In The Heavens has fallen in love;How can she set aside her feelings for the older boy so she can focus on her studies?It's brains/<3 as she tries to overcome <3,exams,and her newly found identity

Chapter 16 - Finn the Flirt: Part 3

Chapter 16 - Finn the Flirt: Part 3
"I don't know what what he's talking about," Nikora said, trying to look as clueless as possible, but before she could turn away, Lee suddenly appeared next to the brown haired girl.
 
"Hey, Tenten- I think this is the girl who turned Neji orange this morning!" he said pointing at Nikora.
 
Nikora opened her mouth to speak, but just then, Neji's hand shot out and nailed Lee in the mouth, causing her open mouth to get wider, along with Fin and "Tenten", whose jaws both dropped.
 
Neji, meanwhile was not orange, but red, "I want to finish that battle," he repeated.
 
"Fine," Nikora said with a moments hesitation and then lunged into him suddenly.
 
Neji put his left hand up as veins began to show around his temples, but in a flash of green, Lee was between them, one hand on Neji's chest and one hand on Nikora's.
 
Finn, seeing the unintentional, but clearly visible pervertion, lunged at Lee. Lee fell backwards as Neji and Nikora finished thier attack towards each other and Finn swung punches at Lee.
 
-----------------------
 
Tenten, who had backed up as soon as Nikora made her move watched the dust fly everywhere with a sweatdrop.
 
It was almost just like in a cartoon, where there's a big puff of smoke and crazy noises emitting from it, but instead there where shouts, screams, and curses.
 
Then, there was a slight whooshing noise behind Tenten and she turned around to see her sensei looking at the fight with a frown.
 
"Hello, sensei," Tenten greeted him nervously.
 
"Tenten," Gai said nodding to her, but not removing his eyes from the fight.
 
Tenten looked back to Lee, Neji, and the other two girls in worry. Neji and Lee were going to regret fighting with strangers, or, as Gai would probably refer to them as while he yelled at them later, guests.
 
"Excuse me," Gai said, stepping around Tenten and towards the ruckus.
 
"Oh noo," Tenten moaned and backed up further.

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SunaNoFara on January 10, 2008, 12:17:55 PM

SunaNoFara on
SunaNoFaraOki-day, critique time! <--will try to make this as well-rounded as she can >_<
 
Get the feeling it's getting a little predictable? (execpt for the orange part XD). And I see a lack of details here. There's a little too much dialouge, you can't really picture much, can you? Well, the dialouge's okay, it's just that there's not enough detail to go with what they're saying. Like, when Gai first appears, all you say about what he's doing is frowning. What pose is he assuming? Why did he frown? Did he come up expecting peace and smiling, all of a sudden his smile fades and turns into a frown?
 
Your sentence structure could be varied a little more. For most of the dialouge, you just had them say the words and then put action after them. Putting the action before or even in the middle of a longer sentence would be great. Remember to vary the structure.
 
The story's not bad -- I can tell you that -- I'm enjoying it so far, it's just that there's little lack of action to go along with they character's words. Maybe that's why you haven't gotten many people reading it. When people read a story they want to have a picture painted for them, not have to guess what they author's meaning to show them. (I don't read much on here because of that reason) Putting more action with it all would make it much more enjoyable^^
 
Lol, I never give comments this long on artwork...I'm not very good with crit'ing art, but I can tell pretty much what's wrong with stories.

rlkitten on January 11, 2008, 8:37:45 AM

rlkitten on
rlkittenOne thing I don't get: In the time it took for Tenten to turn around, Gai was already displeased with the fact that they'd ceased training...I suppose.....I dunno: can't explain /\_/\'

SunaNoFara on January 11, 2008, 10:00:20 AM

SunaNoFara on
SunaNoFaraWell, don't tell me! Put it in your story! x3
That's what I mean, explain what exactly happened, 'cause how's anyone supposed to know that it took Tenten time to turn around unless you say sumthin' about it?

rlkitten on January 12, 2008, 8:04:48 AM

rlkitten on
rlkitten................? i dunno! /\_/\'

SunaNoFara on January 12, 2008, 8:09:47 AM

SunaNoFara on
SunaNoFaraCan't you take a hint? -_-'

rlkitten on January 12, 2008, 8:56:52 AM

rlkitten on
rlkittenYeesss, I dunno how to put it though! I thought it was obvious enough -_-''' "i dunno"

SunaNoFara on January 12, 2008, 8:59:05 AM

SunaNoFara on
SunaNoFaraWell, then...either I wasn't paying attention, or it wasn't obvious enough.
lol, I just noticed, you misspelled "Clarinet" in the first chapter title.

rlkitten on January 12, 2008, 9:06:43 AM

rlkitten on
rlkittenthose chapters suck -_- ah~ whatevaa lol, go to Hogwarts

SunaNoFara on January 12, 2008, 9:08:21 AM

SunaNoFara on
SunaNoFaraGah, I gotta leave any minute soon to baby-sit soon...

rlkitten on January 12, 2008, 9:11:15 AM

rlkitten on
rlkittenS'okay, I'm gonna exit and set up Haley's Preschool game ^^ lol, fun fun fun!

rlkitten on January 11, 2008, 8:33:02 AM

rlkitten on
rlkittenYeah- I'm no writer /\_/\' never really have been