garfield_maniac

I LOVE GARFIELD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am also a BIG Halo fan as indicated by my avatar, I have submitted more work than my gallery says they just haven't come in yet (Toaster: yea, riiiiight.). Shut up toaster! OH! I also have a magic talking toaster... named Fred (Toaster: Garfield bites!). *pulls out toasters power cord* Well anyway!
I believe myself to be a 'fair' story writer, I don't want you to leave with a feeling that viewing my profile was useless here's something (it is all 100% true!):

On a American stealth fighter: if you can read this we wasted ten billion bucks. (Maybe the terrorists will feel sorry for them and close their eyes)

On a set of Korean knifes: Keep out of children (something got mixed up in translation)

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed fr the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. (My brother doesnt need this excuse)

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. (ya know I think I will)


On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?)

On a sign in a golf course club room: Any persons (except players) caught collecting golf balls will be prosecuted and have their balls removed. (Owwww...)

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. (Well, what are you waiting for?)

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right. (I'm turning, I'm turning!)

On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship." (Wow I have the same motto)

At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorised personnel." (our tax dollars at work)

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work." (every man on earth will want one)

Ad seen in NY Times:
For sale by owner:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f**king everything. (Join the club... we have T-shirts!)

Note found inside the box of a new PC: Open in a cool, dry environment (that would explain a lot)

Bumper sticker: Honk if you've never seen an Uzi (a powerful machine gun) fired from a car window. (*HONKS*)

Classified Ad: Free Puppies...Part German Shepherd - Part Dog (My girlfriend is part human)

On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

In a Tokyo hotel: Please do not steal hotel towels, if you are not a person to do this please do not read this notis. (Too late you lose!)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. (WTF?)

Classified Ad: Nice Parachute, Never Opened - Used Once, Slightly Stained (Guess what happened to the last owner for a free gift!)

On a bumper sticker: If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you. (If you can read this, I'm sorry I didn't come up with a punchline)

On a bumper sticker: You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you! (Its not the voices in your head that bother me, its the voices in my head that bother me)

On a home's kitchen wall (I happen to have this one): No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes

On a airline nut package: How to open step one, open package step two, eat nuts. (someone got payed big bucks for that one)

Instructions on a chainsaw: Do NOT atempt to stop with hands or genitals. (anyone who's tried this raise their hand)

On a box containing a superman outfit: Warning this suit cannot allow you to fly. (that sounds like a challange)

On a bag containing toilet paper: The Original Healthy taste (This one really confuses me)

In a classified AD: For Sale: Lee Majors (The Million Dollar Man for those of you who don't know) $25

Also any Halo or Garfield fans please don't hesitate to contact me, I have an amazingly deep understanding of the Halo Universe and am up for any kind of discussion (except an arguement about whether Halo sucks or not, if you say it sucks in to me and I'll find where you live then tear you a new @$$)!! Also be sure to visit my friends site at www.freewebs.com/thetteam (if you don't I'll be very disappointed)

In closing I would like to emphisise that if any of the content above has offended you (eg. your korean or a superman fan or ... whatever) please contact me and I will work something out that satisfies me and you.
 
Also remember to visit my site at www.freewebs.com/aussie_spartan