jb_dominick

As my first order of business, I'll submit a practical guide on passing yourself off as a legitimate artist for the sole purpose of getting chicks in the sack, while continuing to be an uncreative, chauvinistic pig in your secret life. Damn, that's a mouthful.
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You haven't gotten laid in months! What do you do? How can you turn your life around? How will you save your penis from rotting and falling off from disuse? The answer, my friends, is to become a sensitive, misunderstood, caring artist and stuff. See, the trick here is that since you're probably a talentless prick, we're gonna do this without forcing you to change anything other than the way you present yourself to certain people (read: <b>ladies you wanna hump</b>). In a sense, were gonna hook it up anti-gay, makeover style.
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Stop calling our feminine counterparts doges, sluts, hoes, whores, chicks, dna depositories, cock holsters, or future rape victims. Use words like woman, female and, well... those are really the only two I can think of. You could try and use feminine counterpart, as above, but that sounds mad pretentious, so unless you rock as hard as I do (and I sincerely doubt you do) you should probably shy away from that one. The ladies (oh, there's another one) will appreciate the fact that you are placing them on an equal plain with yourself by not using demeaning language. It'll make you seem caring and shoot. Remember, this isn't a permanent lifestyle change this is not something youll need to keep up when viewing a fine film such as Extreme Porno Boot Camp.<br>
<img src="http://mars.walagata.com/w/jbdominickk/extremebootcamp.bmp" border=0><br>
A little aside is due here. I've never been a real big fan of Extreme Associates productions before as I'm more of a gonzo-style kid myself, but I have to say, this one really won me over. Any video which gives instructions on how to properly clean one's asshole before a porno-shoot is a winner!
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<b>Change your drinking habits.</b>
<br>Beer is for frat boys, rum is for sailors, wine is for little girls, so really all you're left with is bourbon, whiskey, etc. It'll play into the conception that you're a tortured soul even though you live in a house with a three car garage with mom and pop, as well as making your real friends think you're tough as frackin' nails. You can hook it up one of three ways: Jagermeister, Jack Daniel's, or Maker's Mark. You're not allowed to drink Jim Beam or Johnny Walker just cuz the label is simply not bad-@$$ enough, and really they all taste like horse piss, so it really just comes down to appearance - what a surprise! Here's a helpful tip: <i>if you're drinking shots always have a chaser of beer</i>. What you do is, take the shot but hold it in your mouth, grab the bottle of beer and act like youre gonna take a swig, but real sly like <i>spit the shot into the beer</i>. When all your friends are too incapacitated to move you can run mad game on their girls, who, god willing, will also be too drunk to resist.
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<b>Comb your hair</b>, but not all that often. Actually, you shouldn't be combing your hair at all! You should be brushing it, because you certainly have a sense shag good enough to be a founding member of Norma Jean. (See how I made that reference to a band you know nothing about? That means I rock two to three times more than you. Seriously.) Continuing with hair, I really can't say enough about Murray's. The shoot makes you look dirty even when you aren't, and thats a damn good thing kids, since, as an artist, you should be way too concerned with completely irrelevant bullshoot to take the time to shower.
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<b>Build a huge library of free-jazz and harsh noise recordings</b>.<br>
Now, I don't recommend actually <i>listening</i> to them, but I would advise my readers to <i>purchase and have lying around</i> as many as they can. See, the less people can relate to your music the more they'll believe you have a fracking clue. When they're not around you can return to listening to whatever shootty bands you like, none of which rock as hard as the bands I like, or me for that matter.
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Now that I have gotten your attention, asserted myself over you with my @$$ rockin' superiority, let me introduce myself a little more. Not in that shabby, overused bullshoot that I tell you my height, hair color and other shoot like that. That's for people who's lives are incredibly shamed and uneventful, that's for people who need to be hung, shot and hung again for wasting my oxygen. I hope you're not one of those people. If you are, stop reading now. Because my initial awesomeness that will follow can and will overload your puny brain. Still here? You have too much time on your hands... Now I'll introduce myself in how I act in real life, and how I think. Hopefully you'll get the idea of what kind of guy I am. Not some vague, shootty profile.
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So I was watching Montel one day, and the saddest thing ever happened: two boys killed a girl (actually a virginal blonde haired blue eyed one, the kind of girl that would make Hitler proud to be alive hiding in Brazil as he is still today) because Slayer lyrics told them to do it. Hell, the Slayer lyrics even told them that if they did it they'd become the number one band in Hell. What song this is, I have no clue but that's not the point: this isolated incident only serves as a reminder - better marketing is needed for metal bands to put out the truth to the kids, that if you too want to become the Number One band in Hell you've got to kill the innocent. Any hack can kill a kitten, that's something even a Cure fan could do while not crying or shooting up smack. For you, the children, I am going to make some suggestions on how we can get more metal and killing in the name of Satan out to the public and put it in the hands of the children where it needs to belong.
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<b>Childrens Shows</b>
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Any good marketing saturation starts out at a young age and that's where I'd start. Anything, and I mean anything, involving Vikings needs metal. In battle scenes we would involve heroic metal ballads going on in the background. Songs would be song of the fallen foes and the brave deeds done in the name of the Norse Gods, and - as all good Chrisitans know, Norse Gods are down with the devil.
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Next we need to buy out the rights for the old D&D cartoon. NO silly, not for the irony or whatever crap the scrawny kids with the stupid tattoos (that they're going to get lasered off their body the day they get out of college) thinks, after all, what we're doing here is trying to help out the children aren't we? As has been duly noted by EVERY Christian group with the name concerned somewhere in it since 1982 is the fact that D&D leads children directly to the devil himself. I mean after watching the dorky kid on that show fumble with spells that any 2nd level mage has mastered, who wouldn't want to kill?
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<i>Subliminal messaging</i>. As the old advertising adage goes, you gotta get them early. Currently Rex and I are developing a show for the 2-4 year old crowd as we speak. It's going to be called <i>Happy Happy Fun Fun Time</i>. Only two words are going to be ever said in that show: <i>happy</i> and <i>fun</i>. The lead puppet Mr. Crowley is going to have a pet - the black llama, and the only other characters are going to be goat puppets who bah <i>happy</i> and <i>fun</i>. This age group is really not old enough to understand metal or just how cool Satan is, so were going to have to do something a little different and thats going to be in the form of subliminal messages. The key though is that we are making sure to include the subliminal messages ONLY when the words happy or fun are being said, to make sure that the children associate happy and fun with what we want them to. So far in the pre-production we have made note that subliminal images of goats heads, pentagrams, stabbings and metal chix have gone over well with the test subjects. In a double blind study we found that when seeing these images, children were much more likely to want a cannibal corpse CD then they were to choose playing with a puppy.
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<b>THE TEEN MARKET</b>
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So you're saying to yourself, "Don't the teens already like the metal?" Well, yes they do - but it's sadly falling to the wayside of sissy boy music that actually tries to show more emotion then just blind rage and why's that? It's because <i>that's the music you want to listen to</i> (or pretend to listen to, more acurately) <i>if you want to get laid</i>. Which is the exact reason why I suggest coming out with this marketing campaign directed at and for the teens. With enough exposure the <b>Slashing-People-to-Death-In-The-Name-of-Satan-Will-Get-You-Laid Campaign</b> could not miss. The best part is that hardly any money would have to be spent on it to keep it going. As soon as one of those concerned parents groups got a hold of it we'd be on national news. After that every kid would want to slash and dismember just to be cool and really, that's all we're trying to do here: help out the teens.
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<b>OTHER SUGGESTIONS</b>
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-Import more black metal bands and give them immunity to the law. If all we could do is extradite and import all black metal band members in jail and gave them governmental immunity, we'd be half way there. Kids like to follow their idols, it's a proven fact - ask any concerned family group. Even if we could only get members of Mayhem and Emperor over here with these afore mentioned considerations, we might be getting somewhere with all this talk. Give them a heavy rotation on MTV and I am pretty sure that it'd take off. With the immunity factor theyd be able to burn and kill at will and kids like nothing better than copycatting.
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Better packaging would be a big part of the plan. What we need is <b>more knifes and guns</b> in the whole packaging process. By that I mean <b>more REAL guns and knifes</b> being sold with the CDs. If kids don't have guns or knives how are they going to kill people? Simple facts: guns and sharp instruments kill people, not unarmed metal kids. Maybe even city/county mapping of the surrounding area to help the kids out finding a secluded area to do the deed and/or hide the bodies. After all it's about the kids, and without a proper maps the kids might get caught before they can kill that thirteenth person that'd give them that lordship over a dominion in hell that they'd be allotted if they killed that many people in the name of Satan.
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Which brings us to what should have been mentioned first but is going to be mentioned last: the lyrics. Now I know you're going to tell me that there are some pretty satanic bands out there that tell of all the virtues of The Dark Lord. Well, see that's where you are wrong- they are NOT talking about the virtues of The Dark Lord in the right way. Here's my several-pronged strategy to really pep the kids up for some good old fashion person hunting: <i>more songs about the virtues of what will happen when you kill for Satan</i>. If the kids don't know the rewards, why are they going to go through the trouble right? I mean it's hard enough to even get them to pick up their clothes in their rooms, let alone stab a complete stranger 49 times. Songs about how everyone is doing it. It's a pretty simple strategy, especially when we cross-market with the cigarette companies that are going along with us in marketing the key 12-18 demographic. Songs about proper use of different weaponry (including medieval weaponry because really - whats more metal then a mace?) and guns. When you get down to it songs about nuclear warfare and medieval weapons are very metal. We could easily win over the man-o-war/sci-fi fantasy metal fan swing group, which happens to be very important in the metal demographic these days, JUST by having people put out songs about maces and pole arms. We at the New Mexico Metal Research and Development Team are hard at work at developing new song themes that we can help get out the message to this worthy cause.
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Like everything else this is only being done FOR the children. They are our future and those that we should responsibly be stewarding into the next millennium. If WE can't teach our children to kill and maim for Satan... then who can? Who can? After all think about the children.
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Unless you're retarded and illiterate, I care for tomorrow's youth, that's why I do these things. That's why I put as much effort and work into bringing the most out of today's young children. After all, aren't I just building a better tomorrow?
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OK kids, there is no question that Makeoutclub has been kicking it for a while now. We all used to make fun of it (and actually we still do), but you may have noticed more and more people you respect are giving in and throwing up profiles. At first you're shocked and ashamed to have the friends that you do, but as more of your crew give in, you have started to feel the itch, the tingling burn to post your own sorry @$$ up for lonely computer geeks everywhere to see. <b>Now is your chance to recieve the instruction you so crave, as you enter the world of MAKEOUTCLUB!</b>
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<b>FOR STARTERS</b>: Go to www.makeoutclub.com and click on the "HOME" page, then click the "JOIN" link. Read all the crap that says they aren't responsible for stalkers, etc and start entering your information.
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<b>A FEW LESS THAN OBVIOUS POINTS</b>:
Have a good AIM screenname. This should be obvious. Too many numbers makes you look seriously NOT creative. If your screenname is Billy736455 just stop reading my profile and jump out your window, into traffic. Think up something a tad more tortured, funny, emo, mysterious or tragic. Then consider throwing some Xs at the beginning and end-scene points galore and you don't even have to be straightedge anymore. Sweet deal, Bro!
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Have your LOCATION be at least close to accurate. If you're a college student, throw up your college AND hometown. If you hangout in a closeby town often, throw that up there. This way when the hotties are on the road, you stand more chances of meeting new kids. Also you can act like you aren't living in the sticks at your parents house, using this glorious technique.
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ICQ is not actually used unless you are a geek fracker with trillion. AIM is free and really easy. Also, if you hate AOL, we don't blame you, but free is free, and you can put your Nikes back on and go back to Computer World and stick PC Gamer straight up your PCI slot. Nobody cares and all the cool kids use AIM. Get over it. If you do a website, put it in the "SITE" field, if you don't... No comment.
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<b>YOUR PHOTO</b>: This is very important, this is the first thing other Kids look at, and is your chance to LOOK DAMN GOOD. If you're cool, use your digital camera and snap a bunch of hot pics. Send some to jb_dominick.com and I'll pick the raddest one to use on Makeoutclub. If you are not terminally obsessed with all things digital, get an analog (get it?) photo and find some geek with a scanner-scan it at a lower resolution so it won't be too big and will load fast. If you're lucky you might have a pic floating around that's acceptable, you can always go back and add a new one later.
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<b>REALLY KEY POINT</b>: crop your pic so it looks good, and shows off YOU rather than the distracting crap behind you. If you don't know how, pat yourself on the back and turn up that Queers record, Noodlebrain!
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Good pics will show you looking either: tough, emo, playful, tortured, tragic, metal, elusive, hot, cute, serious, or just be silly beyond imagination. Try to avoid editing the photo till it looks like the cover of My Bloody Valentine's "Loveless" album, because then nobody will notice you because of the hot slice under your profile. <i>REMEMBER: you want your profile to look like you don't care, but we all know you do.</i>
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A possible deviation can be attempted by including a pic of something other than yourself (eg-Thora Birch, your cat or a shot of some burning children), to sorta throw the Kids for a loop and demonstrate that you REALLY don't give a frack. This is way better than the Loveless thang.<br>
Another good trick is to make a collage outta a few different pics of yourself, which can be a sweet project, if you have the free time, which we all know you do. You're reading this aren't you?
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If you play in a band, be ABSOLUTELY SURE to use a pic of you rocking out. It is essential. Even if you aren't in a band, get a pic of you posing with your instrument, you can pour water all over yourself and crop it tight to look like you're rocking Kids HARD at a huge show, warming up for NOFX or POISON THE WELL.
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<b>YOUR "INTERESTS/PROFILE"</b> (band list): This is really important, because this and "Location" and the most often searched fields. This is the really tricky part. How do you represent yourself to the Kids? The answer is your band list. This is your chance to show everyone online just how Indie/Metal/Punk/Hardcore/whatever you are. Golly!<br><br>
Typically, it's good to list bands that you actually actively listen to, so if anyone actually wants to IM you, they can have an idea about you. Remember that in today's social climate, the music you listen to is more than entertainment, it is the flag of culture and style that you wave at the Korn kids and record store clerks. Be proud of the music you love. This being said:
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Try to avoid listing every cool band you own/saw live. Nobody believes you, and furthermore a huge band list is basically like saying "read my self-indulgent online diary i have so i can tell the world what cool records i'm listening to, and what cool things my scenester friends did while trying to make out with the guys from the Locust". A lot of kids (even me) listen to a ton of records, and sometimes it's easy to get outta control - I don't have a favorite band for more than a week or two, you have to specify a genre/mood, but I'm a geek. A larger list w/variety is better than a long-@$$ list of all the "right" bands.
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<b>THE "RIGHT" BANDS</b>: The Locust, Godspeed You Black Emporor, Modest Mouse, Shellac, Murder City Devils, Coheed & Cambria, Motorhead, Dropdead (haha!), Magnetic Fields, The Cancer Conspiracy, Pavement, Bright Eyes, Mindless Self Indulgence, Jets to Brazil, Jawbreaker, Fugazi, Sunny Day Real Estate, Refused, This Computer Kills, Saetia, I Am Spoonbender, Audioslave, The Faint, Belle & Sebastian, The Smiths, etc. (you know what bands I mean.)
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<b>ACCEPTABLE "BIG" BANDS</b>: The Cure, The Flaming Lips, Tool, Sick of It All, Ramones (they ARE big), Jimmy Eat World, etc.
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Remember that it just has to be good, and you have to like it or at least want Kids to think you do. Remember that nobody on MOC actually is listing bands they really like, otherwise Andrew WK would be in every profile, it's all about the image you are trying to project. You Kids are lucky I'm here to tell you about this.
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<b>OTHER GOOD PRACTICES</b>: It's nice to include smaller bands that you are friends with, as a show of support. It can also make you look wicked underground, which is key. You make even want to make up some bands, just so you sound smart/estoteric. Mention Endicott or Layton Avenue and our friend D will make out with you. Honest.
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Another good ploy is to throw in some 80's bands, like the Crue, GNFNR, Warrent, Ratt etc. This shows you have a sense of humor, and justifies all those T Shirts you paid WAY too much for on Ebay six months ago. No Winger, though, please. Skid Row if you mention "Youth Gone Wild".<br>
Be sure to stay under contol with this.
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<b>ADDITIONAL PROFILE POINTS</b>: It's not good to beg for people to IM you. A good way to cheat on this rule is to mention that you're "always online", "have no life" or the classic "I'm bored". ALWAYS mention that you are bored.<br>
For the love of Hell, if you book shows/are in a band/do a zine <i>MENTION THAT</i>! This is a good way to work yourself up some connections, if you have any online personality (which I don't, but some do). This, I think, was the original purpose of Makeoutclub, haha.
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Try to avoid catty/dogy/dramatic messages cryptically left in your profile. If you want to communicate with your "ex" or that special someone you don't have the balls to talk to in person, write them an email. Don't play stupid games, because they make you look soooo dumb. Plus it makes Chris pretty pissed.
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<b><u>There are a few basic types of profiles to be aware of, check these out kids...</b></u>
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<img src="http://mars.walagata.com/w/jbdominick/correcta.bmp" border=0><br>
The "Type A" profile is a good mix of intelligent and funny. It demonstrates that subject is modest, potentially good for conversation and doesn't take self too seriously. Deep, yet approachable - they could IM your folks. This ploy (it's ALWAYS a ploy) is an excellent choice for you good, honest kids who are stand-up sorta people. It's also a good way for you brooding, angry types to come off a lot nicer than you are at partys or the bowling alley. The "Type A" profile is common, and is usually the best way to go for your first post.
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<img src="http://mars.walagata.com/w/jbdominick/correctb.bmp" border=0><br>
The "Type B" profile is a slippery thing indeed. It's almost a trick, really-a mystery. One one hand, the first half of the profile is cute and a tad flirty, but the the second half throws you the curveball. The band list here seems to have little to do with someone that likes buying lipstick and love letters: or does it? This is an excellent way to appear approachable (inviting, even) but mysterious. The simple photo belies little of the band list, and the band list makes you think "killer". One important element to consider, is that "Type B" profiles rely even more on someone taking the time to read it, so the photography takes on extra importance. This profile seems to say "I'm romantic, but underneath all that i'm tricky and metal, possibly even a twit". Proceed with caution and facination.
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<img src="http://mars.walagata.com/w/jbdominickk/wrong.bmp" border=0><br>
Ok, the pic is fine, but this kid BLOWS IT in the profile. Some Kids might IM this fool, but nobody that reads any shoot of mine, that's THE DAMN TRUTH, kids. Please re-read this whole article and remember that a lame profile is as good as throwing your modem on the floor at a Converge show.
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And as I said, I'm here to help the helpless. By now, you've gotten to know me. What type of guy I am and what music I listen to. That's all that matters. Now that you're finished realizing that I own you on oh, so many levels, get the hell out of my face. :)