Jesus

I was born in a barn after my mother fell pregnant by 'god'(I always thought he delivered the mail) and only got three gifts and not a single one was from my parents, but thats not the worst thing o no one was a signal that i would die,nice ay.So became a carpenter like my dad,not 'god' my mothers husband joseph but i got bored and wrote a book, a best seller I might add,and after that there were some abdaptations of it and that was about it so i went on tour for a while, one gig we had 5000 people called it feeding the 5000 or something, Bob Geldof so ripped me off but thats just another drunken brawl. Then one of my friends got jealous and had me crucified by the emporour,guy never liked me I could tell all along so obviusly I died but I got ressurected,well not really the truth is I never died I just said that to pick up chicks and now im here, I cant understand how people can believe all that nonsense,I said that you would go to heaven but I said you would stay in the earth and be ressurected one day,I was drunk when I wrote it so I forgot reasons for things,I even said you couldnt use the toilet,that was funny.Now im here with my now 'enlightened' children.