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Very very good. and i see you even used A

Yo. now that's good stuff. and there aren't really any things that need to be revised. And a few tips, cause you said you needed them, you should take what you write and read it over and take all of it literally you'll find a few things that would be strange if they stayed. the only two things i seen were: when she heard her brother crying you should have just said "crying" instead of "crying their lungs out" but if you wanted to add to the effect of the story and tell how or what they are doing then use wildly crying or their crying is beastly to show what they are doing without having something that, if used literally, would sound strange. and second use Mareda awoke to the sound of screams and the smell --of the-- flames --that were-- flickering out side her window. But other than that its a great story. keep it up and i'll look at the next chapter tomorrow and if you need any thing looked over or revised then just ask me.

nice story

This is very good, and you should continue it. ^-^ Faves+

this one is good as the first u should keep on making this story and it will be publish as sooner then u think for a good fantasy story writer !

this should be publish this is the best fantasy story ever ,when r u going to do the next chapter i must know what's going to happen!

You must continue I am very interested in this. You are doign very well, the suspension is great and you are becoming good at it. I loved the fact that it was a memory and not the actual story. I'd love to know what happens next.