(need ideas)
Submitted February 11, 2004 Updated September 7, 2004 Status Incomplete | Lori and Sora are 18 years old and have just started dating...but what happens when Lori isnt allowed to see Sora?
Category:
Anime/Manga |
Chapters
Chapter 1 - Chapter 1
Submitted: February 11, 2004 • Updated: February 11, 2004
Word count: 1035 • Size: 5k • Comments: 12 • views: 492
Chapter 2 - Chapter 2
Submitted: February 11, 2004 • Updated: February 11, 2004
Word count: 867 • Size: 4k • Comments: 7 • views: 256
Chapter 3 - CHapter 3 ( finished! ^_^ )
Submitted: March 19, 2004 • Updated: March 19, 2004
Word count: 606 • Size: 3k • Comments: 4 • views: 231
Chapter 4 - Chapter 4 (what i have so far)
Submitted: April 17, 2004 • Updated: April 17, 2004
Word count: 303 • Size: 1k • Comments: 3 • views: 271
Chapter 5 - Not a chapter, but read it anyway....ITS IMPORTANT
Submitted: September 7, 2004 • Updated: September 7, 2004
Word count: 74 • Size: <1k • Comments: 5 • views: 203
Comments
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Trinkuh on February 26, 2006, 12:47:28 AM
Chronos on November 29, 2005, 9:01:35 AM
For one thing, your CHARACTERS. Those are the blandest ones I've seen since Eragon (a painful read), and you must realize that characters are not simply inanimate tools. Characters are ALIVE. They have their little ways and whims, and if you're not careful, you'll find yourself writing a completely different story than the one you started on. This here is an example of underdeveloped characters as well as character abuse. You're MAKING them do what you want them to, which is common in beginners, but you have to give them their own personalities and idiosyncrasies and likes and wants and needs. Otherwise, they're all going to turn out the same.
I realize that this is an old fic and I'm probably belaboring the point, but I'm tired of people not getting this simple concept, and then they come crying to the reviewers and anybody else who'll listen when they're criticized for blandness. This is only one point made where plenty could be, but I think the thing you need is to keep writing, gain experience, and, above all else, LISTEN TO YOUR CHARACTERS.
P.S. I. Hate. Mary-Sues. It is not possible to write a good Sue fic. It's just not. Use Kairi, or write your OWN STORY, for God's sake.
heavensent92 on November 28, 2005, 4:46:39 AM
sorasloveforever on November 6, 2005, 5:47:12 AM
heavensent92 on October 28, 2005, 8:15:54 AM
SexyShadow on September 14, 2005, 3:22:49 PM
TheAlmightyJ on July 31, 2005, 8:02:50 AM
Alright. First, where does this story take place?! Lori and Julie are Western names, while Sora is a Japanese name. Why does Lori use -san? If she's supposed to be childhood friends with him, it should be -kun, or possibly -chan.
Lori has KNEE-LENGTH HAIR?! What!? My hair's only mid-back and it takes me forever to take care of it; I shudder to think how long she must spend brushing that out. How about something more realistic?
Wait. Oh God, you mean you're trying to pass off Lori as a PRINCESS of JAPAN? Seriously, bad idea. Lori's not a Japanese name at all!
Why is Julie allowed a boyfriend? She's a Princess too. And she lectures Lori on 'princess-lyness', which would come across as more sincere if given by a parent. Speaking of Julie, how can she tell that Lori's got a boyfriend-and that it's Sora-JUST BECAUSE LORI'S CRYING?
Returning to Lori... No way this girl's 18. She's 13-14, based off her behavior. She's 18 and has never been on a date? Even the most anti-social, mean and unattractive girl's I've ever met have had a date before 16! Besides, at 18 she's an adult. She'd probably have outgrown her 'Gothic Rebellion'.
Analysis: A classic boring love story with nothing new to bring to the table. Bland characters rush the action leaving the reader's confused. You need a LOT of improvement.
(PS, black can be quite elegant and suitable for a princess)