elvisfan123

please go away...
im allergic to losers [:

Funny Things To Do In An Elevator; #4
On a long ride, sway side to side at
the natural frequency of the elevator.

A boy asks his teacher "would you punish me for something i havent done?"
Teacher: Of course not!
Boy: Good because i havent done my homework!

I was barely sitting down, when i heard a voice from the next stall saying, "Hi, How are you?"
Now i'm not the type to get in to a restroom conversation so i don't know what made me answer, but i did somewhat embarrassed: "Doing just fine."
And the other person says:"What are you doing?"
What kind of question is that? At this point i'm thinking this is just to bizarre. but i say: "Uhh...just taking care of business."
Now i'm just trying to get out of these are fast as i can, when i hear another question: "Can i come over?"
Wow! this is getting way to weird for me! To politely end the conversation i say: "No...i'm a litte busy right now!!!"
Then i hear the person nervously say:"Listen, i'll have to call you back. There's some idiot in the next stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

Funny Things To Do In An Elevator; #5
Crack open your briefcase or purse,
and while peering inside ask:
'Got enough air in there?'
Funny Things To Do In An Elevator; #2
Whistle the first seven notes of
'It's a Small World' incessantly.

and now here's some vital information for your everyday life...


"If you're afraid of heights, don't climb a ladder. If you're afraid of marshmallows, don't climb a ladder made of marshmallows."

10 Ways to have >insane< fun in a hospital
1. Walk around the halls with your robe tied in the front :)
2. Run out of the room screaming, "Where's my purple MONKEY?!"
3. You know your little beeper to get the nurse? Send a message in morse code to an old buddy :)
4. Stare at a self opening door for a while. When someone approaches you, tell them your looking for the handle.
5. When someone walks by your room, start screaming, "What do you MEAN Barbie broke up with Ken?!"
6. If you're having a regular conversation with someone, and a nurse comes, simply say, "But I don't feel dead."
7. If you're using the public bathroom and you hear someone walk in, scream, "OHHH! So I ate CORN last night!"
8. In the middle of the night, start singing Thriller.
9. When someone asks what you're "in for," start telling a complex story involving a whale and a praying mantis.
10. If the nurse asks if you need anything, tell her to get you some cereal with milk. When she returns, ask her where the milk came from. If she says a fridge, ask her what animal. If she says cow, tell her you don't drink cow milk. If she asks what type of milk you drink, tell her cat milk. If she tells you cats don't produce milk, raise your eyebrows and say, "That's not what life was like back on the farm!"

Some actual product warning labels:

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)

On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM
UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Make sense...except these instructions we're IN THE BOX!)

In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.

On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
( Now THAT I'd like to see! )

On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box)
* DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(oops...Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
( Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to what...use in outer space?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm sure glad they cleared that up.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

What men say & what it "really means"!


"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means...."You want me to stay awake?"

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...."I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means...."I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means...."What did you catch me doing?"

"I heard you."
Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"You look terrific."
Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you."
Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again.

"We share the housework."
Really means...."I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...."You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

ull feel like you have a time machine a dvr and friends