Chapter 1 - Your Metal Box

     You're cold tothat metal box in your chest you call your heart,
which leaks acids of laughter in spite and rotts thoserusted emotions
you replace with scorn hate. I only tried to love you,but you cry
you're perfect and despise anyone who knows you're not. Iunderstood
you in a way noone else could, but you had this hiddentoo deep inside
of you, down to depths too dark to see. It only showswhen you open up.
You only open up to release that stail fog of steam thattraps in your
metal box too intense to hold in. I know this, becauseyou breathed it
on me; in my face,I held it in, and now I know what itis. I gave it
a name.
     You made amistake leaving the evidence in my chest. Don't convict
yourself by infecting the wound. If you love yourself theway you say
you do, don't make me hate you.I light this cigarette with a flame much
like the one that burns aroundyour black thoughts of cold intent. It
crackles with a slow, hipnoticflare. If we taught each other to hate
one another, I didn't listen, I shouldhave, maybe I will someday. You
listened all too well.
      I am only terrified to let you know thatall the damage of this
haunting, tormenting memory ofyour steamed metal box has burrowed a
place in my body to feed on the residue of long sincefelt pain, to
cultivate into something larger.Only to be slung back into me with a
sensitive trigger, not just withexceeding suffering, but with pain I
should be able to ignore.
      Not just one of us drove us here, we had tohave taken turns. I
know I slept half the ride. Ieven remember a dream I had on the way.
In the end, you tried to make me think you hated me the wholetime. But
I know you, the faces you make, the tone of your voice, eventhe rate
of your heartbeat when you lie. It doesn't work with me,I know you too
well. So well that I can takeyou apart elaborately, I can repair you
the way you always wanted to be, and peiceyou back together without
losing even a single drop ofblood. I may have done it a few times,
but don't worry, you never wokeup, you're still in good shape. You can
hate me all you want, I neverasked you to love me. But remember: to
hate me, you had to have lovedme.
      You can jam my fingers in your metal box2,000 more times. I
can't bleed forever, but I won't stop for you, either. Ifall out of
consciousness as I inhale thepain. The dossage has me foaming like a
beast enraged. The sirens aredeafening past the point of ringing. I
tremble back to life, back tothe burden of feeling. On the floor,
bathed in blood, you just won'tlet me die.
      In the dark I close my eyes. The coldgrips and twists my spine.
From this chamber I'll scream, I won't stop until Ichoke. The chains
will hold me, the fire will even scold me, but only untilI let go.
Bruise and break me, slit my throat, come beat me until Ifeel again,
just don't leave me alone. Myheart has been skinned, the bone is like
steel. The scorching surface consumesmy flesh. On my knees, grabbing
my chest, I breathe out fumes, ignitingthe room... with a steam  all
too familar. I didn't ask, butnow I know why[/i].

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