Hellfire
Submitted October 23, 2008 Updated May 9, 2009 Status Incomplete | Just an idea I had, lemme know what you think. And btw I borrowed the bad guys from actual myths lol Also please make sure to check out the Q&A section (for background info on Hellfire), I'll be updating it periodically.
Category:
Miscellaneous » Writing |
Chapters
Chapter 0 - Q&A
Submitted: January 2, 2009 • Updated: January 24, 2009
Word count: 269 • Size: 1k • Comments: 16 • views: 1126
Chapter 0 - The Good Guys
Submitted: October 23, 2008 • Updated: February 21, 2009
Word count: 152 • Size: 1k • Comments: 16 • views: 906
Chapter 0 - The Bad Guys
Submitted: October 27, 2008 • Updated: October 27, 2008
Word count: 117 • Size: 1k • Comments: 16 • views: 842
Chapter 1 - The Arrival
Submitted: October 26, 2008 • Updated: October 26, 2008
Word count: 475 • Size: 2k • Comments: 6 • views: 715
Chapter 2 - Newcomers
Submitted: October 27, 2008 • Updated: October 27, 2008
Word count: 613 • Size: 3k • Comments: 8 • views: 706
Chapter 3 - Friendship
Submitted: November 4, 2008 • Updated: May 9, 2009
Word count: 1157 • Size: 6k • Comments: 7 • views: 403
Chapter 4 - Marked
Submitted: November 10, 2008 • Updated: November 10, 2008
Word count: 926 • Size: 4k • Comments: 6 • views: 417
Chapter 5 - Prophecy
Submitted: December 9, 2008 • Updated: December 10, 2008
Word count: 1158 • Size: 6k • Comments: 5 • views: 392
Chapter 6 - Encounter
Submitted: December 30, 2008 • Updated: December 31, 2008
Word count: 1163 • Size: 6k • Comments: 6 • views: 664
Chapter 7 - Alagor
Submitted: January 24, 2009 • Updated: January 24, 2009
Word count: 1040 • Size: 5k • Comments: 4 • views: 415
Chapter 8 - Astar
Submitted: January 24, 2009 • Updated: January 25, 2009
Word count: 944 • Size: 5k • Comments: 5 • views: 610
Chapter 9 - Kaesi
Submitted: January 24, 2009 • Updated: January 24, 2009
Word count: 1173 • Size: 6k • Comments: 4 • views: 398
Chapter 10 - Noah
Submitted: January 24, 2009 • Updated: April 8, 2009
Word count: 1357 • Size: 7k • Comments: 5 • views: 365
Chapter 11 - Betrayal
Submitted: February 17, 2009 • Updated: February 17, 2009
Word count: 969 • Size: 5k • Comments: 4 • views: 652
Comments
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YoriXYamiForever on January 2, 2009, 2:50:24 AM
DeathNoteSurvivor on January 2, 2009, 1:16:06 PM
lol well i dont know if this is good or bad but Clay only appeared again cuz you said you wanted him to loland as for Alagor's little comment yea i had to put that cuz i mean,...c'mon lol it ALWAYS happens the day or the day following when someone finds something out lol
YoriXYamiForever on January 4, 2009, 6:54:50 AM
Great, I killed him. lol At least I did get to see him one last time.Oh I know! They find out what's going to happen and then they have no time to prepare. I'm glad the good guys here have at least a little while. Although I'm worried about what Blackheart is doing right now . . . .
YoriXYamiForever on January 2, 2009, 2:39:27 AM
lol, Love Alagor/Terence even more now ^^ I love the interaction you have between characters, it all feels really natural! The fight between Alagor and Astar was awesome ^^I wish I could read as many languages as Noah. Exactly how much does this kid study? And how many bookcases does he have total? lol
I can't wait to meet Blackheart and I can't wait to see more about the prophecies. Great chapter!! ^^
Blackwolfmoon on December 30, 2008, 2:48:00 PM
wow, awesome chapter!! lol, i tihnk im getting addicted to this story..i like the begining, but the ending part is my favorite! cant wait to read more ^-^KelekiahGaladrian on December 14, 2008, 9:59:00 AM
ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh, scary. I would hate to be in Noah's position right there at the beginning. . . .The discussion between Alagor and Aster while they were fighting made me laugh, even if most of it was serious.
I agree with Aster when he says Alagor's an idiot. Though, I don't want his fist, or any other thing he might think of, coming ANYwhere near ANY part of my body. . . .
Blackheart . . . sounds not so nice. . . . That excites me.
The prophecy excites me as well, and Noah's knowledge of languages makes me laugh. Don't ask me why, it just does.
It's true, other languages can become biased when they're translated.
Awesome job on another chapter! ^^ I LUV it!
Blackwolfmoon on December 10, 2008, 6:39:50 AM
oh i like this chapter ^-^ my favorite part is the prophecy, the next chapter will rerally be interesting. my other favorite parts is when Kaesi comes back with the books =P “Oh and by the way, what’s with those magazines?”overall this is a really good chapter ^-^ i love it! *gives you a resses cup*
Sirengina on December 10, 2008, 5:47:35 AM
This is really good Josh ^^I really like the prophecy, its intriguing. Cant wait to read more <3
MagusFarlorn on November 18, 2008, 9:00:55 AM
Not bad, but not as good as the first chapter. It seems rather rushed in fact.The only major problem I see is that it seems all three demons are pretending to be from one human family. Why are they all in the same class? It would be odd if they were the same (human) age. It would make more sense if they had lost two sets of parents in some unspecified disaster. This is particularly appropriate since Astar is darker-skinned, and wouldn't seem related. Am I just misreading it?
The minor problem (concern, really) is that it seemed at first the demons weren't too familiar with Earth (assuming it is Earth). How did they know what names to pick, or what style clothing to wear?
You could add a nice touch (assuming you are ever in the mood to edit) by adding a back-story character that provided them with the necessary info. When they change, they might be in clothing that is horribly out of date. After all, demons might not keep up-to-date records. What's a century to a demon?
Also, entering school isn't that easy. They'd need to fake some kind of records, and fill out forms. Again, this seems like something beyond our trio.
Why enter school at all? This would seem to limit them in their mission. It would certainly make them less mobile. If, however, they need to learn about the human world in order to function smoothly, it would be the perfect place.
bookworm369 on November 18, 2008, 10:02:46 AM
ALSO (sorry i keep thinking of things lol) in response to the comment i accidentally deleted, keep in mind that Noah reads alot of books on mythology; its not a stretch for him to immediately think "vampire" when he sees a red eyed fanged creatureMagusFarlorn on November 22, 2008, 10:26:10 AM
Considering the difference in my age and Noah's, I've probably read at least 3x the mythology that he has. Nonetheless, my first response would not be to stake someone that looks vampirish. The first might be to put some distance between it and myself (I think an ocean's length might do), or to ask what's up. Remember, you established this as the day after Halloween. I think anyone over the age of two would think "vampire" but I meant that most people wouldn't attack as a first response. The thought of "Oh, my God, I just killed a guy in a costume!" would keep my hand back, unless he tried something freaky.bookworm369 on November 18, 2008, 9:56:47 AM
thanks for the critism, its good to have feedback. (btw didnt mean to delete your other comment, sorry^^")and yea trust me, i noticed all those problems too, i was just too lazy to fix it
bookworm369 on November 18, 2008, 9:58:26 AM
oh also i kind of assumed this was an understood thing, the demons keep up with the human world, and as for the family thing and the age thing....i just kinda took a shortcut, sorry if that bothered youMagusFarlorn on November 22, 2008, 10:15:22 AM
You want to remember that your audience only knows as much as you tell them. We can assume certain things (and you might lead us to believe them) but they might well be wrong. The only one who knows everything about your story is you. Regarding the age thing, the only thing about it that bothers me is the unlikely happenstance of three siblings in the same grade. Not impossible, but odd. Remember that you are operating under the "suspension of disbelief" system. In other words, the less things there are that the reader has trouble swallowing, the easier the story is to accept.MagusFarlorn on November 18, 2008, 9:32:35 AM
Well done. The dialogue is crisp and entertaining. I hope you do more.MagusFarlorn on November 18, 2008, 8:37:06 AM
Very nice. The dialogue moves the story, as it should. Dialogue should never be an excuse to waste a few pages for the sake of filling space. It also establishes personality. Being as the portal was being used on Halloween, perhaps it was because that is one of the times the veils are thinnest between worlds.
BLACKHEART IS AN AWESOME BAD GUY!! The 'bad-er' the better lol.
Oh I'm sad though . . . I liked Clay . . . the scene was amazing though - it had me glued to my seat!
“Oh, wait, let me guess,” Alagor said exasperatedly. “It’s tonight.” lol, I was thinking that too. ^^
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!!!! =D