elvisfan123

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-Brooke Sheilds

"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
-Bob Dole (Republican Presidantial Canidate)

"You guys, line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears

"I think war is a dangerous place."
- George W. Bush

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
- Greg Norman, Golfer

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-Mariah Carey

"I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman"
-Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Danny Ozark, Philedelphia Phillies Manager

"I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid."
- Terry Bradshaw, Former football player/announcer

"I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa"
— Britney Spears

"Food is an important part of a balanced diet."
- Fran Lebowitz, US writer

"If only faces could talk..."
- Pat Summerall, Sportscaster, during the Super Bowl

If it wren't for electricity, we'd all be watching TV by candlelight."
-George Gobel

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
- Charles De Gaulle, former French President

Funny Things To Say While Ordering A Takeout Pizza
**Ask what the order taker is wearing.

**Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

**Answer their questions with questions.

**Ask to see a menu.

**Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

**Change your accent every three seconds.

**Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?"

**Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up

**If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

**If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

**Imitate the order taker's voice.

**Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

**Order using lines from different movies (Luke, I am your "customer"-Darth Vader)

**Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

**Spill out your life story and ask them if they understand, if they say yes, Scream "liars, I don't believe you!" and hang up!

**Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

**Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

**Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

**If they ask you if you want a drink, sigh and say "im sorry but i do not wish to become an alcohalic"

**Do not name the toppings you want. Spell them out instead

Is there another word for synonym?

If convinent stores are open 24 hours a day 365 days a year how come they have locks on the doors?

Why is it when you transfer something by car its called shipment but when you transfer something by ship its called cargo?

If a turtle doesnt have a shell is he homeless or naked?

Why are softballs so hard?

I will leave you to ponder.

i got a haircut just a trim and the lady cut off like 2in and i was like do u know how long it tooke to grow that? then we went to publix and i saw briana f.

flick me
ILL PUNCH U IN DA FACE

Judge Me,
I'LL PROVE YOU WRONG.
Tell Me What To Do,
I'LL TELL YOU OFF.
Say I'm Not Worth It,
WATCH WHERE I END UP.
Screw Me Over,
I'LL MAKE SURE I GET REVENGE.
Call Me Crazy,
YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

Rules for Dating
My Daughter...
Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off your hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are idiots. Still, I want to be fair. You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes to big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your pants do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place at your waist.
Rule Two: I'm sure that you have been told that in today's world sex without a barrier can be deadly. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.
Rule Three: I have no doubt the you are a popular fellow, with many oppurtunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my daughter, you will continue to date no one but her until she is through with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Four: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not fidget and complain. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup -- a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there why don't you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?
Rule Five: The following places are not approporiate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are sofas, beds or anything softer than a wooden stool or folding chair; places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight; places where there is darkness; places where the ambient temperature would induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka, zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule 6: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule 7: Be careful, be very careful. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When the flashbacks start, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns as I sit at home waiting for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car, with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safetly and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camoflauged face in the window is mine.

at nite